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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 88183" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Mildred, you said, "I think he tends to regress to their age..." [the younger cousins] "...rather than want them to act like him."</p><p></p><p>What I meant was, those with autism tend to see everybody on their level. Now if his level happens to be regressed, that is what he perceives. If he identifies with his younger cousins, it is because developmentally he has more in common with them. But he also will view you by the same standards. If you got on the floor, rolled around and begged for a dummy, he would not bat an eyelid, although he might find it unusual - you haven't done it before. It really is hard sometimes to get into their heads, and they do slowly learn all sorts of social skills, especially if you are teaching them, but only as far as they are able to learn them. And every kid is subtly different. For example, difficult child 3 makes good eye contact with people he knows. So does easy child 2/difficult child 2, but she especially makes poor or fleeting eye contact with people she doesn't know so well. difficult child 1 was shocking when it came to eye contact.</p><p>With difficult child 3's eye contact, it was less poor eye contact and more "I'm too busy to look at you right now."</p><p></p><p>Has husband read "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time"? It's by Mark Haddon. It's fiction, written in the first person as if the writer has Asperger's Syndrome (Haddon is not autistic in any way). It's really good at showing what is inside such a person's head. The main character is in his teens, but quite limited in what he has been able to do for himself. His coping skills are original and his family copes to a large extent by supporting his need to limit certain experiences.</p><p></p><p>It's also an adventure story, it's about self-discovery as well as solving a mystery - in the process of which, he solves other mysteries he didn't know existed, and finds some wonderful abilities within himself. It's a brilliant book, an award-winner. Not a children's book, although a child could read it and get something out of it. I wouldn't expect anybody under 15 to really follow it in full detail.</p><p></p><p>As far as 'practising' eye contact, if it feels right, then do it. It's the same with a lot of things about him. Use rewards (spoken word is often enough - try to avoid using material rewards too often). Praise him for maintaining eye contact. Make a game of eye contact, where you perhaps practice staring at each other. And be aware, he may have other needs. For example, Christopher (the character in the book I just mentioned) explains how making eye contact with someone makes it much harder for him to hear what they are saying.</p><p></p><p>You know those games people play with babies? "Touch your ... nose!" "Touch your ... ear!"</p><p>difficult child 3 couldn't do it. Even when we moved his hand to touch the part we mentioned, he just couldn't get it. But easy child invented a game which he COULD do - she would make a facial expression and name it. Then she would ask him to copy it. They would do it together in front of a large mirror. Soon he learnt the names of a number of expressions, although they were very stylised. When he started school and was feeling angry, he would make his face angry to try to communicate to his teacher. It really looked contrived, but the feeling underneath was genuine. And he STILL couldn't play "touch your nose".</p><p>Other autistic kids are the other way around.</p><p></p><p>So if what you're doing with eye contact seems to be not upsetting him, and he's enjoying the game, then carry on. Find other games. When you think about it, a lot of early learning happens through games. Try counting games, finger play games, nursery rhymes, singing games... what worked best for difficult child 3 was NOT breaking things down into baby steps, but exposing him to a full spectrum of a learning area, all at once. Sounds crazy, but it was as if he had to experience the whole thing as a unit, before he could then go back and look at its component parts. For example, learning to read - the hardest part of learning to read it to recognise that something in his world can be represented by an abstract symbol. Even language fits into this category - a newborn baby KNOWS "mother" as the woman who holds him, feeds him, nurtures him, but there is no way a newborn recognises the abstract word. That abstract link comes later.</p><p>For difficult child 3, he learnt the link between the LOOK of a whole word and the object it represented, as well as the SOUND of the word, and the MEANING of the word. All in one go, for each word. He learned "stop" by seeing it written next to a drawing of a stop light on red. We would look at the word, look at the picture and say the word. As we walked and we said the word while looking at the word and the picture, we would immediately stop. Of course, this meant we also had to learn the word "go" at the same time.</p><p>He was two years old and apart from the words he was learning this way, he was non-verbal. What he could read, he could use. Therefore he could count, but usually only while watching something else counting - he was reading a countdown, or a count-up. He could read numbers and the alphabet before he was two. And yet when he was 4, we were told he was "borderline".</p><p></p><p>You find what opens the door for your child and you stick your foot in the door. And like any good door-to-door salesman, you use that chink in the door to entice the customer to get interested in what you are selling. Different customers will like different products. It's up to you to find what 'sells' to him.