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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704903" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is the bottom line as I see it, too.</p><p></p><p>You find yourself as the odd-man out. You say your wife wanted therapy, but you see her as not following through. But it sounds like you may be resistant, too. That there is warfare rather than compromise. In a relationship there is seldom one side more right. Both people matter. Your wife seems unwilling or unable to deal with her son in the way that you want. As I see it, you have a choice here: you can blame her; you can try to understand and work with her; or you can leave.</p><p></p><p>Many of us have children who overuse marijuana. Your step-son works, this is good. I will not and cannot justify his behavior or advocate for him, but many of us have worse, and our spouses or partners work with us as a team. They take on our responsibilities as their own to share. They care deeply about our children who are not their own. If you cannot find this position in your own marriage, it may be the marriage that is being sacrificed. It may be that your wife already sees this.</p><p></p><p></p><p>And perhaps, you may have reached this point too.</p><p></p><p>It seems to me that you may be taking a power position towards her and implicitly telling her: <em>My way is better. </em> And that may why she is tuning you out. She has heard you already. She has made her choice.</p><p></p><p>This is clearly <em>your view.</em> But there are other views and vantage points. Other philosophies and ways of thinking that have merit.</p><p></p><p>For example, the book you reference takes a very hard line. Some reviews question its suitability for families where they may be acting out, but no hard drugs or criminal behavior. There is a spectrum of possibilities--which are all viable.</p><p>Most of us, mothers of sons have found ourselves here. We feel caught between rocks and hard places. We do not want to eject our sons. And our sons, too, need their mothers. They are struggling against, but needing to be adult men. For some of them it is harder, way harder than others. It can be because of emotional problems, experiencing divorce, single mothers, etcetera. But these kids cannot be compared, fairly, to other kids who have not had these issues.</p><p>No matter how many people or sources, or books or experts, you can get to line up on your side, your wife, this young man's mother is entitled (even obligated) to do what she feels is the right thing to do for her child. She is obligated to act from what she believes. To keep trying to erode her position would seem to undermine your relationship, your marriage and your family, more. You have a choice here: To leave the marriage or to decide to stay and to support your marriage, your wife and family. There is the potential for communication. For listening and respect, without the imposition of your own sense of being correct.</p><p></p><p>I see this as an issue of taking responsibility. Your wife is acting from responsibility to herself and to her child. She may feel that you are acting from your own self-interest, I do not know.</p><p></p><p>In your situation, it is you who has to choose. However objectively wrong you believe your wife to be, however out of order you believe the conduct of her son to be, she cannot be forced to act in a way that she is unprepared to do. To pressure her to do so, would only make it harder for her.</p><p></p><p>The ball is in your court, so to speak. Like for all of the rest of us. There are decisions to be made. Often (usually) they are not easy.</p><p></p><p>Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704903, member: 18958"] This is the bottom line as I see it, too. You find yourself as the odd-man out. You say your wife wanted therapy, but you see her as not following through. But it sounds like you may be resistant, too. That there is warfare rather than compromise. In a relationship there is seldom one side more right. Both people matter. Your wife seems unwilling or unable to deal with her son in the way that you want. As I see it, you have a choice here: you can blame her; you can try to understand and work with her; or you can leave. Many of us have children who overuse marijuana. Your step-son works, this is good. I will not and cannot justify his behavior or advocate for him, but many of us have worse, and our spouses or partners work with us as a team. They take on our responsibilities as their own to share. They care deeply about our children who are not their own. If you cannot find this position in your own marriage, it may be the marriage that is being sacrificed. It may be that your wife already sees this. And perhaps, you may have reached this point too. It seems to me that you may be taking a power position towards her and implicitly telling her: [I]My way is better. [/I] And that may why she is tuning you out. She has heard you already. She has made her choice. This is clearly [I]your view.[/I] But there are other views and vantage points. Other philosophies and ways of thinking that have merit. For example, the book you reference takes a very hard line. Some reviews question its suitability for families where they may be acting out, but no hard drugs or criminal behavior. There is a spectrum of possibilities--which are all viable. Most of us, mothers of sons have found ourselves here. We feel caught between rocks and hard places. We do not want to eject our sons. And our sons, too, need their mothers. They are struggling against, but needing to be adult men. For some of them it is harder, way harder than others. It can be because of emotional problems, experiencing divorce, single mothers, etcetera. But these kids cannot be compared, fairly, to other kids who have not had these issues. No matter how many people or sources, or books or experts, you can get to line up on your side, your wife, this young man's mother is entitled (even obligated) to do what she feels is the right thing to do for her child. She is obligated to act from what she believes. To keep trying to erode her position would seem to undermine your relationship, your marriage and your family, more. You have a choice here: To leave the marriage or to decide to stay and to support your marriage, your wife and family. There is the potential for communication. For listening and respect, without the imposition of your own sense of being correct. I see this as an issue of taking responsibility. Your wife is acting from responsibility to herself and to her child. She may feel that you are acting from your own self-interest, I do not know. In your situation, it is you who has to choose. However objectively wrong you believe your wife to be, however out of order you believe the conduct of her son to be, she cannot be forced to act in a way that she is unprepared to do. To pressure her to do so, would only make it harder for her. The ball is in your court, so to speak. Like for all of the rest of us. There are decisions to be made. Often (usually) they are not easy. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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