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Not Comfortable with Family Therapist given my instincts about my son...
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<blockquote data-quote="Sam3" data-source="post: 671042" data-attributes="member: 19290"><p>Thanks for your responses.</p><p></p><p>I am struggling with this as yet another incarnation of the question, "what does healthy parenting look like?" I have read a bunch of books that have helped to identify the hallmarks of unhealthy parenting in myself, have been in trauma therapy to help heal some of the wounds underlying my over-reactivity, have gone to al-anon and parent support meetings and still I have this question nagging at me.</p><p></p><p>I realize rescuing is wrong, but advocating for our children is part of our imperative. If I rigorously inventory my motives, and am pretty sure I'm not bringing my personal sh%^t to the table, isn't what's left my job, or at least a healthy expression of maternal instinct? For example, a teacher or coach might be a bad fit for a child. A good mom might ask before the school year starts if there is space in another teacher's class, or if their child could avoid being placed with that particular coach (right?) But if the placement happens anyway, then the job would be to hear the child's emotions about the adult, encourage their resilience and see if the child could find a way to resolve their problems with the adult on his or her own. But if the child, replete with feelings of inadequacy caused by the teacher/coach, starts to spin out about the referee, the curriculum, the classmates or teammates, then part of the job is to tease out what is really going on, right? </p><p></p><p>It's a terrible analogy, but the old therapist seemed to understand that my son was in the misplaced blame stage and was working on teasing out the truth; the new therapist entertains the blame. The blame happens to be directed at us parents (for enforcing the stupid rules) -- thus, if I'm questioning the therapeutic approach, the easy explanation for the therapist is that we can't let go of control or we're sensitive to blame. Which is not it. He blamed us and the rules with the old therapist, too. The old therapist was just able to hold the mirror up to my son's face, while addressing any legitimate aspects of my son's complaints, and thereby retaining his trust. </p><p></p><p>If this were a bad coach or bad teacher, I think I wouldn't feel this implicated. But these therapists are acting in loco parentis. They are using their professional tools to establish personal relationships. The only other analogy I could think of is the good nanny v bad nanny. A good nanny would be like a good grandma. Loving the kid like her own family, but in a way that's shared with the working mom -- and a good grandma would never want to foment bad feelings between mother and child. A bad nanny would be like a bad spouse in a messy custody case -- loving the child on his own, but having no interest in preserving the child's relationship with the other parent. </p><p></p><p>It isn't nearly that obvious or dramatic, but I feel like the new therapist would be satisfied with filling rather than bridging or closing the gap between family and child, left after my son went to dangerous far away places, and his family stopped chasing after him. Since therapists are dealing with our children's hearts and minds, it seems infinitely more important that they not screw up.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sam3, post: 671042, member: 19290"] Thanks for your responses. I am struggling with this as yet another incarnation of the question, "what does healthy parenting look like?" I have read a bunch of books that have helped to identify the hallmarks of unhealthy parenting in myself, have been in trauma therapy to help heal some of the wounds underlying my over-reactivity, have gone to al-anon and parent support meetings and still I have this question nagging at me. I realize rescuing is wrong, but advocating for our children is part of our imperative. If I rigorously inventory my motives, and am pretty sure I'm not bringing my personal sh%^t to the table, isn't what's left my job, or at least a healthy expression of maternal instinct? For example, a teacher or coach might be a bad fit for a child. A good mom might ask before the school year starts if there is space in another teacher's class, or if their child could avoid being placed with that particular coach (right?) But if the placement happens anyway, then the job would be to hear the child's emotions about the adult, encourage their resilience and see if the child could find a way to resolve their problems with the adult on his or her own. But if the child, replete with feelings of inadequacy caused by the teacher/coach, starts to spin out about the referee, the curriculum, the classmates or teammates, then part of the job is to tease out what is really going on, right? It's a terrible analogy, but the old therapist seemed to understand that my son was in the misplaced blame stage and was working on teasing out the truth; the new therapist entertains the blame. The blame happens to be directed at us parents (for enforcing the stupid rules) -- thus, if I'm questioning the therapeutic approach, the easy explanation for the therapist is that we can't let go of control or we're sensitive to blame. Which is not it. He blamed us and the rules with the old therapist, too. The old therapist was just able to hold the mirror up to my son's face, while addressing any legitimate aspects of my son's complaints, and thereby retaining his trust. If this were a bad coach or bad teacher, I think I wouldn't feel this implicated. But these therapists are acting in loco parentis. They are using their professional tools to establish personal relationships. The only other analogy I could think of is the good nanny v bad nanny. A good nanny would be like a good grandma. Loving the kid like her own family, but in a way that's shared with the working mom -- and a good grandma would never want to foment bad feelings between mother and child. A bad nanny would be like a bad spouse in a messy custody case -- loving the child on his own, but having no interest in preserving the child's relationship with the other parent. It isn't nearly that obvious or dramatic, but I feel like the new therapist would be satisfied with filling rather than bridging or closing the gap between family and child, left after my son went to dangerous far away places, and his family stopped chasing after him. Since therapists are dealing with our children's hearts and minds, it seems infinitely more important that they not screw up. [/QUOTE]
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