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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 380786" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Me too. But knowing what was really going on, and having the school not only admit it, but follow through and discipline the kids involved, was another matter. They might RESPECT me, but the teachers were terrified of the parents of the bullies.</p><p></p><p>In general, the kids were great. It was about a dozen of the boys who were out of hand, and even these kids were not bad kids at heart, most of them. The nucleus of three or four were the big problem. The school 'endorsement' of bullying was a huge problem and I witnessed otherwise really decent kids, attacking another kid "in fun" and would not stop when I said, "He doesn't like it!" The kids said, "It's OK, we're allowed to do this."</p><p>"Not on my watch!" was my reply...</p><p></p><p>I did best with these kids when I sat down and said, "Whatever problems you have had with difficult child 3, is now in the past. We will forget all you did, I ask you to forget all difficult child 3 did. When you meet, you will be polite to one another and not exchange blows. If he hits you, come to me and tell me. If you hit him, I will come to your mother and talk to her. I hope that from here we can all be polite to one another and there will be no more bad feeling. You are a decent person, that is why I am trying to resolve things this way. I know we can all do this."</p><p>I was almost 100% certain that difficult child 3 had never hit him unprovoked, but the way kids interact can be complex, often too complex for an autistic kid to fully understand. But I put it on an equal footing, because I knew deep down this other kid, if he stopped to really evaluate who did what to whom, would realise he had transgressed more and had the most to gain from my offer of amnesty.</p><p></p><p>It worked. I followed trough by "catching out" the former bully doing something nice for difficult child 3, and thanked him. I had to look hard at first. And the look on the kid's face as I approached him was "Oh no, she's going to yell at me for something," when I was in fact about to praise him for being a good sport in the football game he had been playing (on the opposing team to difficult child 3). He was startled, then grateful, for my praise. Later on, he made a point of showing difficult child 3 a few finer points of how to play the game well. Again I thanked him, in front of difficult child 3. I then told the boy's parents that I thought their son was a good sport and very kind. From there, the niceness has exploded. He and difficult child 3 are not friends, but they get on well when they meet now. A far cry from some of the incidents we had, repeatedly, at every meeting.</p><p>Basically, this boy had hassled difficult child 3 because he was a soft target, and he needed to feel better about himself after himself being a bullying victim. Sometimes it is that simple.</p><p></p><p>When dealing with various problems, you need to think outside the square. Teachers also, need to be praised and encouraged. After all, who else understands just how frustrating the kid can be? If a teacher vents, I pat them on the shoulder and say, "Oh yes, I know. There there... you get to go home and have a total break. I get to take the little darling home and deal with things from there. I DO understand!"</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 380786, member: 1991"] Me too. But knowing what was really going on, and having the school not only admit it, but follow through and discipline the kids involved, was another matter. They might RESPECT me, but the teachers were terrified of the parents of the bullies. In general, the kids were great. It was about a dozen of the boys who were out of hand, and even these kids were not bad kids at heart, most of them. The nucleus of three or four were the big problem. The school 'endorsement' of bullying was a huge problem and I witnessed otherwise really decent kids, attacking another kid "in fun" and would not stop when I said, "He doesn't like it!" The kids said, "It's OK, we're allowed to do this." "Not on my watch!" was my reply... I did best with these kids when I sat down and said, "Whatever problems you have had with difficult child 3, is now in the past. We will forget all you did, I ask you to forget all difficult child 3 did. When you meet, you will be polite to one another and not exchange blows. If he hits you, come to me and tell me. If you hit him, I will come to your mother and talk to her. I hope that from here we can all be polite to one another and there will be no more bad feeling. You are a decent person, that is why I am trying to resolve things this way. I know we can all do this." I was almost 100% certain that difficult child 3 had never hit him unprovoked, but the way kids interact can be complex, often too complex for an autistic kid to fully understand. But I put it on an equal footing, because I knew deep down this other kid, if he stopped to really evaluate who did what to whom, would realise he had transgressed more and had the most to gain from my offer of amnesty. It worked. I followed trough by "catching out" the former bully doing something nice for difficult child 3, and thanked him. I had to look hard at first. And the look on the kid's face as I approached him was "Oh no, she's going to yell at me for something," when I was in fact about to praise him for being a good sport in the football game he had been playing (on the opposing team to difficult child 3). He was startled, then grateful, for my praise. Later on, he made a point of showing difficult child 3 a few finer points of how to play the game well. Again I thanked him, in front of difficult child 3. I then told the boy's parents that I thought their son was a good sport and very kind. From there, the niceness has exploded. He and difficult child 3 are not friends, but they get on well when they meet now. A far cry from some of the incidents we had, repeatedly, at every meeting. Basically, this boy had hassled difficult child 3 because he was a soft target, and he needed to feel better about himself after himself being a bullying victim. Sometimes it is that simple. When dealing with various problems, you need to think outside the square. Teachers also, need to be praised and encouraged. After all, who else understands just how frustrating the kid can be? If a teacher vents, I pat them on the shoulder and say, "Oh yes, I know. There there... you get to go home and have a total break. I get to take the little darling home and deal with things from there. I DO understand!" Marg [/QUOTE]
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