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Substance Abuse
Newbie...desperate mom with 20 yo addict...court tomorrow
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 578974" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>Wakegirl,</p><p></p><p>I have been thinking about you and what you are going through. I totally understand all of your fears and have had those fears myself. And I know my son was one of those kids on the street panhandling for money....made me feel kind of sick to my stomach and changed my view of the homeless forever.</p><p></p><p>So here are some thoughts....it is the scariest thing in the world to think about something happening to your kid. I still dont know how I would handle that if that happens, it is kind of incomprehensible. What I have realized is that enabling my kid, doing what I think I can to keep him safe and out of trouble, does not necessarily keep him safe... not if it means he can keep drinking and drugging. Ultimately those things can be very dangerous and kill you even if they are home in a warm bed. Realizing that got me to the place of letting him go and ultimately to letting him be really seriously homeless with no place to go.</p><p></p><p>However the other thing that helped me was to realize from the bottom of my heart that I had done everything possible to get him help.... my son has been in several rehabs and sober houses and gotten kicked out of a bunch of them and walked out of the last one before he was homeless for 5 months. So we have offered help, we have been there for him, I have not turned my back on him and said I dont wnat you in my life. What I have doen is make very clear I will help you when you want help, but I will not support you in drinking and drugging and not being productive in your life.</p><p></p><p>So knowing I had done everything possible, and that really and truly it is up to him to decide to get help, I came to sort of a resignation that he could die. That thought scares me but I felt some semblance of peace and acceptance that it is really out of my hands. It is not something I have control over.</p><p></p><p>The other thing I have done is to not slam any doors with him or put him in a position where he could not come to us for help (not that we would always give it to him). This was advice given to me by a therapist when we first kicked him out of our house. I think it was good advice. So I would text him every now and then that I was thinking about him or that I loved him. Sometimes he would respond and sometimes he would not. Somehow though it helped me to feel like I was still there for him even if he was choosing to ignore me. I think that has been really important in the long run and in where our relationship is now. My son knows we love him, and he knows we will help him if he is doing the right things. I think that gives him the best chance to succeed, to know we are there backing him up. However he also knows if he thumbs his nose at us all and does not do the right thing, that we will not protect him from himself.</p><p></p><p>So for now he is doing the right thing and getting help... and we are helping him do that. I dread the idea or thought that we might have to let him go again, but we will if we have to.</p><p></p><p>The other thing, and probably the hardest thing for me was to give up the idea that I had any control over the situation.. I dont and you don't. So dont base the things you do or dont do on what you think he will or wont do in reaction.... that is still a form of you trying to control the situation. Base the things you do on what feels right to you..... so if it feels right to get him groceries, then get him groceries. If you feel he is manipulating you to give him money or groceries or whatever and it doesnt feel right to you then dont do it. Listen to your gut. If not seeing him feels right to you then dont see him... however if not seeing him is a way to get him to see the light then that probably wont work. And if it feels right to see him, that somehow it will give you some sense of how he is then see him. Really the bottome line for you is to listen to your gut and do what feels right to you (not what he tells you is right). </p><p></p><p>I hope this helps.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 578974, member: 15801"] Wakegirl, I have been thinking about you and what you are going through. I totally understand all of your fears and have had those fears myself. And I know my son was one of those kids on the street panhandling for money....made me feel kind of sick to my stomach and changed my view of the homeless forever. So here are some thoughts....it is the scariest thing in the world to think about something happening to your kid. I still dont know how I would handle that if that happens, it is kind of incomprehensible. What I have realized is that enabling my kid, doing what I think I can to keep him safe and out of trouble, does not necessarily keep him safe... not if it means he can keep drinking and drugging. Ultimately those things can be very dangerous and kill you even if they are home in a warm bed. Realizing that got me to the place of letting him go and ultimately to letting him be really seriously homeless with no place to go. However the other thing that helped me was to realize from the bottom of my heart that I had done everything possible to get him help.... my son has been in several rehabs and sober houses and gotten kicked out of a bunch of them and walked out of the last one before he was homeless for 5 months. So we have offered help, we have been there for him, I have not turned my back on him and said I dont wnat you in my life. What I have doen is make very clear I will help you when you want help, but I will not support you in drinking and drugging and not being productive in your life. So knowing I had done everything possible, and that really and truly it is up to him to decide to get help, I came to sort of a resignation that he could die. That thought scares me but I felt some semblance of peace and acceptance that it is really out of my hands. It is not something I have control over. The other thing I have done is to not slam any doors with him or put him in a position where he could not come to us for help (not that we would always give it to him). This was advice given to me by a therapist when we first kicked him out of our house. I think it was good advice. So I would text him every now and then that I was thinking about him or that I loved him. Sometimes he would respond and sometimes he would not. Somehow though it helped me to feel like I was still there for him even if he was choosing to ignore me. I think that has been really important in the long run and in where our relationship is now. My son knows we love him, and he knows we will help him if he is doing the right things. I think that gives him the best chance to succeed, to know we are there backing him up. However he also knows if he thumbs his nose at us all and does not do the right thing, that we will not protect him from himself. So for now he is doing the right thing and getting help... and we are helping him do that. I dread the idea or thought that we might have to let him go again, but we will if we have to. The other thing, and probably the hardest thing for me was to give up the idea that I had any control over the situation.. I dont and you don't. So dont base the things you do or dont do on what you think he will or wont do in reaction.... that is still a form of you trying to control the situation. Base the things you do on what feels right to you..... so if it feels right to get him groceries, then get him groceries. If you feel he is manipulating you to give him money or groceries or whatever and it doesnt feel right to you then dont do it. Listen to your gut. If not seeing him feels right to you then dont see him... however if not seeing him is a way to get him to see the light then that probably wont work. And if it feels right to see him, that somehow it will give you some sense of how he is then see him. Really the bottome line for you is to listen to your gut and do what feels right to you (not what he tells you is right). I hope this helps. TL [/QUOTE]
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