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New to page - adult stepchild issues. HELP PLEASE
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 482089"><p>Hi and Welcome from another mom who has been there, is there!! I think all of us here really understand what you are going through. It is so hard and so heartbreaking.... and getting past the feelings of guilt of what did I do wrong and also the embarrassment is difficult but a huge important step.</p><p></p><p>I too really wonder about her drug use. As you said she is already abusing alcohol, chances are she is doing other stuff too... may not be street drugs... may be pot or pills... but substance problem is there it sounds like. </p><p></p><p>If you can possibly find a parents alanon group that could be very helpful... especially if hubby will go with you. We found an absolutely wonderful group here and it has helped me immensely... just being around people who understand helps... and the readings help. Getting the point of the 3 Cs... you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. All of those things are true... especially when we are talking about a chlld who is now legally an adult.</p><p></p><p>At this point it is about you, taking care of yourself. Holding your head up high..... be proud of who you are, what you have accomplished in life.... the fact that your dtr is making bad decisions and doing self destructive things is not your fault and really (no matter what anyone says) is no reflection on you (or your husband or his exwife). </p><p></p><p>It is a hard step to get to the point of not enabling her... not surprising you are getting there first...everyone has to get there in their own way I think but support along the way can help. </p><p></p><p>As far as the holidays I think you should do what feels the best to you and your family. I think I wouldn't have her come with no warning to your parents about how she might behave.... either prepare them or don't have her come. I see nothing wrong with disiniviting her as you and hubby deserve to have a nice holiday.</p><p></p><p>I am one of these people who tend to pretty open about things, kind of wear my heart on my sleeve. So people in m life know what we have gone through with my son. I just find it easier that way. I have been embarrassed in the past but I am over that now. He is making hs own choices and people who know us know we have done everything possible to try and help him and now it really is up to him..... I won't go into detail here as there are plenty of threads which tell my story. One thing I have found is many many people have a family member who deals with these types of issues.... mental illness or drug/alchol addiction etc. It is much more common that you think... people often dont talk about it, but when you do they will also open up.</p><p></p><p>And yeah some people it makes them really uncomfortable to hear.... and they will walk away... so let them.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 482089"] Hi and Welcome from another mom who has been there, is there!! I think all of us here really understand what you are going through. It is so hard and so heartbreaking.... and getting past the feelings of guilt of what did I do wrong and also the embarrassment is difficult but a huge important step. I too really wonder about her drug use. As you said she is already abusing alcohol, chances are she is doing other stuff too... may not be street drugs... may be pot or pills... but substance problem is there it sounds like. If you can possibly find a parents alanon group that could be very helpful... especially if hubby will go with you. We found an absolutely wonderful group here and it has helped me immensely... just being around people who understand helps... and the readings help. Getting the point of the 3 Cs... you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. All of those things are true... especially when we are talking about a chlld who is now legally an adult. At this point it is about you, taking care of yourself. Holding your head up high..... be proud of who you are, what you have accomplished in life.... the fact that your dtr is making bad decisions and doing self destructive things is not your fault and really (no matter what anyone says) is no reflection on you (or your husband or his exwife). It is a hard step to get to the point of not enabling her... not surprising you are getting there first...everyone has to get there in their own way I think but support along the way can help. As far as the holidays I think you should do what feels the best to you and your family. I think I wouldn't have her come with no warning to your parents about how she might behave.... either prepare them or don't have her come. I see nothing wrong with disiniviting her as you and hubby deserve to have a nice holiday. I am one of these people who tend to pretty open about things, kind of wear my heart on my sleeve. So people in m life know what we have gone through with my son. I just find it easier that way. I have been embarrassed in the past but I am over that now. He is making hs own choices and people who know us know we have done everything possible to try and help him and now it really is up to him..... I won't go into detail here as there are plenty of threads which tell my story. One thing I have found is many many people have a family member who deals with these types of issues.... mental illness or drug/alchol addiction etc. It is much more common that you think... people often dont talk about it, but when you do they will also open up. And yeah some people it makes them really uncomfortable to hear.... and they will walk away... so let them. TL [/QUOTE]
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