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No clue how to save my adult son
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 736770" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome! I'm so sorry for your heartache. I'm glad you found us here.</p><p></p><p>In order for your son to be properly diagnosed he will have to be clean from drugs and alcohol as they alter ones moods. Much of what you have described in your sons behavior may very well be just from the drugs and alcohol.</p><p></p><p>I know how painful it is to watch your sons life spiral out of control as I have lived it.</p><p></p><p>My suggestion to you is your first priority needs to be the safety of you and your other son. If you do not have a therapist/counselor for yourself then get one. I also suggest you attend some Al-Anon meetings. While this site is a huge help and a great place to come for support, there is something very solid about having people physically close that know what you are going through. Sometimes you need to attend a few different meetings to find a group you are comfortable with.</p><p></p><p>Now the really hard part. You cannot save your son. Your son has to want to make changes for himself. I know when you look at him you still see your little boy. I too used to look at my son the same way. I had to start seeing him for the adult man he became. It's much easier for our brains and emotions to hold on tightly to the little child, the one who was easy and loving than it is to see the difficult adult they have turned into.</p><p></p><p>If you still feel that your son can live with you then I suggest setting some firm boundaries. The thing about boundaries, they are only as good as we hold true to them and that takes strength. Nothing sends a quicker message that you can be manipulated than not following through. If you make it a condition that your son has to see a therapist in order to live with you or he has to leave, then you have to be willing to follow through with that.</p><p></p><p>Dealing with a difficult adult child is one of the hardest things a parent can experience but there can be life on the other side of this. You still have another son that needs you and your attention. You also need to guard your health.</p><p></p><p>I've been on this journey with my son for close to 25 years. I can tell you that I was once in a place of total despair. I now live my life for myself and have a happy and fulfilled life. I will always love my son but I will no longer allow him to hold my emotions hostage or to have my life revolve around his chaos.</p><p></p><p>Please keep posting. We are always here for each other.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 736770, member: 18516"] Welcome! I'm so sorry for your heartache. I'm glad you found us here. In order for your son to be properly diagnosed he will have to be clean from drugs and alcohol as they alter ones moods. Much of what you have described in your sons behavior may very well be just from the drugs and alcohol. I know how painful it is to watch your sons life spiral out of control as I have lived it. My suggestion to you is your first priority needs to be the safety of you and your other son. If you do not have a therapist/counselor for yourself then get one. I also suggest you attend some Al-Anon meetings. While this site is a huge help and a great place to come for support, there is something very solid about having people physically close that know what you are going through. Sometimes you need to attend a few different meetings to find a group you are comfortable with. Now the really hard part. You cannot save your son. Your son has to want to make changes for himself. I know when you look at him you still see your little boy. I too used to look at my son the same way. I had to start seeing him for the adult man he became. It's much easier for our brains and emotions to hold on tightly to the little child, the one who was easy and loving than it is to see the difficult adult they have turned into. If you still feel that your son can live with you then I suggest setting some firm boundaries. The thing about boundaries, they are only as good as we hold true to them and that takes strength. Nothing sends a quicker message that you can be manipulated than not following through. If you make it a condition that your son has to see a therapist in order to live with you or he has to leave, then you have to be willing to follow through with that. Dealing with a difficult adult child is one of the hardest things a parent can experience but there can be life on the other side of this. You still have another son that needs you and your attention. You also need to guard your health. I've been on this journey with my son for close to 25 years. I can tell you that I was once in a place of total despair. I now live my life for myself and have a happy and fulfilled life. I will always love my son but I will no longer allow him to hold my emotions hostage or to have my life revolve around his chaos. Please keep posting. We are always here for each other. ((HUGS)) [/QUOTE]
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