Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Not helping to help our difficult children
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 175594" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>I think it's not a matter of "saving them" if and when we stop helping. It's a matter of stepping back and letting them save themselves. Semantics, maybe. </p><p></p><p>As recently as a month or so ago, my Oldest called me with veiled threats of suicide, saying she couldn't "take it any more," etc. etc. (she had no rent money, no job, etc.) The old Crazy might have called 911, sent the rescue squad to her house, met them there and gone to the ER with her. (the old crazy DID do that on at least one occasion, actually). Not to mention, might have foregone my own bills to give her money. But that particular night, my response was, "you know what you need to do, if you're really serious about that." That of course was met with cries of how I always criticized her, she never felt like I loved her, etc. etc. etc. I hung up finally, and did worry if this time, she was really serious. Just when I was getting ready to call Youngest and ask her to check on Oldest, Oldest called back. Completely different mindset, ticked off at me about something completely separate. No mention of not being able to take it any more. Ticked and making plans for the next day, in fact. That told me she was fine. In fact, 100% of the time when I ignore her threats, she has been fine. At least, she hasn't tried to actually kill herself. She's admitted herself to the psychiatric unit occasionally, or found a new man to give her money/a place to live/whatever emotional support she feels she needs at the time. She's survived so far. Somehow, she's also figured out, that her manipulative threats don't work any more. Oh she still tries them, but, they are fewer and far between.</p><p></p><p>It took me years to learn how to detach in that way. The same therapist who once gave me the "anything you do to help her now, only hurts her later" advice, also gave me harsher advice... "it's quite possible that Oldest will die from her own neglect and refusal to take care of herself, and if that happens, it will NOT be your fault." She wrote it down and handed it to me, and asked me to repeat it. I remember being shocked when she told me that. But she was right. If Oldest chose not to follow doctor's orders, or get help for her physical or mental health issues, I couldn't change that. It was on her.</p><p></p><p>I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except to say that for me, this type of "not helping" was the hardest to learn for me. It's also the type that is probably the hardest for anyone else NOT in my situation, or not the parent of a mentally ill (and addicted) child, to understand.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 175594, member: 1157"] I think it's not a matter of "saving them" if and when we stop helping. It's a matter of stepping back and letting them save themselves. Semantics, maybe. As recently as a month or so ago, my Oldest called me with veiled threats of suicide, saying she couldn't "take it any more," etc. etc. (she had no rent money, no job, etc.) The old Crazy might have called 911, sent the rescue squad to her house, met them there and gone to the ER with her. (the old crazy DID do that on at least one occasion, actually). Not to mention, might have foregone my own bills to give her money. But that particular night, my response was, "you know what you need to do, if you're really serious about that." That of course was met with cries of how I always criticized her, she never felt like I loved her, etc. etc. etc. I hung up finally, and did worry if this time, she was really serious. Just when I was getting ready to call Youngest and ask her to check on Oldest, Oldest called back. Completely different mindset, ticked off at me about something completely separate. No mention of not being able to take it any more. Ticked and making plans for the next day, in fact. That told me she was fine. In fact, 100% of the time when I ignore her threats, she has been fine. At least, she hasn't tried to actually kill herself. She's admitted herself to the psychiatric unit occasionally, or found a new man to give her money/a place to live/whatever emotional support she feels she needs at the time. She's survived so far. Somehow, she's also figured out, that her manipulative threats don't work any more. Oh she still tries them, but, they are fewer and far between. It took me years to learn how to detach in that way. The same therapist who once gave me the "anything you do to help her now, only hurts her later" advice, also gave me harsher advice... "it's quite possible that Oldest will die from her own neglect and refusal to take care of herself, and if that happens, it will NOT be your fault." She wrote it down and handed it to me, and asked me to repeat it. I remember being shocked when she told me that. But she was right. If Oldest chose not to follow doctor's orders, or get help for her physical or mental health issues, I couldn't change that. It was on her. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except to say that for me, this type of "not helping" was the hardest to learn for me. It's also the type that is probably the hardest for anyone else NOT in my situation, or not the parent of a mentally ill (and addicted) child, to understand. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Not helping to help our difficult children
Top