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General Parenting
No good, very bad, horrible day...
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<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 447075" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>The medical appointments are not something that I will reward him for - they are just a part of his life. </p><p></p><p>Rewards work fine when your child doesn't have life-long serious chronic illnesses. When you are talking many, many appointments with many different doctors over many years - rewards eventually backfire because they send the wrong message. The reward he gets for going and taking his medications, etc is good health - or at least better than he would otherwise have. And, sadly, having to go see doctors and take medications and undergo invasive procedures is a "normal" part of life for him and we have to treat it that way as a general rule.</p><p></p><p>It's not that we don't acknowledge that he's gotten the short of the health stick in this life. But if you make too big a deal of things - then they are harder to do, not easier.</p><p></p><p>That is a tough lesson to understand when you are first learning the ropes as the parent of a child with a serious chronic illness. The idea is that you show confidence in the child's ability to handle whatever he has to handle, reassuring him that he can handle things by your show of confidence. It's a fine line to walk but if you keep in mind that your child will be an adult and still coping with these things - that's the person you are raising, if you know what I mean.</p><p></p><p>But you have a good point. If he will talk about it perhaps there is something that would make it easier for him next time that can be done ahead of time.</p><p></p><p>One of the biggest barriers to this with my son is that despite the fact that he's 15 functionally he's more like 10. And he often doesn't know what will make it easier or can't convey that information.</p><p></p><p>He has been agitated like this every night around 11pm for the past couple of weeks. Every night it's something different. It's because he's anticipating the next day and, in a very mal-adaptive way, is trying to make sure that he's going to get what he wants the next day by bringing it up and forcing us to agree that he will get it.</p><p></p><p>Since his perception of his behavior and the effect it has on others is so distorted, he doesn't see that doing this is backfiring. and you can't explain it to him - because, in his eyes, he's not doing anything "wrong" and isn't being intimidating or threatening or shouting - you get the picture.</p><p></p><p>In this case, he was trying to make sure he was going to get his Xbox time and he decided the only way to ensure he got it was to refuse to go to the appointment.</p><p></p><p>Things are very black/white with him and he won't or can't usually attempt to negotiate or even ask for what he wants. Instead he starts with shouting and intimidation.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for the input.</p><p></p><p>Jean - thanks for the beads and drums. I'm sure it will all work out somehow - I just don't know what it will look like.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 447075, member: 11920"] The medical appointments are not something that I will reward him for - they are just a part of his life. Rewards work fine when your child doesn't have life-long serious chronic illnesses. When you are talking many, many appointments with many different doctors over many years - rewards eventually backfire because they send the wrong message. The reward he gets for going and taking his medications, etc is good health - or at least better than he would otherwise have. And, sadly, having to go see doctors and take medications and undergo invasive procedures is a "normal" part of life for him and we have to treat it that way as a general rule. It's not that we don't acknowledge that he's gotten the short of the health stick in this life. But if you make too big a deal of things - then they are harder to do, not easier. That is a tough lesson to understand when you are first learning the ropes as the parent of a child with a serious chronic illness. The idea is that you show confidence in the child's ability to handle whatever he has to handle, reassuring him that he can handle things by your show of confidence. It's a fine line to walk but if you keep in mind that your child will be an adult and still coping with these things - that's the person you are raising, if you know what I mean. But you have a good point. If he will talk about it perhaps there is something that would make it easier for him next time that can be done ahead of time. One of the biggest barriers to this with my son is that despite the fact that he's 15 functionally he's more like 10. And he often doesn't know what will make it easier or can't convey that information. He has been agitated like this every night around 11pm for the past couple of weeks. Every night it's something different. It's because he's anticipating the next day and, in a very mal-adaptive way, is trying to make sure that he's going to get what he wants the next day by bringing it up and forcing us to agree that he will get it. Since his perception of his behavior and the effect it has on others is so distorted, he doesn't see that doing this is backfiring. and you can't explain it to him - because, in his eyes, he's not doing anything "wrong" and isn't being intimidating or threatening or shouting - you get the picture. In this case, he was trying to make sure he was going to get his Xbox time and he decided the only way to ensure he got it was to refuse to go to the appointment. Things are very black/white with him and he won't or can't usually attempt to negotiate or even ask for what he wants. Instead he starts with shouting and intimidation. Thanks for the input. Jean - thanks for the beads and drums. I'm sure it will all work out somehow - I just don't know what it will look like. [/QUOTE]
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