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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 678493" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>If I were strong enough to do it, I would stay no contact. I feel badly for you, that you are being required to make such awful choices. I applaud your strength in having made them. It helps me ~ sometimes it helps me ~ to remember that with our troubled kids there are times when there is no good outcome. Times when every choice has its own set of horrific and mostly unforeseen consequences. It is best then, to know what it is we are buying with our words or our money. We need to be wise. We need to be loving and kind for our own sakes, so that we don't become bitter, but we need to be very wise, and very careful.</p><p></p><p>Your son already knows you love him.</p><p></p><p>He already knows why you have decided as you have regarding bail and supervised release.</p><p></p><p>So, there is nothing to say in a letter (or a visit) that will not be used to manipulate and weaken you in future. I am the only one who says this and I have no knowledge or authority at all. But I have been through some awful things, too. As the others of us have posted to you too, Kalahou, though the person you are instinctually driven to care for is your son (no matter how old he is), the people you need to take care of and cherish and see rested and well-nourished are yourself and your D H.</p><p></p><p>I think it would be good to drive away somewhere for the weekend. Create a time out of time for yourselves to examine and incorporate what this new thing that has happened to your son means. It helped us to set aside a time at the end of the day when we knew whatever needed saying would be said. Then, the rest of the day was ours. It was our way of setting a time frame for addressing hurtful, even toxic, questions and feelings. </p><p></p><p>That is how our tradition of Happy Hour was begun.</p><p></p><p>We are still married.</p><p></p><p>It has been over forty years.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>When I am being especially hard on myself, I can find where I am self-sabotaging if I look for it. We punish ourselves in secret ways when our children suffer. So, we have to be aware of this.</p><p></p><p>Practicing gratitude for all that I do have helps me.</p><p></p><p>Posting here helps me very much.</p><p></p><p>Journaling, so I know what I really think. They say (in the Artist's Way at Work) that if we journal three Morning Pages every morning ~ just chain of consciousness, and we need to do three pages, top to bottom, every morning, for it to work ~ that if we do that, we will be better able to keep our minds clear of things that don't matter. Like guilt. Like regret or that forever place where we pick ourselves apart because our children suffer and we blame ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Ha! I am writing a novel again. Done Dad was right.</p><p></p><p>But I think you should maintain silence for now, Kalahou. Unless you feel a need to make something clear, <em>do nothing for now. </em>The real truth is there is nothing you can do. Give yourself the grace of this day. Wait to see what happens next. When there is something you can do, you will know.</p><p></p><p>I wish we could all be there in person instantaneously somehow when one of us is facing these times when the minutes last forever and sleep is a hard thing. To know we are not alone with the painful, neverending questions matters. Just knowing you all were out there could help me, sometimes.</p><p></p><p>You are doing the right thing.</p><p></p><p>When the time comes to do something different, you will know.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you need to do, right now.</p><p></p><p>Remember to say The Serenity Prayer in the night when you awaken so worried and cannot go back to sleep. That helped me.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change</em></p><p><em>the Courage to change the things I can</em></p><p><em>and the Wisdom to know the difference. </em></p><p></p><p>We are here, all of us, Kalahou.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 678493, member: 17461"] If I were strong enough to do it, I would stay no contact. I feel badly for you, that you are being required to make such awful choices. I applaud your strength in having made them. It helps me ~ sometimes it helps me ~ to remember that with our troubled kids there are times when there is no good outcome. Times when every choice has its own set of horrific and mostly unforeseen consequences. It is best then, to know what it is we are buying with our words or our money. We need to be wise. We need to be loving and kind for our own sakes, so that we don't become bitter, but we need to be very wise, and very careful. Your son already knows you love him. He already knows why you have decided as you have regarding bail and supervised release. So, there is nothing to say in a letter (or a visit) that will not be used to manipulate and weaken you in future. I am the only one who says this and I have no knowledge or authority at all. But I have been through some awful things, too. As the others of us have posted to you too, Kalahou, though the person you are instinctually driven to care for is your son (no matter how old he is), the people you need to take care of and cherish and see rested and well-nourished are yourself and your D H. I think it would be good to drive away somewhere for the weekend. Create a time out of time for yourselves to examine and incorporate what this new thing that has happened to your son means. It helped us to set aside a time at the end of the day when we knew whatever needed saying would be said. Then, the rest of the day was ours. It was our way of setting a time frame for addressing hurtful, even toxic, questions and feelings. That is how our tradition of Happy Hour was begun. We are still married. It has been over forty years. *** When I am being especially hard on myself, I can find where I am self-sabotaging if I look for it. We punish ourselves in secret ways when our children suffer. So, we have to be aware of this. Practicing gratitude for all that I do have helps me. Posting here helps me very much. Journaling, so I know what I really think. They say (in the Artist's Way at Work) that if we journal three Morning Pages every morning ~ just chain of consciousness, and we need to do three pages, top to bottom, every morning, for it to work ~ that if we do that, we will be better able to keep our minds clear of things that don't matter. Like guilt. Like regret or that forever place where we pick ourselves apart because our children suffer and we blame ourselves. Ha! I am writing a novel again. Done Dad was right. But I think you should maintain silence for now, Kalahou. Unless you feel a need to make something clear, [I]do nothing for now. [/I]The real truth is there is nothing you can do. Give yourself the grace of this day. Wait to see what happens next. When there is something you can do, you will know. I wish we could all be there in person instantaneously somehow when one of us is facing these times when the minutes last forever and sleep is a hard thing. To know we are not alone with the painful, neverending questions matters. Just knowing you all were out there could help me, sometimes. You are doing the right thing. When the time comes to do something different, you will know. There is nothing you need to do, right now. Remember to say The Serenity Prayer in the night when you awaken so worried and cannot go back to sleep. That helped me. [I] God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference. [/I] We are here, all of us, Kalahou. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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