Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
New to the forum and looking for support/suggestions
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 400316" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Hi and welcome! The first thing I would like to ask is that if your screen name is your real name, PLEASE change it! This is for your safet and security and your family's. While we are a very supportive community, we deal with mental illness and letting people know your last name is a "no no". </p><p> </p><p>I think it is great that you can recognize your Asperger's and how it has affected your life and relationship with your son. I also sympathize iwth your wife - I have some pretty severe health issues that are continually getting worse and responding less to treatment. Please make sure that your wife gets some help because chronic illness can cause depression all on its' own (who wouldn't have depression when they hurt so much so often, Know what I mean??). I know, in my case, that the stress and physicallity (sp?) of dealing with my own Aspie did a LOT to make my health worse. I do NOT let him know this or admit it because he would put much blame on himself. I CHOSE to be on the "front line" and it is not his fault, Know what I mean?? But even at 19 my son would NOT believe this or cut himself any slack from the guilt. </p><p> </p><p>You say that the RTCs put him behind in education. Was he refusing to do the work or did they not focus on it? It sounds like they did not have much of a clue, which a lot of us run into.</p><p> </p><p>I realize you are in Cleveland, but have you ever been to any of the other Children's Hospitals in the state? We lived in Cincy and had excellent treatment/help from the psychology and psychiatry depts there. I can send you the name of a person who helped us greatly there. Her online info at the hospital says she sees younger patients but she might have someone she could recommend. In many ways she put us on the path to finding what we needed to do to learn to be the parents we needed to be for our son. I just wonder if they might be a different resource with new ideas. </p><p> </p><p>Many of the behaviors that make up conduct disorder, at least as described in the DSM, are behaviors that can also be "normal" in teenagers because the way their brains are developing. I am NOT excusing the behaviors, just saying that conduct disorder is not technically supposed to be diagnosis'd until after age 18 for this reason. MST, aka multi-systemic therapy, is currently the recommended therapy for conduct disorder as near as I can remember. You may want to look for this in your area or via google. </p><p> </p><p>Given the financial situation, which must be strained with the inability to work and your wife's health, have you tried to get the state chidlren's insurance for your son? I know it is not the best, but it can be a huge help. Where we live it covers many, many things that private insurance does NOT, and without the many rounds of appeals we endured with private insurance. My son spent 4 mos in a psychiatric hospital (more of an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but not called that) and that insurance program paid every penny. In fact, later when we had private insurance we could not FIND a program that would take him - they ALL would have taken him with the state insurance. </p><p> </p><p>Given your son's interests and age, have you ever drug tested him? It might be a wise step. I recommend getting a kit from Walmart and mailing it off. I see a pain mgmt doctor and he explained that these are done in labs that only or primarily process drug tests and are far LESS likely to return false positives, and to fall for the various ways that the kids try to beat the tests if they are using. MAny people with mental illness/developmental delays, etc... self medicate to help try to "fix" whatever they perceive as their problems or to try to cope. This becomes even more likely if there is any history of drug/alcohol problems in the family (including extended family). If he is using alcohol or drugs it is likely to mean that his other medications are not able to help. </p><p> </p><p>Your son has a history of violence. Have you and your wife ever pressed domestic violence charges on him? You have every legal right to do so. You can also press charges for destruction of property and/or vandalism if he damages your home/property. I do hope that he does not have a driver's license as it would easily become a weapon if he was angry. I think OH requires certain school performance/attendance for underage drivers, so that might help if he is pushing to get his license. Even if your son has not been arrested for DV, you and your wife need to contact the local DV center for help. What he is doing when he is violent is abusing you. This includes physical, mental, verbal and emotional abuse - not just physical. A DV center will help you with free counselling, group and private, and they can offer to let your son join a group for abusers and also receive private therapy. I know one of the things that really helped my son stop abusing my daughter was when the psychiatric hospital put him in a group for boys who abused women. My gfgbro is an undx'd aspie who is abusive. He learned a lot from the men's program at a DV center. </p><p> </p><p>DV centers have other resources also, including financial ones and legal ones. They may be able to help with more than just the therapy. Even if they cannot, both you and your wife are being abused. I don't know if it will help your difficult child, but seeking help from them will help you and your wife. I urge you to seek out this kind of help. Your son's abuse of you is NOT YOUR FAULT. PERIOD.