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General Parenting
Not really sure what to do...I guess I'm looking for support, ideas, and commiseratio
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 295583" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>An interesting Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) score. Regardless of the cause (attachment issues/early orphanage patterns in EE) it probably justifies getting a referral to a neuropsychologist. That way you don't have to try to diagnose him, you're asking an expert to do it.</p><p></p><p>A working hypothesis is useful though, in the meantime. and even mild Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) can be a huge handful. Language delay is perhaps one of the biggest impacts on the scores - no language delay will generally bring a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) score into "mild" even if other aspecgts are a huge problem.</p><p></p><p>What worked for us - we first removed the sense of blame, tat he was doing tis deliberately to upset us. Because that actually gave him too much credit for social capability. Instead we saw his tantrums as a last-ditch stand born of frustration plus inabilty to effectively communicate in the urgent situation.</p><p></p><p>Example - last night husband was washing up for me, wearing carefully-put-on washing up gloves. He suddenyl said, "Arrgh!" and appeared to be trying to remove his glasses with his knuckes. I interpreted this as, "I have a hair caught behind my glasses, it's tickling, can you please get it out for me?"</p><p>I went over and took his glasses from him and was reaching to brush away any hair form his eyes, whewn he turned his head and rubbed his closed eye across the back of my hand. Again and again. I had to say, "Stop, wait, let me look," and it still took a bit before I had the chance to see. He inclined his head for his glasses and as I put them on I said, "I though it was just a hair behind your glasses tickling you."</p><p>He said, "Thank you. So did I, but then the itch became maddening."</p><p>I said, "Why didn't you talk or use words? We're always tellnig difficult child 3 to use his words."</p><p></p><p>He didn't really respond and because it was no big deal, just a small glitch in the task (plus we were both trying to watch TV through it all) we left it.</p><p></p><p>But it made me think - in the crisis, husband didn't talk about it, he just made noises and signs. And this happens often enough for me to just accept it as normal. [by the way I know he is reading this and may have some comment of his own to make].</p><p></p><p>So a suggestion - give your son some space and instead sit back and watch. Make notes. Don't immediatly ascribe evil motives or naughtiness to his actions; instead, look and see - could it simply be frustration? What do you think he is feeling?</p><p></p><p>You don't have to stay there, either. It's simply a starting point, because obviously this kind of behaviour is not acceptable long-term. But he probably behaves this way because he can't do it any other way, at least not in the heat of the moment. A lot of kids, especially as they are learning, can hold it together a lot of the time. But in a panic, they go to pieces and revert back to a younger level of behaviour. You may be socialising a toddler well and he may be sharing his toys beautifully; then a baby crawls over and grabs his favoroute to, and the kid turns and clobbers the baby to get his toy back. His favourite toy taken = panic. He knows he did the wrong thing afterward and you can talk until you're blue in the face, but until he learns a better and more effective way, it will happen again. A kid who is having more toruble socialising and learning this sort of thing is going to revert back for longer. They need to learn a DIFFERENT way. Punishment isn't always the best way to teach, eiter. If a child genuinely can't help the imulsivity, punishment isn't going to change his behaviour. All it will seem to the child, is that you are taking revenge. Punishment then seems to have been given to him because you have the o=power over him and you're assering that power to show him that you are stronger than him. The only lesson he learns is resentment and "might is right". </p><p></p><p>Instead, you can use the times he is calmer and in control, to role-play. What is a better way for him to hve handled tat situation? If talking about it gets him agitated, you back off and try again later when he is calmer. Keep him calm as a priority; teach by role-play as a second priority. Avoid punishment if it's not working. Avoid ANYTHING that is not working.</p><p></p><p>It's different, but sometimes kids like ours need this difference. But these methods will also work for other kids too, so you don't need to have different rules for different kids.</p><p></p><p>You sound like you're really doing some heavy-duty research on what could be the cause here. It's probably time to call for professional help to assist you in this.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 295583, member: 1991"] An interesting Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) score. Regardless of the cause (attachment issues/early orphanage patterns in EE) it probably justifies getting a referral to a neuropsychologist. That way you don't have to try to diagnose him, you're asking an expert to do it. A working hypothesis is useful though, in the meantime. and even mild Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) can be a huge handful. Language delay is perhaps one of the biggest impacts on the scores - no language delay will generally bring a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) score into "mild" even if other aspecgts are a huge problem. What worked for us - we first removed the sense of blame, tat he was doing tis deliberately to upset us. Because that actually gave him too much credit for social capability. Instead we saw his tantrums as a last-ditch stand born of frustration plus inabilty to effectively communicate in the urgent situation. Example - last night husband was washing up for me, wearing carefully-put-on washing up gloves. He suddenyl said, "Arrgh!" and appeared to be trying to remove his glasses with his knuckes. I interpreted this as, "I have a hair caught behind my glasses, it's tickling, can you please get it out for me?" I went over and took his glasses from him and was reaching to brush away any hair form his eyes, whewn he turned his head and rubbed his closed eye across the back of my hand. Again and again. I had to say, "Stop, wait, let me look," and it still took a bit before I had the chance to see. He inclined his head for his glasses and as I put them on I said, "I though it was just a hair behind your glasses tickling you." He said, "Thank you. So did I, but then the itch became maddening." I said, "Why didn't you talk or use words? We're always tellnig difficult child 3 to use his words." He didn't really respond and because it was no big deal, just a small glitch in the task (plus we were both trying to watch TV through it all) we left it. But it made me think - in the crisis, husband didn't talk about it, he just made noises and signs. And this happens often enough for me to just accept it as normal. [by the way I know he is reading this and may have some comment of his own to make]. So a suggestion - give your son some space and instead sit back and watch. Make notes. Don't immediatly ascribe evil motives or naughtiness to his actions; instead, look and see - could it simply be frustration? What do you think he is feeling? You don't have to stay there, either. It's simply a starting point, because obviously this kind of behaviour is not acceptable long-term. But he probably behaves this way because he can't do it any other way, at least not in the heat of the moment. A lot of kids, especially as they are learning, can hold it together a lot of the time. But in a panic, they go to pieces and revert back to a younger level of behaviour. You may be socialising a toddler well and he may be sharing his toys beautifully; then a baby crawls over and grabs his favoroute to, and the kid turns and clobbers the baby to get his toy back. His favourite toy taken = panic. He knows he did the wrong thing afterward and you can talk until you're blue in the face, but until he learns a better and more effective way, it will happen again. A kid who is having more toruble socialising and learning this sort of thing is going to revert back for longer. They need to learn a DIFFERENT way. Punishment isn't always the best way to teach, eiter. If a child genuinely can't help the imulsivity, punishment isn't going to change his behaviour. All it will seem to the child, is that you are taking revenge. Punishment then seems to have been given to him because you have the o=power over him and you're assering that power to show him that you are stronger than him. The only lesson he learns is resentment and "might is right". Instead, you can use the times he is calmer and in control, to role-play. What is a better way for him to hve handled tat situation? If talking about it gets him agitated, you back off and try again later when he is calmer. Keep him calm as a priority; teach by role-play as a second priority. Avoid punishment if it's not working. Avoid ANYTHING that is not working. It's different, but sometimes kids like ours need this difference. But these methods will also work for other kids too, so you don't need to have different rules for different kids. You sound like you're really doing some heavy-duty research on what could be the cause here. It's probably time to call for professional help to assist you in this. Marg [/QUOTE]
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