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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 761671" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Kitty</p><p></p><p>It's not your fault. None of it. </p><p></p><p>I think that there is a way that repeated trauma and fear cause us to inure ourselves to it's presence. It's kind of like being in warm water as it heats. We increasingly tolerate it, until it's too hot and boiling, when it's too late to get out. You know you are at risk.</p><p></p><p>I agree with Acacia. You've both suffered extreme and repeated trauma. That said, what your son has done are crimes. You know that. However guilty you may feel, you don't deserve to be physically assaulted or terrorized. First and foremost, your son must leave the house. I believe his prior actions and the potential that he may act on his threats to you warrant your obtaining a restraining order from the judge. There is a mother that his posted here for 6 years, that was in this situation. Her name is "Feeling Sad." The facts aren't the same but the danger was. You may want to read some of her thread. It is sad, but now she's safe.</p><p></p><p>Yours is a painful story but all of us here have a variation of the same. We can only begin where we are. All of us change at a point when we feel we've made many, many mistakes. The crucial thing is to allow ourselves, yourself, to begin again. Both you and your son have great potential to change, and to live lives that are peaceful, based upon self-respect and self-control. Not one thing comes from self-accusation. There is no room for that <strong>or</strong> what your son is doing to you.</p><p></p><p><strong>No. </strong> Honestly, I think all of your so-called mistakes have come from big-heartedness.</p><p></p><p>I agree with the others. The first thing is to find support. For me, I found support within my faith and I found it here, and recently I began psychotherapy. I had never been spiritual before, but I am now. I don't know how to describe the peace and sense of wholeness that comes to me, from this.</p><p></p><p>You are not responsible to heal your son, or to pay for him to heal himself. Nor are you responsible to support him financially or emotionally or socially. If he is too disabled to work, he can apply for SSI. That is what my son did when he was 23 after I had made him leave my house.</p><p></p><p>Through the government if your son is approved he can get Medicare or Medicaid for healthcare and therapy if he wants it. There is job training through Vocational Rehabilitation. (All of this presumes you are in the U.S.) If he is unable to live on his own there are assisted living places and skilled nursing facilities where adults live who can't take care of themselves.</p><p></p><p>Your son has a pattern of repeated aggression to solve his problems. He is aggressive towards you physically and emotionally. This is the elephant in the living room. Al Anon, a private therapist, or people here, can help you in taking this essential step, which I think needs to happen now. You need to get help to make him leave right away. Every day he's there it crushes you more and there is more potential for this to be a disaster.</p><p></p><p>Finally, it doesn't matter what your son tells therapists and others, you know the truth. But telling tall tales about you is wrong and exposes you to danger and consequences you don't deserve. If you are working your professional license could be at stake. At minimum you could be embarrassed and you don't deserve that. Telling lies about us goes with the territory. So many of the adult children here have done so. My son too. And I know he loves me very much. But it was very hurtful.</p><p></p><p>I think most important is this: in your post you seem to infer causality of your son's problems, with the words "many mistakes" or your part. This is false. All of us are responsible for our own life story. Your son has full responsibility for his life story as an adult, just as you have for your own life. You took responsibility for your life and the people in it, and tried to do the right thing. The fact that your son has not made other choices is really not related to you.</p><p></p><p>Welcome to the forum. You are not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 761671, member: 18958"] Dear Kitty It's not your fault. None of it. I think that there is a way that repeated trauma and fear cause us to inure ourselves to it's presence. It's kind of like being in warm water as it heats. We increasingly tolerate it, until it's too hot and boiling, when it's too late to get out. You know you are at risk. I agree with Acacia. You've both suffered extreme and repeated trauma. That said, what your son has done are crimes. You know that. However guilty you may feel, you don't deserve to be physically assaulted or terrorized. First and foremost, your son must leave the house. I believe his prior actions and the potential that he may act on his threats to you warrant your obtaining a restraining order from the judge. There is a mother that his posted here for 6 years, that was in this situation. Her name is "Feeling Sad." The facts aren't the same but the danger was. You may want to read some of her thread. It is sad, but now she's safe. Yours is a painful story but all of us here have a variation of the same. We can only begin where we are. All of us change at a point when we feel we've made many, many mistakes. The crucial thing is to allow ourselves, yourself, to begin again. Both you and your son have great potential to change, and to live lives that are peaceful, based upon self-respect and self-control. Not one thing comes from self-accusation. There is no room for that [B]or[/B] what your son is doing to you. [B]No. [/B] Honestly, I think all of your so-called mistakes have come from big-heartedness. I agree with the others. The first thing is to find support. For me, I found support within my faith and I found it here, and recently I began psychotherapy. I had never been spiritual before, but I am now. I don't know how to describe the peace and sense of wholeness that comes to me, from this. You are not responsible to heal your son, or to pay for him to heal himself. Nor are you responsible to support him financially or emotionally or socially. If he is too disabled to work, he can apply for SSI. That is what my son did when he was 23 after I had made him leave my house. Through the government if your son is approved he can get Medicare or Medicaid for healthcare and therapy if he wants it. There is job training through Vocational Rehabilitation. (All of this presumes you are in the U.S.) If he is unable to live on his own there are assisted living places and skilled nursing facilities where adults live who can't take care of themselves. Your son has a pattern of repeated aggression to solve his problems. He is aggressive towards you physically and emotionally. This is the elephant in the living room. Al Anon, a private therapist, or people here, can help you in taking this essential step, which I think needs to happen now. You need to get help to make him leave right away. Every day he's there it crushes you more and there is more potential for this to be a disaster. Finally, it doesn't matter what your son tells therapists and others, you know the truth. But telling tall tales about you is wrong and exposes you to danger and consequences you don't deserve. If you are working your professional license could be at stake. At minimum you could be embarrassed and you don't deserve that. Telling lies about us goes with the territory. So many of the adult children here have done so. My son too. And I know he loves me very much. But it was very hurtful. I think most important is this: in your post you seem to infer causality of your son's problems, with the words "many mistakes" or your part. This is false. All of us are responsible for our own life story. Your son has full responsibility for his life story as an adult, just as you have for your own life. You took responsibility for your life and the people in it, and tried to do the right thing. The fact that your son has not made other choices is really not related to you. Welcome to the forum. You are not alone. [/QUOTE]
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