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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 704986" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Yangstein, sometimes our words come across more harshly than we intend, it is the nature of a public board like this. We can feel judged and criticized (and believe me I have felt it too!) however, each one of us brings all of our experiences and our feelings to the party, and we as 'listeners' to others points of view have to recognize that and do our best to not take it personally. We're really all doing the best we can with horrific issues most parents never ever have to face.......</p><p></p><p>You don't need to justify your actions or your choices, it's pretty clear how much you love your wife and how committed you are to your family. You're facing some monumental changes in your life, however you decide to move forward......it is a very, very difficult place to be. I have to say that feeling "trapped" and "hopeless" are the hardest for me to feel too......I empathize with you.</p><p></p><p>I hear how terrible it is for you right now........there doesn't seem to be a way out.......the decision making part is always the toughest part.......once we make any decision we're then engaged and on the move......but the part before where we agonize over all of it can be treacherous.</p><p></p><p>You may want to sit your wife down and share all of your feelings with her. Not in an angry way, to let her know how hurt and sad and stuck and trapped and hopeless you feel. That you miss the love and joy you once had in your family. Put all your cards on the table and tell her your truth...... that you are dying on the vine with the way things are and something has got to change for you to feel as if you are a valued member of the family and that you matter. She may not know how you really feel. Perhaps if she hears your deep feelings, it will allow her to see how much you are alienated and how much you are suffering. You might consider doing that in a therapy session if that would make it easier for you to have a third party to support you in saying what you need to say. Sometimes the truth can open the doors for a new option. Sometimes the truth will let us know there are no real options here and then we are clear we are at a choice point.</p><p></p><p>You're posting here, reading books we recommended, seeking support on many levels to try to figure out what to do next, exactly what I did when my life was off the rails because of my daughter.......<em>you're doing all you can.</em>.........and until you make whatever choice you make, it is probably going to continue to feel crummy. You're in the in-between place where you know "something" has to change, but how do you get there? I hate that place. I struggled through that for awhile with my daughter before clarity emerged.........keep doing what you're doing......you'll get there.....now may not be a time of action, but of pondering all of it and looking for a fresh perspective......and sitting in that level of uncertainty is not a place we humans do well in.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 704986, member: 13542"] Yangstein, sometimes our words come across more harshly than we intend, it is the nature of a public board like this. We can feel judged and criticized (and believe me I have felt it too!) however, each one of us brings all of our experiences and our feelings to the party, and we as 'listeners' to others points of view have to recognize that and do our best to not take it personally. We're really all doing the best we can with horrific issues most parents never ever have to face....... You don't need to justify your actions or your choices, it's pretty clear how much you love your wife and how committed you are to your family. You're facing some monumental changes in your life, however you decide to move forward......it is a very, very difficult place to be. I have to say that feeling "trapped" and "hopeless" are the hardest for me to feel too......I empathize with you. I hear how terrible it is for you right now........there doesn't seem to be a way out.......the decision making part is always the toughest part.......once we make any decision we're then engaged and on the move......but the part before where we agonize over all of it can be treacherous. You may want to sit your wife down and share all of your feelings with her. Not in an angry way, to let her know how hurt and sad and stuck and trapped and hopeless you feel. That you miss the love and joy you once had in your family. Put all your cards on the table and tell her your truth...... that you are dying on the vine with the way things are and something has got to change for you to feel as if you are a valued member of the family and that you matter. She may not know how you really feel. Perhaps if she hears your deep feelings, it will allow her to see how much you are alienated and how much you are suffering. You might consider doing that in a therapy session if that would make it easier for you to have a third party to support you in saying what you need to say. Sometimes the truth can open the doors for a new option. Sometimes the truth will let us know there are no real options here and then we are clear we are at a choice point. You're posting here, reading books we recommended, seeking support on many levels to try to figure out what to do next, exactly what I did when my life was off the rails because of my daughter.......[I]you're doing all you can.[/I].........and until you make whatever choice you make, it is probably going to continue to feel crummy. You're in the in-between place where you know "something" has to change, but how do you get there? I hate that place. I struggled through that for awhile with my daughter before clarity emerged.........keep doing what you're doing......you'll get there.....now may not be a time of action, but of pondering all of it and looking for a fresh perspective......and sitting in that level of uncertainty is not a place we humans do well in. [/QUOTE]
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