</p><p> </p><p>You have between 1 and 2 years to really reach your son. He is already old enough to refuse medication and many types of therapies unless court ordered. One way to get the courts to help is to keep calling the police when he is out of line at home. It is HARD to do this. Both to call and go to the court. But at age 18 the ONLY influence you will have over your son is bribery in the way of refusing to give financial/emotional support if he doesn't do what you want. He is also then going to b e at the mercy of the real world. The world isn't going to let him be violent when he doesn't want to do something - they are going to toss him in jail. Most likely not the first time, or even the third or fourth - but it WILL catch up with him. Right now you have a chance to have him get help IF you can convince him to not only go and get it, but then to USE it. I wish there was more available to you and your son. Sadly, there isn't. </p><p> </p><p>Many programs will not accept him unless he is WILLING and will not lock him in unless it is court ordered. This makes getting help for HIM even harder. This means that you now have to begin to look at what is best for you and your wife. Are you willing to let him live at home after age 18? What are you willing to pay for after he is 18? His phone, computer, a place to live, food, clothing, transportation, medical care? You must start to think about this now, so that you and your wife can be on the same page (or close) by the time that he is 18. Some of us have had to tell our kids that they cannot live at home anymore. Some have set their kids up in apartments, sent them to relatives, to friends, etc... and some have had to give them a list of shelters and put their belonging outside. It is heartbreaking, but at some point they have to take responsiblity for their choices and actions. We cannot tell you the right time to do it, or what to do. We can support you as you work to help your child assume adult responsiblities and as you do all the other stuff that is part of life iwth a difficult child.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>whatever your choices, we are here. We know that not every parent is ready to do things at the same pace, or at all. That is one reason this group is so incredible and supportive. There is a LOT of knowledge here, so read as much as you want to/need to/are able to. I would like to invite your wife to join us. Many of us have similar physical challenges as she does, and we understand. It will also help the two of you to communicate more clearly as you post and read what each other posts. She can ahve her own screen name or use yours if she prefers. </p><p> </p><p>Sending lots of support. Come back often!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 400316, member: 1233"] Hi and welcome! The first thing I would like to ask is that if your screen name is your real name, PLEASE change it! This is for your safet and security and your family's. While we are a very supportive community, we deal with mental illness and letting people know your last name is a "no no". I think it is great that you can recognize your Asperger's and how it has affected your life and relationship with your son. I also sympathize iwth your wife - I have some pretty severe health issues that are continually getting worse and responding less to treatment. Please make sure that your wife gets some help because chronic illness can cause depression all on its' own (who wouldn't have depression when they hurt so much so often, Know what I mean??). I know, in my case, that the stress and physicallity (sp?) of dealing with my own Aspie did a LOT to make my health worse. I do NOT let him know this or admit it because he would put much blame on himself. I CHOSE to be on the "front line" and it is not his fault, Know what I mean?? But even at 19 my son would NOT believe this or cut himself any slack from the guilt. You say that the RTCs put him behind in education. Was he refusing to do the work or did they not focus on it? It sounds like they did not have much of a clue, which a lot of us run into. I realize you are in Cleveland, but have you ever been to any of the other Children's Hospitals in the state? We lived in Cincy and had excellent treatment/help from the psychology and psychiatry depts there. I can send you the name of a person who helped us greatly there. Her online info at the hospital says she sees younger patients but she might have someone she could recommend. In many ways she put us on the path to finding what we needed to do to learn to be the parents we needed to be for our son. I just wonder if they might be a different resource with new ideas. Many of the behaviors that make up conduct disorder, at least as described in the DSM, are behaviors that can also be "normal" in teenagers because the way their brains are developing. I am NOT excusing the behaviors, just saying that conduct disorder is not technically supposed to be diagnosis'd until after age 18 for this reason. MST, aka multi-systemic therapy, is currently the recommended therapy for conduct disorder as near as I can remember. You may want to look for this in your area or via google. Given the financial situation, which must be strained with the inability to work and your wife's health, have you tried to get the state chidlren's insurance for your son? I know it is not the