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New to Forum, Looking for Support for adult child stealing and taking advantage of us
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 592992" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Hi rtj, I'm glad you decided to post your own thread and use a signature, as you can see, we have many wise warrior Mom's here who've been through the ringer in more ways then one...............we can understand your feelings as most other parents of 'regular' kids can't. Welcome! I'm glad you're here.</p><p></p><p>This detachment stuff is a process, we all approach it gingerly and it takes time for us to learn how to do it. It requires boundary setting that is strong and impenetrable, boundaries not really required when raising kids without issues. (Incidentally, we call our kids difficult child's, <em>'gifts from God.'</em>) </p><p></p><p>When dealing with our adult kids who have 'issues' it requires a new parent handbook, not the one you thought you would be using, the one which says, just love them and everything will be okay. This is not the world any of us here live in. This is the world where we have to learn a whole different way of parenting, one which requires in many circumstances (not all) that we set unbendable, rigid, unbreakable boundaries, police those boundaries carefully, not giving in one inch, make good on our promises of police involvement, or kicking them out, or whatever we have committed to and told them we would do, in regards to their behavior. In this world, you become diligent and you learn how to <strong>not</strong> fall for manipulations, lying, secrets, stealing, drugs, drinking or any behaviors which you wouldn't tolerate in your home or from anyone else. To the degree that you do tolerate it,<strong><em> you live with it.</em></strong> Whatever you accept becomes your daily reality and then it (likely) gets worse. Not to scare you, just talking from experience and reading others experiences on this board. </p><p></p><p>The odd irony is that as you were protecting your daughter from herself and her depression, making sure she didn't do harm to herself, you were in all probability, enabling her, allowing her to behave in ways that you would not usually allow, but because you were trying to protect her, you allowed. Then she gets the clear message that you allow it and she continues to do it. And, pretty soon, that is just the way it is. And, being human, she keeps upping the ante,..... the stolen credit cards. If you didn't stop that, it would likely escalate into something bigger and more difficult for you to tolerate. So, at some point, we stop tolerating it and we're forced to stop the enabling. That's where it gets dicey. You have to become tough and she's used to an easier ride, so there WILL BE CONFLICT. And, you will have to deal with that conflict without enabling, without caving. Not always easy, often quite challenging. But, really, once you are caught in this vortex, it is usually the only way out.</p><p></p><p>My suggestion is that you and your husband both get counseling and decide, right from the beginning to present a united front. Any deviation from that will invite manipulations from your daughter using you against each other and we've seen many marriages quake under the weight of an adult child who takes no responsibility for their actions. It would be wise for you to gather your wits together, seek as much help as possible, read books, keep posting here, open the lines of communication with your husband and talk it all out until you reach an agreement which you can both live with..............this is a very bumpy and often treacherous ride and you'll need each other and your therapist. </p><p></p><p>I think there can be a happy middle ground between kicking them out and them learning from their mistakes, but it will all depend on you and how much you can let her have the consequences of her behavior. Unfortunately, in the real world, being contrite and sad is not an excuse for illegal activity. She can be contrite now because nothing has changed yet, however, once the tough love begins, my guess is that contrite will quickly turn into more bad behavior and anger at you. </p><p></p><p>That's a big dose of reality,............I know........... but I just believe it's good to know where you stand, it's a new universe for you and you'll need your warrior armor and your tools, I'm trying to prepare you early on so you can succeed without falling into the usual potholes I've tripped into. I wish you strength and peace.............and send you hugs too..............hang tough.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 592992, member: 13542"] Hi rtj, I'm glad you decided to post your own thread and use a signature, as you can see, we have many wise warrior Mom's here who've been through the ringer in more ways then one...............we can understand your feelings as most other parents of 'regular' kids can't. Welcome! I'm glad you're here. This detachment stuff is a process, we all approach it gingerly and it takes time for us to learn how to do it. It requires boundary setting that is strong and impenetrable, boundaries not really required when raising kids without issues. (Incidentally, we call our kids difficult child's, [I]'gifts from God.'[/I]) When dealing with our adult kids who have 'issues' it requires a new parent handbook, not the one you thought you would be using, the one which says, just love them and everything will be okay. This is not the world any of us here live in. This is the world where we have to learn a whole different way of parenting, one which requires in many circumstances (not all) that we set unbendable, rigid, unbreakable boundaries, police those boundaries carefully, not giving in one inch, make good on our promises of police involvement, or kicking them out, or whatever we have committed to and told them we would do, in regards to their behavior. In this world, you become diligent and you learn how to [B]not[/B] fall for manipulations, lying, secrets, stealing, drugs, drinking or any behaviors which you wouldn't tolerate in your home or from anyone else. To the degree that you do tolerate it,[B][I] you live with it.[/I][/B] Whatever you accept becomes your daily reality and then it (likely) gets worse. Not to scare you, just talking from experience and reading others experiences on this board. The odd irony is that as you were protecting your daughter from herself and her depression, making sure she didn't do harm to herself, you were in all probability, enabling her, allowing her to behave in ways that you would not usually allow, but because you were trying to protect her, you allowed. Then she gets the clear message that you allow it and she continues to do it. And, pretty soon, that is just the way it is. And, being human, she keeps upping the ante,..... the stolen credit cards. If you didn't stop that, it would likely escalate into something bigger and more difficult for you to tolerate. So, at some point, we stop tolerating it and we're forced to stop the enabling. That's where it gets dicey. You have to become tough and she's used to an easier ride, so there WILL BE CONFLICT. And, you will have to deal with that conflict without enabling, without caving. Not always easy, often quite challenging. But, really, once you are caught in this vortex, it is usually the only way out. My suggestion is that you and your husband both get counseling and decide, right from the beginning to present a united front. Any deviation from that will invite manipulations from your daughter using you against each other and we've seen many marriages quake under the weight of an adult child who takes no responsibility for their actions. It would be wise for you to gather your wits together, seek as much help as possible, read books, keep posting here, open the lines of communication with your husband and talk it all out until you reach an agreement which you can both live with..............this is a very bumpy and often treacherous ride and you'll need each other and your therapist. I think there can be a happy middle ground between kicking them out and them learning from their mistakes, but it will all depend on you and how much you can let her have the consequences of her behavior. Unfortunately, in the real world, being contrite and sad is not an excuse for illegal activity. She can be contrite now because nothing has changed yet, however, once the tough love begins, my guess is that contrite will quickly turn into more bad behavior and anger at you. That's a big dose of reality,............I know........... but I just believe it's good to know where you stand, it's a new universe for you and you'll need your warrior armor and your tools, I'm trying to prepare you early on so you can succeed without falling into the usual potholes I've tripped into. I wish you strength and peace.............and send you hugs too..............hang tough. [/QUOTE]
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