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Not helping to help our difficult children
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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 175303" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>I'm not certain why that thread shouldn't have been personalized. It was specific to Stands. She needed to hear it from a different point of view and I wanted it to stand out from the rest because it was a reason to disengage that no one had brought up with her before - is Stands' constant meddling keeping her son from that which could save him? Stands is hooked on the possibility that something she did in the past might make her son's problems her fault. My question to her, which she has not answered, was what if nothing that she had done in the past made his current situation her fault, but what she does today or tomorrow with her constant interference in his life <em>is</em> what keeps him from recovery?</p><p></p><p>I don't think the question applies to anyone else here the way I meant it for Stands. No one else here has that kind of guilt. No one else here can't find a good enough reason to disengage the way that Stands can't find a good enough reason. It was a question brought to my mind by Stands, and it was meant for Stands. It was an opportunity for her to have a new thought that might save her son.</p><p></p><p>I truly believe that we are not the right group to help Stands, and she <em>does</em> need help. I think she needs help more than her son needs help. A co-dependency group seems more appropriate. A trained therapist seems more appropriate.</p><p></p><p>So, is it not helping to help Stands? On the face of it her actions are socially acceptable. She presents as a worried mother. But she's way beyond that. For a year we have all advised her to stop, and for a year she says she will and she hasn't changed at all. Her son's actions are not socially acceptable. He steals and involves minors in crimes and takes drugs and he's in jail. But he could look on any corner and find help if he wanted it. He just doesn't want it.</p><p></p><p>So, does Stands really want help? Are we with our constant advice to her the same as she with her constant "fixing" is to her son? Keeping her from recovering from what seems most likely to be an addiction? Are we addicted to giving advice to Stands, hoping against hope that one day we will find the one thing that makes her stop and change for the better? By continuing the same conversation with her for over a year are we keeping her from that one thing that will save her from being so unhappy?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 175303, member: 99"] I'm not certain why that thread shouldn't have been personalized. It was specific to Stands. She needed to hear it from a different point of view and I wanted it to stand out from the rest because it was a reason to disengage that no one had brought up with her before - is Stands' constant meddling keeping her son from that which could save him? Stands is hooked on the possibility that something she did in the past might make her son's problems her fault. My question to her, which she has not answered, was what if nothing that she had done in the past made his current situation her fault, but what she does today or tomorrow with her constant interference in his life [I]is[/I] what keeps him from recovery? I don't think the question applies to anyone else here the way I meant it for Stands. No one else here has that kind of guilt. No one else here can't find a good enough reason to disengage the way that Stands can't find a good enough reason. It was a question brought to my mind by Stands, and it was meant for Stands. It was an opportunity for her to have a new thought that might save her son. I truly believe that we are not the right group to help Stands, and she [I]does[/I] need help. I think she needs help more than her son needs help. A co-dependency group seems more appropriate. A trained therapist seems more appropriate. So, is it not helping to help Stands? On the face of it her actions are socially acceptable. She presents as a worried mother. But she's way beyond that. For a year we have all advised her to stop, and for a year she says she will and she hasn't changed at all. Her son's actions are not socially acceptable. He steals and involves minors in crimes and takes drugs and he's in jail. But he could look on any corner and find help if he wanted it. He just doesn't want it. So, does Stands really want help? Are we with our constant advice to her the same as she with her constant "fixing" is to her son? Keeping her from recovering from what seems most likely to be an addiction? Are we addicted to giving advice to Stands, hoping against hope that one day we will find the one thing that makes her stop and change for the better? By continuing the same conversation with her for over a year are we keeping her from that one thing that will save her from being so unhappy? [/QUOTE]
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