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New to page - adult stepchild issues. HELP PLEASE
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 481932"><p>Welcome to our little corner of the web- we've all been in your shoes. I hate to say it, but the shock will wear off and the flutters in your stomach will become a dull ache that you can ignore once in a while or get used to feeling. I found this board in a crisis fueled google frenzy because I needed ANSWERS. I haven't really found any answers but I have found a lot of support. You can lean on us.</p><p> </p><p>You can't do anything to change her behavior. Trying to do so will be futile and aggravating...BUT you can change how you let it affect you. I wouldn't be so certain that it isn't drug related (been there-SURPRISE-yikes!) but the reason for the behavior doesn't really matter. </p><p></p><p>A few things I've read that have helped me navigate my new reality:</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>It is possible to be a devoted and conscientious parent and still have it go badly. You can do everything right and your child can still grow up and not want to have the kind of relationship with you that you always hoped youd have. You can do everything right, and your child may still end up with a drug problem that costs you thousands of dollars and endless heartache. You can do everything right and your child may still choose the kind of friends or partners that you never imagined she would have chosen because these people seem so lost and are dragging your child into losing more. You can do everything right and your child can still fail to launch a successful adulthood despite being gifted and talented or possessing an IQ that most people would kill for. --- </em>Dr. Joshua Coleman <a href="http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/" target="_blank">San Francisco, Oakland Psychologist & Couple's Counselor | Dr. Joshua Coleman</a></p><p><a href="http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/" target="_blank"></a></p><p><em>Allison Bottke's "ten commandments" could help you break that negative pattern. (the ones in bold are the ones I need to remember)</em></p><p></p><p>1. You shall take care of your own spiritual, mental, physical, emotional and financial health. </p><p>2. You shall remember to express love and attention to your spouse and other family members and friends in addition to your troubled adult child. </p><p>3. You shall not accept excuses. </p><p>4. <strong>You shall understand that a clear definition of right and wrong is imperative for a disciplined society. There is no room for gray. Don't make excuses for what you believe. </strong></p><p>5. You shall make fact-based judgments without excuse, and feel okay doing so. </p><p><strong>6. You shall uphold standards of behavior that protect your morals, values and integrity. </strong></p><p>7. You shall give your adult child unconditional love and support without meddling and without money. </p><p>8. You shall listen to music and read books that will focus your mind on your HP. </p><p>9. You shall celebrate life and love as often as possible, even in times of trouble. </p><p>10. You shall consistently practice the six steps to SANITY: </p><p><strong>S</strong> = Stop enabling, stop blaming yourself, and stop the flow of money </p><p><strong>A</strong> = Assemble a support group </p><p><strong>N </strong>= Nip excuses in the bud </p><p><strong>I</strong> = Implement boundaries </p><p><strong>T</strong> = Trust your instincts </p><p><strong>Y</strong> = Yield everything to God. </p><p>Adapted from Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child Study Guide. Copyright © 2008 by Allison Bottke</p><p>In the mean time, take the steps to secure your own home and assets and warn your friends and family whose homes may be open to her visits (and pilfering). I know the idea of doing that is gut wrenching - but you will feel better after you do it - and you may be surprised at what your friends and family tell you in return. People will be supportive.</p><p></p><p>{{{HUGS}}}</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 481932"] Welcome to our little corner of the web- we've all been in your shoes. I hate to say it, but the shock will wear off and the flutters in your stomach will become a dull ache that you can ignore once in a while or get used to feeling. I found this board in a crisis fueled google frenzy because I needed ANSWERS. I haven't really found any answers but I have found a lot of support. You can lean on us. You can't do anything to change her behavior. Trying to do so will be futile and aggravating...BUT you can change how you let it affect you. I wouldn't be so certain that it isn't drug related (been there-SURPRISE-yikes!) but the reason for the behavior doesn't really matter. A few things I've read that have helped me navigate my new reality: [I] It is possible to be a devoted and conscientious parent and still have it go badly. You can do everything right and your child can still grow up and not want to have the kind of relationship with you that you always hoped youd have. You can do everything right, and your child may still end up with a drug problem that costs you thousands of dollars and endless heartache. You can do everything right and your child may still choose the kind of friends or partners that you never imagined she would have chosen because these people seem so lost and are dragging your child into losing more. You can do everything right and your child can still fail to launch a successful adulthood despite being gifted and talented or possessing an IQ that most people would kill for. --- [/I]Dr. Joshua Coleman [URL="http://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/"]San Francisco, Oakland Psychologist & Couple's Counselor | Dr. Joshua Coleman [/URL] [I]Allison Bottke's "ten commandments" could help you break that negative pattern. (the ones in bold are the ones I need to remember)[/I] 1. You shall take care of your own spiritual, mental, physical, emotional and financial health. 2. You shall remember to express love and attention to your spouse and other family members and friends in addition to your troubled adult child. 3. You shall not accept excuses. 4. [B]You shall understand that a clear definition of right and wrong is imperative for a disciplined society. There is no room for gray. Don't make excuses for what you believe. [/B] 5. You shall make fact-based judgments without excuse, and feel okay doing so. [B]6. You shall uphold standards of behavior that protect your morals, values and integrity. [/B] 7. You shall give your adult child unconditional love and support without meddling and without money. 8. You shall listen to music and read books that will focus your mind on your HP. 9. You shall celebrate life and love as often as possible, even in times of trouble. 10. You shall consistently practice the six steps to SANITY: [B]S[/B] = Stop enabling, stop blaming yourself, and stop the flow of money [B]A[/B] = Assemble a support group [B]N [/B]= Nip excuses in the bud [B]I[/B] = Implement boundaries [B]T[/B] = Trust your instincts [B]Y[/B] = Yield everything to God. Adapted from Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child Study Guide. Copyright © 2008 by Allison Bottke In the mean time, take the steps to secure your own home and assets and warn your friends and family whose homes may be open to her visits (and pilfering). I know the idea of doing that is gut wrenching - but you will feel better after you do it - and you may be surprised at what your friends and family tell you in return. People will be supportive. {{{HUGS}}} [/QUOTE]
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