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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 29491" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hi Stacey, welcome. You've had some good advice so far.</p><p></p><p>I agree that your oldest son is not the main concern right now, but I have something on that topic.</p><p>He and girlfriend made a baby together. It's possible that the on again-off again relationship may have been her turmoil over getting pregnant. Or it could have been what triggered her to get pregnant - "If I'm going to lose him anyway, at least I'll always have something of his with me" at a subconscious level. But whatever the reason - the pregnancy is a fact. And, as Judge Judy frequently says, "You two made a baby together. That means that for the next twenty years at least, you are going to have to get along and make decisions together regarding the welfare and upkeep of this child. You are stuck with each other for that long because you have responsibilities. Grow up!"</p><p></p><p>Your fifteen year old - I agree, huge problem. He knew there were bad consequences for failing the next drug test, he knew it was coming up, yet he still failed it. So, either he's an impulsive user, or he's a desperate user - or both. Either way, there are serious concerns. Pot itself is not physically addictive. So WHY would he be a desperate user, unless there was some other desperate psychological need in him? Which brings us back to impulsivity and a need to escape his responsibilities. Why?</p><p>Either way, the needle points to a need to get a psychiatrist involved. This is independent of drug and alcohol counselling. Besides, it often takes a while to get an appointment, so if you begin trying to organise it now, you will save time. You can always cancel the psychiatrist appointment if the drug and alcohol people give you all the answers you need. But I don't think they will have all the answers in this case.</p><p>This is beyond the need for punitive involvement. Clearly, deterrent factors didn't work here. All you would get from a custodial sentence is a kid a few years older with a lot more rat cunning about how to get and hide drugs. And any underlying psychiatric or neurological condition still untreated.</p><p></p><p>I would be looking to the group he mixes with. Switch him to home schooling and be strict with it. Do not let him out of the house except handcuffed (or as close to it as you can get legally) to a parent. basically, you need to know who he sees, who he talks to and above all, who is supplying him. Where he gets the money is a close second. Lock up your valuables. Take regular inventory. Block his access to money except for a meagre allowance doled out and always accounted for. He wants to buy new sneakers? Give him exact change and make him show you the receipt.</p><p>And if he objects, make it clear that he has violated trust and will need to earn it back. This is the natural consequence of what he has done. He does not at the moment have the self control to stay clean, so you are going to be his self control until he can show he can do it for himself. This is not punishment, it's consequence and your desperate attempt to save his life. If he does not value that life, this is yet one more reason for him to have a psychiatrist to explain it to.</p><p></p><p>It is possible that some of what I suggest is not legal in your country. I would recommend trying to find a way in which it IS legal. If he were committed to a juvenile institution, his freedom would be curtailed in a similar way, so what is the difference? One BIG difference is that you have much more invested in success with him than staff at a juvenile institution. </p><p></p><p>And in the midst of all this, do not forget to spend quality time with your youngest child. 13 is a very vulnerable age and your family is ini the midst of a number of crises. You want to keep those crises to a minimum. In two years' time this youngest child will be 15 and I predict the fallout from what is happening right now will still be impacting your lives for a number of years to come. You don't need any more grief that you already have. Now is a time to prevent things getting even worse.</p><p></p><p>Meantime, we are here. Feel free to dump on us any time.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 29491, member: 1991"] Hi Stacey, welcome. You've had some good advice so far. I agree that your oldest son is not the main concern right now, but I have something on that topic. He and girlfriend made a baby together. It's possible that the on again-off again relationship may have been her turmoil over getting pregnant. Or it could have been what triggered her to get pregnant - "If I'm going to lose him anyway, at least I'll always have something of his with me" at a subconscious level. But whatever the reason - the pregnancy is a fact. And, as Judge Judy frequently says, "You two made a baby together. That means that for the next twenty years at least, you are going to have to get along and make decisions together regarding the welfare and upkeep of this child. You are stuck with each other for that long because you have responsibilities. Grow up!" Your fifteen year old - I agree, huge problem. He knew there were bad consequences for failing the next drug test, he knew it was coming up, yet he still failed it. So, either he's an impulsive user, or he's a desperate user - or both. Either way, there are serious concerns. Pot itself is not physically addictive. So WHY would he be a desperate user, unless there was some other desperate psychological need in him? Which brings us back to impulsivity and a need to escape his responsibilities. Why? Either way, the needle points to a need to get a psychiatrist involved. This is independent of drug and alcohol counselling. Besides, it often takes a while to get an appointment, so if you begin trying to organise it now, you will save time. You can always cancel the psychiatrist appointment if the drug and alcohol people give you all the answers you need. But I don't think they will have all the answers in this case. This is beyond the need for punitive involvement. Clearly, deterrent factors didn't work here. All you would get from a custodial sentence is a kid a few years older with a lot more rat cunning about how to get and hide drugs. And any underlying psychiatric or neurological condition still untreated. I would be looking to the group he mixes with. Switch him to home schooling and be strict with it. Do not let him out of the house except handcuffed (or as close to it as you can get legally) to a parent. basically, you need to know who he sees, who he talks to and above all, who is supplying him. Where he gets the money is a close second. Lock up your valuables. Take regular inventory. Block his access to money except for a meagre allowance doled out and always accounted for. He wants to buy new sneakers? Give him exact change and make him show you the receipt. And if he objects, make it clear that he has violated trust and will need to earn it back. This is the natural consequence of what he has done. He does not at the moment have the self control to stay clean, so you are going to be his self control until he can show he can do it for himself. This is not punishment, it's consequence and your desperate attempt to save his life. If he does not value that life, this is yet one more reason for him to have a psychiatrist to explain it to. It is possible that some of what I suggest is not legal in your country. I would recommend trying to find a way in which it IS legal. If he were committed to a juvenile institution, his freedom would be curtailed in a similar way, so what is the difference? One BIG difference is that you have much more invested in success with him than staff at a juvenile institution. And in the midst of all this, do not forget to spend quality time with your youngest child. 13 is a very vulnerable age and your family is ini the midst of a number of crises. You want to keep those crises to a minimum. In two years' time this youngest child will be 15 and I predict the fallout from what is happening right now will still be impacting your lives for a number of years to come. You don't need any more grief that you already have. Now is a time to prevent things getting even worse. Meantime, we are here. Feel free to dump on us any time. Marg [/QUOTE]
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