best, but it can be a huge help. Where we live it covers many, many things that private insurance does NOT, and without the many rounds of appeals we endured with private insurance. My son spent 4 mos in a psychiatric hospital (more of an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but not called that) and that insurance program paid every penny. In fact, later when we had private insurance we could not FIND a program that would take him - they ALL would have taken him with the state insurance. Given your son's interests and age, have you ever drug tested him? It might be a wise step. I recommend getting a kit from Walmart and mailing it off. I see a pain mgmt doctor and he explained that these are done in labs that only or primarily process drug tests and are far LESS likely to return false positives, and to fall for the various ways that the kids try to beat the tests if they are using. MAny people with mental illness/developmental delays, etc... self medicate to help try to "fix" whatever they perceive as their problems or to try to cope. This becomes even more likely if there is any history of drug/alcohol problems in the family (including extended family). If he is using alcohol or drugs it is likely to mean that his other medications are not able to help. Your son has a history of violence. Have you and your wife ever pressed domestic violence charges on him? You have every legal right to do so. You can also press charges for destruction of property and/or vandalism if he damages your home/property. I do hope that he does not have a driver's license as it would easily become a weapon if he was angry. I think OH requires certain school performance/attendance for underage drivers, so that might help if he is pushing to get his license. Even if your son has not been arrested for DV, you and your wife need to contact the local DV center for help. What he is doing when he is violent is abusing you. This includes physical, mental, verbal and emotional abuse - not just physical. A DV center will help you with free counselling, group and private, and they can offer to let your son join a group for abusers and also receive private therapy. I know one of the things that really helped my son stop abusing my daughter was when the psychiatric hospital put him in a group for boys who abused women. My gfgbro is an undx'd aspie who is abusive. He learned a lot from the men's program at a DV center. DV centers have other resources also, including financial ones and legal ones. They may be able to help with more than just the therapy. Even if they cannot, both you and your wife are being abused. I don't know if it will help your difficult child, but seeking help from them will help you and your wife. I urge you to seek out this kind of help. Your son's abuse of you is NOT YOUR FAULT. PERIOD. You have between 1 and 2 years to really reach your son. He is already old enough to refuse medication and many types of therapies unless court ordered. One way to get the courts to help is to keep calling the police when he is out of line at home. It is HARD to do this. Both to call and go to the court. But at age 18 the ONLY influence you will have over your son is bribery in the way of refusing to give financial/emotional support if he doesn't do what you want. He is also then going to b e at the mercy of the real world. The world isn't going to let him be violent when he doesn't want to do something - they are going to toss him in jail. Most likely not the first time, or even the third or fourth - but it WILL catch up with him. Right now you have a chance to have him get help IF you can convince him to not only go and get it, but then to USE it. I wish there was more available to you and your son. Sadly, there isn't. Many programs will not accept him unless he is WILLING and will not lock him in unless it is court ordered. This makes getting help for HIM even harder. This means that you now have to begin to look at what is best for you and your wife. Are you willing to let him live at home after age 18? What are you willing to pay for after he is 18? His phone, computer, a place to live, food, clothing, transportation, medical care? You must start to think about this now, so that you and your wife can be on the same page (or close) by the time that he is 18. Some of us have had to tell our kids that they cannot live at home anymore. Some have set their kids up in apartments, sent them to relatives, to friends, etc... and some have had to give them a list of shelters and put their belonging outside. It is heartbreaking, but at some point they have to take responsiblity for their choices and actions. We cannot tell you the right time to do it, or what to do. We can support you as you work to help your child assume adult responsiblities and as you do all the other stuff that is part of life iwth a difficult child. whatever your choices, we are here. We know that not every parent is ready to do things at the same pace, or at all. That is one reason this group is so incredible and supportive. There is a LOT of knowledge here, so read as much as you want to/need to/are able to. I would like to invite your wife to join us. Many of us have similar physical challenges as she does, and we understand. It will also help the two of you to communicate more clearly as you post and read what each other posts. She can ahve her own screen name or use yours if she prefers. Sending lots of support. Come back often! [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
New to the forum and looking for support/suggestions
Top