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No changes, which is surprisingly hard all on its own!
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 648454" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>It's good to see you ECHO, I've missed you on the board. Thank you for the update, I've been wondering about you for awhile.</p><p></p><p>I can understand the depression and all the feelings that swirl around us on birthdays........it's a lot to take in. No matter how you slice it, this path is probably the most difficult thing any of us will ever have to do. I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time. I hope some of the warm responses you've received offers you comfort and some solace.</p><p></p><p>I recall feeling what you're feeling, not very long ago. As everyone has said, this is clearly a process, one which doesn't have a reasonable trajectory, it just doesn't go up and up and you feel better incrementally. It goes up and down and sideways, there isn't too much to hold onto along the way. It is as COM said, an opportunity to learn to live in dramatic uncertainty, which, lets face it, we humans aren't too good at that. Especially around our kids and our dreams and expectations for them.</p><p></p><p>My journey through this shifted very dramatically in August when my daughter missed a probation appointment and a warrant was issued for her arrest. I was distraught. For 2 weeks I was angry, disappointed, sad, all the usual feelings I had become accustomed to. Then I saw her, we met in a parking lot, she drove up as a passenger in a truck. When I saw her, for whatever reason, all of those feelings dissipated and I just hugged her. She looked so bummed out and so thin. All my thoughts stopped, except for my love for her. I just listened to her. I said nothing. She left. I got in the car with my husband and I said, "I am not going to judge her anymore." And, here's the weird part, I didn't.</p><p></p><p>That decision changed a lot for me. I stopped having any expectations of her to live a certain way. I stopped talking about her and thinking about her as doing things that I didn't like, but as someone deserving of acceptance exactly the way she was. I didn't agree with her choices and her lifestyle, but I realized it was hers to live the way she wanted and I did not have a right to expect her to live the way I thought she should. That expectation hurt me and hurt her. Then, she began changing. I can't say it is because of my not judging her, but she was so visibly calm and different that others began noticing too.</p><p></p><p>She continues to live the same life. Her life. She continues to be calm and our relationship has shifted and changed. She is still out there in her world. She is okay. I think she very much needed my acceptance. I know I very much needed to accept. I am okay. I am more than okay, I am actually very good. I accepted her and stopped judging and expecting things to be different then they are. As Eckhart Tolle says, "argue with reality and you suffer." This is my reality. In October I began listening to a lot of CD's and watching a lot of videos by Tolle, whose major thrust is to live in the present and stay present enough to stop the relentless thinking we do about the past and the future. I can't even explain how much that helped me. I still listen to his CD's every time I'm in the car.</p><p></p><p>I didn't want to suffer anymore. I've had many challenges, many hurts, but I made a conscious choice to change. Something Tolle said on one CD was, "We change when we decide we have suffered enough." Well, I suffered enough. It was a profound internal shift to decide to stop judging and to decide to stop suffering.</p><p></p><p>It all goes together for me, the staying in the present moment, the choice to stop suffering, the letting go of judgement of my daughter and the letting go of expectations of her..........it all came together and catapulted me out of that painful place. Like you I just didn't think it was EVER going to go away. But, it did. I just don't feel it anymore. Oh on occasion I have pangs, but they are really few and far between. It is what it is. There is nothing more I can do. Whatever happens, I trust myself to be able to handle it THEN.</p><p></p><p>My whole world opened up. No one was more surprised than me.</p><p></p><p>That is <em>my</em> path, I am not advocating it or even suggesting I am right. This is merely my journey.</p><p></p><p>Sending big hugs and very warm wishes for your serenity and peace ECHO........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 648454, member: 13542"] It's good to see you ECHO, I've missed you on the board. Thank you for the update, I've been wondering about you for awhile. I can understand the depression and all the feelings that swirl around us on birthdays........it's a lot to take in. No matter how you slice it, this path is probably the most difficult thing any of us will ever have to do. I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time. I hope some of the warm responses you've received offers you comfort and some solace. I recall feeling what you're feeling, not very long ago. As everyone has said, this is clearly a process, one which doesn't have a reasonable trajectory, it just doesn't go up and up and you feel better incrementally. It goes up and down and sideways, there isn't too much to hold onto along the way. It is as COM said, an opportunity to learn to live in dramatic uncertainty, which, lets face it, we humans aren't too good at that. Especially around our kids and our dreams and expectations for them. My journey through this shifted very dramatically in August when my daughter missed a probation appointment and a warrant was issued for her arrest. I was distraught. For 2 weeks I was angry, disappointed, sad, all the usual feelings I had become accustomed to. Then I saw her, we met in a parking lot, she drove up as a passenger in a truck. When I saw her, for whatever reason, all of those feelings dissipated and I just hugged her. She looked so bummed out and so thin. All my thoughts stopped, except for my love for her. I just listened to her. I said nothing. She left. I got in the car with my husband and I said, "I am not going to judge her anymore." And, here's the weird part, I didn't. That decision changed a lot for me. I stopped having any expectations of her to live a certain way. I stopped talking about her and thinking about her as doing things that I didn't like, but as someone deserving of acceptance exactly the way she was. I didn't agree with her choices and her lifestyle, but I realized it was hers to live the way she wanted and I did not have a right to expect her to live the way I thought she should. That expectation hurt me and hurt her. Then, she began changing. I can't say it is because of my not judging her, but she was so visibly calm and different that others began noticing too. She continues to live the same life. Her life. She continues to be calm and our relationship has shifted and changed. She is still out there in her world. She is okay. I think she very much needed my acceptance. I know I very much needed to accept. I am okay. I am more than okay, I am actually very good. I accepted her and stopped judging and expecting things to be different then they are. As Eckhart Tolle says, "argue with reality and you suffer." This is my reality. In October I began listening to a lot of CD's and watching a lot of videos by Tolle, whose major thrust is to live in the present and stay present enough to stop the relentless thinking we do about the past and the future. I can't even explain how much that helped me. I still listen to his CD's every time I'm in the car. I didn't want to suffer anymore. I've had many challenges, many hurts, but I made a conscious choice to change. Something Tolle said on one CD was, "We change when we decide we have suffered enough." Well, I suffered enough. It was a profound internal shift to decide to stop judging and to decide to stop suffering. It all goes together for me, the staying in the present moment, the choice to stop suffering, the letting go of judgement of my daughter and the letting go of expectations of her..........it all came together and catapulted me out of that painful place. Like you I just didn't think it was EVER going to go away. But, it did. I just don't feel it anymore. Oh on occasion I have pangs, but they are really few and far between. It is what it is. There is nothing more I can do. Whatever happens, I trust myself to be able to handle it THEN. My whole world opened up. No one was more surprised than me. That is [I]my[/I] path, I am not advocating it or even suggesting I am right. This is merely my journey. Sending big hugs and very warm wishes for your serenity and peace ECHO........ [/QUOTE]
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