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Not feeling clear on detachment for adult child
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 577850" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good morning Payla. I know that place you're in, in the middle of knowing detaching is the way to go, but having to fight your own heart in order to do it. What a terrible place for any of us to be. If your counselor is really looking at you in that way, get a new counselor, she/he is NOT understanding the magnitude of this for a parent. What you want to see in those eyes is compassion and understanding. As my therapist says, it takes what it takes for as long as it takes. She gets that this is a process and you're all over the map with it. Or, you may be 'assuming' your counselor is looking at you that way because a part of you believes you 'should' be through this already and you <em>believe</em> she/he feels the same way.</p><p></p><p>In response to a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago, (I think it may have been Barbara too) she said, do not forget that for us, this is a "personal devastation." On every level for a parent, that is what WE go through, while our adult kids do what they do. WE are wounded in our hearts in ways that no one but another parent in this boat can get. If you were talking to someone else in this situation and just looked in their eyes, I don't think you would think they were stupid, I think you would feel much compassion and sadness for them, you'd see the enormous blow they've sustained, like you, like me, like most of us here, and you would not judge her. You may be your worst critic and added to the pain of what is happening to your son, here's my unsolicited advice, CUT IT OUT! You are not a failure because your son has made bad choices and because he has ADHD. Throwing the guilt overboard will allow you to see with more clarity, all the guilt does is to keep you stuck in enabling him because you feel somehow you are responsible. You are not. He is.</p><p></p><p>Of course you are tired of the battle, it's grueling. You're battling him and you're battling yourself whether it's okay to cut off all communications or to somehow find a way to be there but not rescue him. If he is not medication compliant, if he refuses to get help, if he is lying to you, if he is not getting a job, there is NOTHING you can do but continue to try to save him and you know you can't do that. He's gotten himself here. As many have said here, our difficult child's are remarkably good at taking care of themselves once we let go of that role. </p><p></p><p>I know how hard this is. It's been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. Don't beat yourself up along the way because, really, you are doing the best you know how to do at any given time. We all are and we all fall into the holes along the way. Your path will be MUCH easier if you just stick to the facts and stop torturing yourself with how you should be doing it, or could be doing it, or if you are doing the right thing. And, yet, I understand that that is part of all of this too. I'm just telling you to stop doing that as someone whose been there done that, and it served no purpose. Make a plan that works for you and stick with it. If the 'strategy that works is not talking to him' then it seems that would be the plan. It's not easy, but it is necessary. I'm sorry, I wish it were easier, it's so hard on our mother's hearts. Hang in there, you're doing a great job, it's up and down and sideways, just remember that and be kind to yourself along the way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 577850, member: 13542"] Good morning Payla. I know that place you're in, in the middle of knowing detaching is the way to go, but having to fight your own heart in order to do it. What a terrible place for any of us to be. If your counselor is really looking at you in that way, get a new counselor, she/he is NOT understanding the magnitude of this for a parent. What you want to see in those eyes is compassion and understanding. As my therapist says, it takes what it takes for as long as it takes. She gets that this is a process and you're all over the map with it. Or, you may be 'assuming' your counselor is looking at you that way because a part of you believes you 'should' be through this already and you [I]believe[/I] she/he feels the same way. In response to a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago, (I think it may have been Barbara too) she said, do not forget that for us, this is a "personal devastation." On every level for a parent, that is what WE go through, while our adult kids do what they do. WE are wounded in our hearts in ways that no one but another parent in this boat can get. If you were talking to someone else in this situation and just looked in their eyes, I don't think you would think they were stupid, I think you would feel much compassion and sadness for them, you'd see the enormous blow they've sustained, like you, like me, like most of us here, and you would not judge her. You may be your worst critic and added to the pain of what is happening to your son, here's my unsolicited advice, CUT IT OUT! You are not a failure because your son has made bad choices and because he has ADHD. Throwing the guilt overboard will allow you to see with more clarity, all the guilt does is to keep you stuck in enabling him because you feel somehow you are responsible. You are not. He is. Of course you are tired of the battle, it's grueling. You're battling him and you're battling yourself whether it's okay to cut off all communications or to somehow find a way to be there but not rescue him. If he is not medication compliant, if he refuses to get help, if he is lying to you, if he is not getting a job, there is NOTHING you can do but continue to try to save him and you know you can't do that. He's gotten himself here. As many have said here, our difficult child's are remarkably good at taking care of themselves once we let go of that role. I know how hard this is. It's been the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. Don't beat yourself up along the way because, really, you are doing the best you know how to do at any given time. We all are and we all fall into the holes along the way. Your path will be MUCH easier if you just stick to the facts and stop torturing yourself with how you should be doing it, or could be doing it, or if you are doing the right thing. And, yet, I understand that that is part of all of this too. I'm just telling you to stop doing that as someone whose been there done that, and it served no purpose. Make a plan that works for you and stick with it. If the 'strategy that works is not talking to him' then it seems that would be the plan. It's not easy, but it is necessary. I'm sorry, I wish it were easier, it's so hard on our mother's hearts. Hang in there, you're doing a great job, it's up and down and sideways, just remember that and be kind to yourself along the way. [/QUOTE]
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