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General Parenting
newcomer dec 2011
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 498500" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>The other interesting thing is that these kids will vary what they dish back, according to the different way each other person handles them. So with us, for example, because husband always tried to be the strict disciplinarian Dad, difficult child 3 really clashes with him even now that husband tries really hard to be the model of Ross Greene philosophy. Unfortunately, husband can't hold to it constantly and if caught unawares or if tired, he reverts to "Because I said so!" and shouts, which undoes all the hard work he's put in. And it is most unfair for husband, that I CAN at times shout at difficult child 3 without him saying he hates me forever. </p><p></p><p>This does make it more difficult at times, with me trying to be peacemaker and also trying to soothe husband's hurt feelings. Sometimes there is harmony between them, but mostly there is more resentment. In vain do I explain to difficult child 3 how much alike he and his dad are.</p><p></p><p>Ironically, difficult child 3 does tend to hold it together for mother in law even though her discipline is very inconsistent and involves teasing followed by "I was only joking." A form of parenting I have always abhorred. No wonder husband is still struggling with the right way to parent - we learn from the way we were raised, and I personally observed the latter stages of husband's upbringing and was at times horrified. Not that my mother was perfect - she used emotional blackmail with devastating effect at times. However, she was consistent, firm and in her own way, loving. Just not very demonstrative with it. I also had the privilege of observing my mother get amazing results from problem kids in our local church choir. I especially remember seeing one such "Rake's Progress" in reverse and ever after, I aspired to be like my mother. I know that if my mother were still alive, she would command the utmost love and respect from difficult child 3. mother in law, he tolerates, loves her in his own way but he is wary of her too. He knows to guard himself well when he is around her and so is able to withstand her jibes most of the time. I suspect he limits his time around her, however, to amounts that he CAN tolerate without exploding.</p><p></p><p>Humour is the best way to defuse any situation. Also, avoiding blame where possible. Natural consequences are much easier to teach and also more logical. "You didn't come to the table when you were called so now your dinner is cold." Natural consequence. Too often when something goes wrong, we have actually taught our children to look for someone to blame. We do this as parents, partly in our attempts to teach natural consequences, but we then try to drive the lesson home hard and do a lot more damage than good. Trying to un-teach blame is difficult and time-consuming but worth it. You will also find as you embark on this, that you learn more about yourself than you feel comfortable with. I never realised how much I blame other people, until I tried to teach my kids to accept fate and move on.</p><p></p><p>Old habits die hard. Even harder for a difficult child. And a difficult child adult - don't expect too much change, but expect to have to adapt.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 498500, member: 1991"] The other interesting thing is that these kids will vary what they dish back, according to the different way each other person handles them. So with us, for example, because husband always tried to be the strict disciplinarian Dad, difficult child 3 really clashes with him even now that husband tries really hard to be the model of Ross Greene philosophy. Unfortunately, husband can't hold to it constantly and if caught unawares or if tired, he reverts to "Because I said so!" and shouts, which undoes all the hard work he's put in. And it is most unfair for husband, that I CAN at times shout at difficult child 3 without him saying he hates me forever. This does make it more difficult at times, with me trying to be peacemaker and also trying to soothe husband's hurt feelings. Sometimes there is harmony between them, but mostly there is more resentment. In vain do I explain to difficult child 3 how much alike he and his dad are. Ironically, difficult child 3 does tend to hold it together for mother in law even though her discipline is very inconsistent and involves teasing followed by "I was only joking." A form of parenting I have always abhorred. No wonder husband is still struggling with the right way to parent - we learn from the way we were raised, and I personally observed the latter stages of husband's upbringing and was at times horrified. Not that my mother was perfect - she used emotional blackmail with devastating effect at times. However, she was consistent, firm and in her own way, loving. Just not very demonstrative with it. I also had the privilege of observing my mother get amazing results from problem kids in our local church choir. I especially remember seeing one such "Rake's Progress" in reverse and ever after, I aspired to be like my mother. I know that if my mother were still alive, she would command the utmost love and respect from difficult child 3. mother in law, he tolerates, loves her in his own way but he is wary of her too. He knows to guard himself well when he is around her and so is able to withstand her jibes most of the time. I suspect he limits his time around her, however, to amounts that he CAN tolerate without exploding. Humour is the best way to defuse any situation. Also, avoiding blame where possible. Natural consequences are much easier to teach and also more logical. "You didn't come to the table when you were called so now your dinner is cold." Natural consequence. Too often when something goes wrong, we have actually taught our children to look for someone to blame. We do this as parents, partly in our attempts to teach natural consequences, but we then try to drive the lesson home hard and do a lot more damage than good. Trying to un-teach blame is difficult and time-consuming but worth it. You will also find as you embark on this, that you learn more about yourself than you feel comfortable with. I never realised how much I blame other people, until I tried to teach my kids to accept fate and move on. Old habits die hard. Even harder for a difficult child. And a difficult child adult - don't expect too much change, but expect to have to adapt. Marg [/QUOTE]
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