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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 680369" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh Kalahou, your post could have been my post, so many many times. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, yes, Difficult Child did this and also wanted me to call people and have them bail him out or just give them $50 more and he could be bailed out...call this bail bondsman, that one...on and on. It literally made me sick to my stomach, how hard he would work to get out of jail, but never work hard to do the right things. I didn't do any of it, and I was sick about that too. Just ignoring my own son in his desperation. All of this does something to us. Something profound. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, like Sister's Keeper says, they play cards and read and sleep and a couple of times Difficult Child was in the workhouse where he would go out and pick up trash from the sides of the road. He would use his commissary account to gamble when he played cards. Once I found that out, I stopped putting money on it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, yes, there are many ways he can start new. And I can guarantee that whatever ways you and I think of...it won't be that way. It will be their way to start anew and it will be very very hard. Like I have posted before, Difficult Child got a job first and still had nowhere to live. He slept on a bench outside the homeless day shelter and got up at 2 a.m. and walked to work at McDonald's to be there at 4 a.m. He did this for several months, day in and day out. Once we saw this, and that he kept the job, then we helped him get into an apartment. But we weren't the first to help him. Some homeless advocates in town here were the ones who helped him first. </p><p></p><p>It is going to come from other people in ways we can't think of. That is truly how it needs to happen, I believe. Not from Mom and Dad. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>He knows that. Deep in his heart, he knows that. You don't have to tell him again, but if you want to, why not write him a postcard every week. Say what you want to say, and then...be done with it for that week. That was calming for me, while he was in jail. Writing to him. I tried to say loving things. At the beginning I lectured a lot, but you know, I needed to say those things. Those postcards were for me as much as they were for him. Talking to him on the phone was always upsetting because he always had an angle and was always trying to get me to do something and my mind would dart around like a rat in a cage, trying to figure out, should I do this? What should I do? I was a wreck by the time I hung up the phone every time. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Kalahou, anything can happen at any time. He has choices. He can make a choice in jail today to change and then there are ways in jail that he can work on himself to change. He doesn't have to be out of jail to change. In our county jail here, there are many programs. They announce AA a few times a week and there are churches and nonprofits who go into the jails and work with the inmates. Call and find out what programs they have there if that will help you rest your mind. Our DCS have choices every single minute of every single day. They can change. They have to want it and then they have to do it. And it is hard hard work. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I used to feel sick when I would see Difficult Child walking around town, but at the same time I would be glad to see him as I would know he was alive. This is the hardest stuff in the world to bear for us, we Warrior Moms. </p><p></p><p>Now, today, I try to see it like this: My son had to walk this path for his own life. This is his journey. I cannot ever understand it, but it is his to own and walk. My Higher Power has always, always been right here, beside him, waiting for my Difficult Child to turn to him and ask for the help that only he can give. Has he done it? I have no idea. I used to talk and talk and talk about God to my Difficult Child and I'm sure that irritated the heck out of him (lol). I finally had to stop talking, after 10 years of trying to talk some sense into him. It never did work. It gave me peace to let my son go to my Higher Power (over and over and over again). I cannot do this. I am powerless. Owning my own powerlessness was such a relief finally. My love for my son was not going to save him. That knowledge brought me to my knees literally and figuratively but that is where I could start working on my own self and my own changing that I needed to do. </p><p></p><p>The grief continued for a long time, but it was tempered with more and more better days and periods of time after that. As I worked on me, I started feeling happy again. He was still doing very badly for a long time during this phase. And I would backslide or fail to progress for a while, but that's okay. I was walking my own journey as well. </p><p></p><p>Your post really touched me. I can almost literally feel the feelings you expressed and please know, there are many of us who have been right there. There is hope. I promise you. There is hope for you and for him.</p><p></p><p>Warm warm hugs this morning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 680369, member: 17542"] Oh Kalahou, your post could have been my post, so many many times. Oh, yes, Difficult Child did this and also wanted me to call people and have them bail him out or just give them $50 more and he could be bailed out...call this bail bondsman, that one...on and on. It literally made me sick to my stomach, how hard he would work to get out of jail, but never work hard to do the right things. I didn't do any of it, and I was sick about that too. Just ignoring my own son in his desperation. All of this does something to us. Something profound. Yes, like Sister's Keeper says, they play cards and read and sleep and a couple of times Difficult Child was in the workhouse where he would go out and pick up trash from the sides of the road. He would use his commissary account to gamble when he played cards. Once I found that out, I stopped putting money on it. Oh, yes, there are many ways he can start new. And I can guarantee that whatever ways you and I think of...it won't be that way. It will be their way to start anew and it will be very very hard. Like I have posted before, Difficult Child got a job first and still had nowhere to live. He slept on a bench outside the homeless day shelter and got up at 2 a.m. and walked to work at McDonald's to be there at 4 a.m. He did this for several months, day in and day out. Once we saw this, and that he kept the job, then we helped him get into an apartment. But we weren't the first to help him. Some homeless advocates in town here were the ones who helped him first. It is going to come from other people in ways we can't think of. That is truly how it needs to happen, I believe. Not from Mom and Dad. He knows that. Deep in his heart, he knows that. You don't have to tell him again, but if you want to, why not write him a postcard every week. Say what you want to say, and then...be done with it for that week. That was calming for me, while he was in jail. Writing to him. I tried to say loving things. At the beginning I lectured a lot, but you know, I needed to say those things. Those postcards were for me as much as they were for him. Talking to him on the phone was always upsetting because he always had an angle and was always trying to get me to do something and my mind would dart around like a rat in a cage, trying to figure out, should I do this? What should I do? I was a wreck by the time I hung up the phone every time. Kalahou, anything can happen at any time. He has choices. He can make a choice in jail today to change and then there are ways in jail that he can work on himself to change. He doesn't have to be out of jail to change. In our county jail here, there are many programs. They announce AA a few times a week and there are churches and nonprofits who go into the jails and work with the inmates. Call and find out what programs they have there if that will help you rest your mind. Our DCS have choices every single minute of every single day. They can change. They have to want it and then they have to do it. And it is hard hard work. I used to feel sick when I would see Difficult Child walking around town, but at the same time I would be glad to see him as I would know he was alive. This is the hardest stuff in the world to bear for us, we Warrior Moms. Now, today, I try to see it like this: My son had to walk this path for his own life. This is his journey. I cannot ever understand it, but it is his to own and walk. My Higher Power has always, always been right here, beside him, waiting for my Difficult Child to turn to him and ask for the help that only he can give. Has he done it? I have no idea. I used to talk and talk and talk about God to my Difficult Child and I'm sure that irritated the heck out of him (lol). I finally had to stop talking, after 10 years of trying to talk some sense into him. It never did work. It gave me peace to let my son go to my Higher Power (over and over and over again). I cannot do this. I am powerless. Owning my own powerlessness was such a relief finally. My love for my son was not going to save him. That knowledge brought me to my knees literally and figuratively but that is where I could start working on my own self and my own changing that I needed to do. The grief continued for a long time, but it was tempered with more and more better days and periods of time after that. As I worked on me, I started feeling happy again. He was still doing very badly for a long time during this phase. And I would backslide or fail to progress for a while, but that's okay. I was walking my own journey as well. Your post really touched me. I can almost literally feel the feelings you expressed and please know, there are many of us who have been right there. There is hope. I promise you. There is hope for you and for him. Warm warm hugs this morning. [/QUOTE]
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