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New to Forum, Looking for Support for adult child stealing and taking advantage of us
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 592982" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. Welcome to the board, but so sorry you have to be here. I am assuming, maybe wrongly, that she has dabbled in drugs and may be stealing from you to fund them and may not be able to get up in the morning because she is hung over or high. Maybe you never catch her, but I'll bet she's has this going on as she is behaving just like a young adult who has no motivation and no scruples because she is using drugs, which wipe out the good in anyone. We don't have a background so I can only guess, but that is the biggest issue with most of our difficult children. </p><p></p><p>Even if she isn't using drugs or drinking too much, she is 21 and in my opinion her behavior is unacceptable in your house. She is too old to have you paying for everything and not working and getting up too late for her jobs and for setting a bad example for the other kids. You shouldn't have to pay for her stuff anymore. She in my opinion needs to be given a date when she will be asked to leave unless she gets a job and pays her own bills. That means KEEPING the job. She has no incentive to change or grow up if you continue to treat her like she is a minor child. I'll bet she howls if you try to give her a curfew because "I'm an adult." Some of our kids are picky about when they are adults and when they still want to be kids.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, everyone is different and you, and only you and hub, have to decide what is acceptable and tolerable in your house. If this were my daughter, I would have called the police. I called the police on my daughter when she was fifteen and caught smoking pot so this would have been a no-brainer. However, I am not you. If you can live with her stealing from you, that is your decision. </p><p></p><p>Most of us have done the tough love bit so that we had peace in our home and because our children were making their own choices NOT to follow our rules. If they had followed our rules, they could have stayed at home. But they pretty much mostly decided to continue the drug use, the disrespect, the stealing, the anger, some even got violent. They refused rehab or therapy. We could not live with our grown children and they in our opinions needed to leave in order to grow up and change. </p><p></p><p>Can you give us more background on your daughter? How long has she been a problem? Has she ever even shoved you or your husband or her siblings? Is she verbally abusive? What about the drug issue? Do you know? Has she had any DUIs? Does she seem to have a conscience? That's huge. A lot of our grown kids seem to be lacking a conscience...and that's not good. Is she on medication for her depression?</p><p></p><p>Nobody can answer the question as to whether your daughter will mature or not. I think in my opinion she'd mature faster out of your house, but I don't know for sure...nobody does. Some grown difficult children improve, some don't. in my opinion whether she will get better in her behavior has a lot to do with why she is behaving this way (if it's drugs and she kicks the drugs, lots of hope!) and if this is new behavior with a cause or she has always been this way, but again...I don't know for sure.</p><p></p><p>Welcome aboard again <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> We all have been in your shoes.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 592982, member: 1550"] Hi there. Welcome to the board, but so sorry you have to be here. I am assuming, maybe wrongly, that she has dabbled in drugs and may be stealing from you to fund them and may not be able to get up in the morning because she is hung over or high. Maybe you never catch her, but I'll bet she's has this going on as she is behaving just like a young adult who has no motivation and no scruples because she is using drugs, which wipe out the good in anyone. We don't have a background so I can only guess, but that is the biggest issue with most of our difficult children. Even if she isn't using drugs or drinking too much, she is 21 and in my opinion her behavior is unacceptable in your house. She is too old to have you paying for everything and not working and getting up too late for her jobs and for setting a bad example for the other kids. You shouldn't have to pay for her stuff anymore. She in my opinion needs to be given a date when she will be asked to leave unless she gets a job and pays her own bills. That means KEEPING the job. She has no incentive to change or grow up if you continue to treat her like she is a minor child. I'll bet she howls if you try to give her a curfew because "I'm an adult." Some of our kids are picky about when they are adults and when they still want to be kids. On the other hand, everyone is different and you, and only you and hub, have to decide what is acceptable and tolerable in your house. If this were my daughter, I would have called the police. I called the police on my daughter when she was fifteen and caught smoking pot so this would have been a no-brainer. However, I am not you. If you can live with her stealing from you, that is your decision. Most of us have done the tough love bit so that we had peace in our home and because our children were making their own choices NOT to follow our rules. If they had followed our rules, they could have stayed at home. But they pretty much mostly decided to continue the drug use, the disrespect, the stealing, the anger, some even got violent. They refused rehab or therapy. We could not live with our grown children and they in our opinions needed to leave in order to grow up and change. Can you give us more background on your daughter? How long has she been a problem? Has she ever even shoved you or your husband or her siblings? Is she verbally abusive? What about the drug issue? Do you know? Has she had any DUIs? Does she seem to have a conscience? That's huge. A lot of our grown kids seem to be lacking a conscience...and that's not good. Is she on medication for her depression? Nobody can answer the question as to whether your daughter will mature or not. I think in my opinion she'd mature faster out of your house, but I don't know for sure...nobody does. Some grown difficult children improve, some don't. in my opinion whether she will get better in her behavior has a lot to do with why she is behaving this way (if it's drugs and she kicks the drugs, lots of hope!) and if this is new behavior with a cause or she has always been this way, but again...I don't know for sure. Welcome aboard again :) We all have been in your shoes. [/QUOTE]
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