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New to Forum, Looking for Support for adult child stealing and taking advantage of us
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 593125" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I have not read all the responses yet. I want to welcome you. This is a great place and while we all have advice and opinions from different points of view, we do understand that you can only do what you are ready to do. We make suggestions, present info (often passionately) AND we understand that you will take what helps and leave the rest. We don't expect you to do things just because we said to. </p><p></p><p>As a mom, you have AMAZING instincts. Those instincts are what kept us alive in the days before history and working together for common goals. They kept the things that go bump in the night and in the day from eating us. Now we use them to do what is needed for our kids. Follow those instincts for the most part. Not your brain, your gut. Your brain is over-informed and is what gets us into trouble when we want our kids to be happy all the time the way tv etc.... make us think we should. That gut feeling that screams NO when the doctor tells you to try this or that, or when difficult child says "everyone else does" is the part you listen to. The biggest mistakes we make are when we ignore or over-ride those instincts and this goes for life and for parenting.</p><p></p><p>You and your husband MUST be on the same page. NOTHING will work if you aren't. Your marriage won't work because you will be at odds all the time. difficult child will thrive in her gfgness if you allow that to happen. MANY of us have ugly tshirts to prove we have been there done that, even if they are just imaginary because they are wayyyyyyyy too ugly to put in our closets. </p><p></p><p>Your daughter is being kept as a teen. It isn't appropriate for the most part. Until she MUST handle adult responsibility, she won't. Consequences have to happen and they must be real and logical. Everyone will benefit if you can start to see her as not your child or teen, but as a roommate. NOT saying don't love her, or help when it is appropriate and reasonable and not making your life miserable or complicated. Just expect her to behave more as a roommate - basic chores, self care and a job so she can pay part of teh bills. She needs to learn how expensive it is to have a house, how expensive all her wants and her lifestyle are, and how hard it is to get $$ from a job. She needs to be paying rent every month and have real consequences if she doesn't or is late. Some people take the rent money and save it for the kid to be used for a deposit later, others use it for what they want/need, and neither is wrong. You have to choose what works for you. Even if you plan to give it to her for an apartment, you should NOT EVER tell her that until you give her the money. It needs to be a TOTAL surprise for her.</p><p></p><p>You may find some help and info by reading Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic by Fay and Kline. It may also help your husband with the entire issue. There are many L&L books and I found they were full of ideas and techniques that not only were logical, possible and would help with the problems, but they also allowed my dha nd I to use the same stratehgies and work together. Before we had L&L, my husband was NEVER willing to do more than yell one or two times a year and to tell our difficult child that we were disappointed. He undermined the consequences I imposed and we fought fought fought while our difficult child got away with a LOT fo stuff. husband didn't understand the ideas in most parenting books until we found these. We were able to create boundaries and consequences that made sense (logical natural consequences) and to work as a team. It totally blew my difficult child's mind when he realized that he could not get Dad to undo the consequence that Mom gave him. It made a real difference for us all.</p><p></p><p>You can learn more about L&L at <a href="http://www.loveandlogic.com" target="_blank">www.loveandlogic.com</a>. I think it would be very helpful if for no other reason than to help you and husband work together. A therapist is also needed when you have issues like this dividing your marriage. Of course we will also be here for you whenever you need/want us!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 593125, member: 1233"] I have not read all the responses yet. I want to welcome you. This is a great place and while we all have advice and opinions from different points of view, we do understand that you can only do what you are ready to do. We make suggestions, present info (often passionately) AND we understand that you will take what helps and leave the rest. We don't expect you to do things just because we said to. As a mom, you have AMAZING instincts. Those instincts are what kept us alive in the days before history and working together for common goals. They kept the things that go bump in the night and in the day from eating us. Now we use them to do what is needed for our kids. Follow those instincts for the most part. Not your brain, your gut. Your brain is over-informed and is what gets us into trouble when we want our kids to be happy all the time the way tv etc.... make us think we should. That gut feeling that screams NO when the doctor tells you to try this or that, or when difficult child says "everyone else does" is the part you listen to. The biggest mistakes we make are when we ignore or over-ride those instincts and this goes for life and for parenting. You and your husband MUST be on the same page. NOTHING will work if you aren't. Your marriage won't work because you will be at odds all the time. difficult child will thrive in her gfgness if you allow that to happen. MANY of us have ugly tshirts to prove we have been there done that, even if they are just imaginary because they are wayyyyyyyy too ugly to put in our closets. Your daughter is being kept as a teen. It isn't appropriate for the most part. Until she MUST handle adult responsibility, she won't. Consequences have to happen and they must be real and logical. Everyone will benefit if you can start to see her as not your child or teen, but as a roommate. NOT saying don't love her, or help when it is appropriate and reasonable and not making your life miserable or complicated. Just expect her to behave more as a roommate - basic chores, self care and a job so she can pay part of teh bills. She needs to learn how expensive it is to have a house, how expensive all her wants and her lifestyle are, and how hard it is to get $$ from a job. She needs to be paying rent every month and have real consequences if she doesn't or is late. Some people take the rent money and save it for the kid to be used for a deposit later, others use it for what they want/need, and neither is wrong. You have to choose what works for you. Even if you plan to give it to her for an apartment, you should NOT EVER tell her that until you give her the money. It needs to be a TOTAL surprise for her. You may find some help and info by reading Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic by Fay and Kline. It may also help your husband with the entire issue. There are many L&L books and I found they were full of ideas and techniques that not only were logical, possible and would help with the problems, but they also allowed my dha nd I to use the same stratehgies and work together. Before we had L&L, my husband was NEVER willing to do more than yell one or two times a year and to tell our difficult child that we were disappointed. He undermined the consequences I imposed and we fought fought fought while our difficult child got away with a LOT fo stuff. husband didn't understand the ideas in most parenting books until we found these. We were able to create boundaries and consequences that made sense (logical natural consequences) and to work as a team. It totally blew my difficult child's mind when he realized that he could not get Dad to undo the consequence that Mom gave him. It made a real difference for us all. You can learn more about L&L at [url]www.loveandlogic.com[/url]. I think it would be very helpful if for no other reason than to help you and husband work together. A therapist is also needed when you have issues like this dividing your marriage. Of course we will also be here for you whenever you need/want us! [/QUOTE]
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