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 88183, member: 1991"] Mildred, you said, "I think he tends to regress to their age..." [the younger cousins] "...rather than want them to act like him." What I meant was, those with autism tend to see everybody on their level. Now if his level happens to be regressed, that is what he perceives. If he identifies with his younger cousins, it is because developmentally he has more in common with them. But he also will view you by the same standards. If you got on the floor, rolled around and begged for a dummy, he would not bat an eyelid, although he might find it unusual - you haven't done it before. It really is hard sometimes to get into their heads, and they do slowly learn all sorts of social skills, especially if you are teaching them, but only as far as they are able to learn them. And every kid is subtly different. For example, difficult child 3 makes good eye contact with people he knows. So does easy child 2/difficult child 2, but she especially makes poor or fleeting eye contact with people she doesn't know so well. difficult child 1 was shocking when it came to eye contact. With difficult child 3's eye contact, it was less poor eye contact and more "I'm too busy to look at you right now." Has husband read "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time"? It's by Mark Haddon. It's fiction, written in the first person as if the writer has Asperger's Syndrome (Haddon is not autistic in any way). It's really good at showing what is inside such a person's head. The main character is in his teens, but quite limited in what he has been able to do for himself. His coping skills are original and his family copes to a large extent by supporting his need to limit certain experiences. It's also an adventure story, it's about self-discovery as well as solving a mystery - in the process of which, he solves other mysteries he didn't know existed, and finds some wonderful abilities within himself. It's a brilliant book, an award-winner. Not a children's book, although a child could read it and get something out of it. I wouldn't expect anybody under 15 to really follow it in full detail. As far as 'practising' eye contact, if it feels right, then do it. It's the same with a lot of things about him. Use rewards (spoken word is often enough - try to avoid using material rewards too often). Praise him for maintaining eye contact. Make a game of eye contact, where you perhaps practice staring at each other. And be aware, he may have other needs. For example, Christopher (the character in the book I just mentioned) explains how making eye contact with someone makes it much harder for him to hear what they are saying. You know those games people play with babies? "Touch your ... nose!" "Touch your ... ear!" difficult child 3 couldn't do it. Even when we moved his hand to touch the part we mentioned, he just couldn't get it. But easy child invented a game which he COULD do - she would make a facial expression and name it. Then she would ask him to copy it. They would do it together in front of a large mirror. Soon he learnt the names of a number of expressions, although they were very stylised. When he started school and was feeling angry, he would make his face angry to try to communicate to his teacher. It really looked contrived, but the feeling underneath was genuine. And he STILL couldn't play "touch your nose". Other autistic kids are the other way around. So if what you're doing with eye contact seems to be not upsetting him, and he's enjoying the game, then carry on. Find other games. When you think about it, a lot of early learning happens through games. Try counting games, finger play games, nursery rhymes, singing games... what worked best for difficult child 3 was NOT breaking things down into baby steps, but exposing him to a full spectrum of a learning area, all at once. Sounds crazy, but it was as if he had to experience the whole thing as a unit, before he could then go back and look at its component parts. For example, learning to read - the hardest part of learning to read it to recognise that something in his world can be represented by an abstract symbol. Even language fits into this category - a newborn baby KNOWS "mother" as the woman who holds him, feeds him, nurtures him, but there is no way a newborn recognises the abstract word. That abstract link comes later. For difficult child 3, he learnt the link between the LOOK of a whole word and the object it represented, as well as the SOUND of the word, and the MEANING of the word. All in one go, for each word. He learned "stop" by seeing it written next to a drawing of a stop light on red. We would look at the word, look at the picture and say the word. As we walked and we said the word while looking at the word and the picture, we would immediately stop. Of course, this meant we also had to learn the word "go" at the same time. He was two years old and apart from the words he was learning this way, he was non-verbal. What he could read, he could use. Therefore he could count, but usually only while watching something else counting - he was reading a countdown, or a count-up. He could read numbers and the alphabet before he was two. And yet when he was 4, we were told he was "borderline". You find what opens the door for your child and you stick your foot in the door. And like any good door-to-door salesman, you use that chink in the door to entice the customer to get interested in what you are selling. Different customers will like different products. It's up to you to find what 'sells' to him. Marg [/QUOTE]
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