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Substance Abuse
Newbie...desperate mom with 20 yo addict...court tomorrow
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 579063" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>I think you get to the point where you know you have done everything you can. In our case we have paid for multiple rehabs and treatments for my son and he would do well and then either leave there and relapse or he would get kicked out..... so we have given him lots of help. This last time when he walked out we told him that was it he was really on his own and he knew it too. But I just got to the point where I realized that until he wants it nothing I can do can make any difference. And to be honest I probably helped him get treatment too many times before we let him really be homeless... he had been homeless for a couple of weeks before but never like this. And this time when he decided to go for treatment we told him only if insurance will cover it... no more private pay from us. As it turns out we are paying privately but we got a good deal and compared to other places it is much much cheaper.</p><p></p><p>So no one can tell you really when you have done enough, but i think you will know it when you are there.</p><p></p><p>As far as telling when the cry for help is real... it is when they take positive action themselves. Most of these difficult children are master manipulators, including my son and yours. So no telling you it will be different is not good enough, he has to really take action which in our case was being willing to go into treatment. There was one point where my son had a job and was trying to get an apartment and we did agree to help him with rent... I think lucky for us they would not rent to him!!! So I think your son has to say I want help and then listen to what kind of help you are willing to give him...and to tell the truth I think it needs to be done outside of him living in your home. The threats of violence are too much and is a stress you should not have to live with. In our case I have a younger daughter that I was unwilling to put back in that situation. In your case I think I would insist he not move back home, and that the kind of help you are willing to give him is some kind of treatment. If you do let him move back home it should be under very strict conditions that you are willing to follow through on... although I hope you dont do this right now (but will understand if you do). </p><p></p><p>It is a very difficult balancing act to not enable, to not be taken in by their pleas and lies, to stand your ground, keep your boundaries and still let them know you love them. And the truth is while they are using drugs, while they want what they want from you, they will not appreciate your love and caring. Doesnt mean they dont need it, but they wont appreciate it and so it is important for you to detach and not need their acknowledgement because you probably wont get it at this point in time.</p><p></p><p>I was just thinking tonight of what my stand is going to be with my son when I go and see him.... and it is that I will help and support him when he is doing the next right thing... and I will not do anything that feels to me that it will lead him down the wrong path. I cant decide what path he takes but I am not going to give him somethig or do anything that will help him go the wrong way.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 579063, member: 15801"] I think you get to the point where you know you have done everything you can. In our case we have paid for multiple rehabs and treatments for my son and he would do well and then either leave there and relapse or he would get kicked out..... so we have given him lots of help. This last time when he walked out we told him that was it he was really on his own and he knew it too. But I just got to the point where I realized that until he wants it nothing I can do can make any difference. And to be honest I probably helped him get treatment too many times before we let him really be homeless... he had been homeless for a couple of weeks before but never like this. And this time when he decided to go for treatment we told him only if insurance will cover it... no more private pay from us. As it turns out we are paying privately but we got a good deal and compared to other places it is much much cheaper. So no one can tell you really when you have done enough, but i think you will know it when you are there. As far as telling when the cry for help is real... it is when they take positive action themselves. Most of these difficult children are master manipulators, including my son and yours. So no telling you it will be different is not good enough, he has to really take action which in our case was being willing to go into treatment. There was one point where my son had a job and was trying to get an apartment and we did agree to help him with rent... I think lucky for us they would not rent to him!!! So I think your son has to say I want help and then listen to what kind of help you are willing to give him...and to tell the truth I think it needs to be done outside of him living in your home. The threats of violence are too much and is a stress you should not have to live with. In our case I have a younger daughter that I was unwilling to put back in that situation. In your case I think I would insist he not move back home, and that the kind of help you are willing to give him is some kind of treatment. If you do let him move back home it should be under very strict conditions that you are willing to follow through on... although I hope you dont do this right now (but will understand if you do). It is a very difficult balancing act to not enable, to not be taken in by their pleas and lies, to stand your ground, keep your boundaries and still let them know you love them. And the truth is while they are using drugs, while they want what they want from you, they will not appreciate your love and caring. Doesnt mean they dont need it, but they wont appreciate it and so it is important for you to detach and not need their acknowledgement because you probably wont get it at this point in time. I was just thinking tonight of what my stand is going to be with my son when I go and see him.... and it is that I will help and support him when he is doing the next right thing... and I will not do anything that feels to me that it will lead him down the wrong path. I cant decide what path he takes but I am not going to give him somethig or do anything that will help him go the wrong way. TL [/QUOTE]
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Newbie...desperate mom with 20 yo addict...court tomorrow
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