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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 234645" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>While you're looking at books, also look at "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene, it's one that gets recommended a lot here. It's a different way of discipline for kids who seem to have difficulties with the usual methods. It's not saying you've done it wrong, just maybe used a method that is not the best fit for these kids.</p><p></p><p>My sister adopted two kids (not siblings) as older children. They were still babies, under a year old, but damaged in ways that never could be healed.</p><p></p><p>So don't be too hard on yourself and don't be too hard on them. There's something else going on here.</p><p></p><p>I really loathe the term "ODD". I'm not saying I don't believe in it (I have to!) but the term makes you feel VERY resentful of your child, when often the child is NOT doing this deliberately, is NOT in control of their actions anywhere near as much as we think. But the "defiant" component of the name makes us think that the child is being deliberately obnoxious, just to be ornery. And that is just not so.</p><p></p><p>The first time it was suggested to me that difficult child 3 was ODD, I was very angry. I looked it up and found a few parameters that didn't fit but I had to accept, he sure fit the description. However, I could see he wasn't being nasty on purpose, he was just at the end of his tether. Trouble was, so was his teacher and she had begun the year with more patience than most.</p><p></p><p>The oppositionality becomes most obvious when we clash heads with our kids, when we meet their oppositionality with our own stubbornness in response. We deal with it by using "I can be stubborn too" and then wonder why this doesn't stop it, it only makes it worse.</p><p></p><p>Some kids do learn by being told. But other kids need to be set an example, and when the classic strict parenting is used on them, they use it as a template for their own behaviour and we find ourselves on the receiving end - not good, coming from a child.</p><p></p><p>We can continue using equal and opposite force with our kids like a tug of war, or we can stop the competition and let go the rope. It's a game that rapidly goes nowhere when there is nobody on the other end of the rope. Or alternatively, you can stop pulling, and suddenly go in the same direction they are going. This can throw them off balance and tey isinctiviely cling for support, then (if you're lucky) let you lead. Once you have tem letting you lead, even if it is where they want to go, they are more likely to let you begin to steer in a subtly different direction. </p><p></p><p>It is a little more complex than this, because your own parenting instinct has to come in at some point because YOU are the person who knows your children best. But it is a different approach which teaches the children to use their own stubbornness positively, rather than to fight everybody else.</p><p></p><p>Whatever the diagnosis, it doesn't matter too much at thispoint, you can do what you feel needs to be done. A diagnosis is important for school and to get services, but to parent - your child today with a diagnosis is the same child yesterday without one, your methods that work will not change. A diagnosis can help you have more clues, but if you are already studying your child, what you observe will not change.</p><p></p><p>Keep us posted in how you get on. Sorry you need to be here, glad to have you on board.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 234645, member: 1991"] While you're looking at books, also look at "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene, it's one that gets recommended a lot here. It's a different way of discipline for kids who seem to have difficulties with the usual methods. It's not saying you've done it wrong, just maybe used a method that is not the best fit for these kids. My sister adopted two kids (not siblings) as older children. They were still babies, under a year old, but damaged in ways that never could be healed. So don't be too hard on yourself and don't be too hard on them. There's something else going on here. I really loathe the term "ODD". I'm not saying I don't believe in it (I have to!) but the term makes you feel VERY resentful of your child, when often the child is NOT doing this deliberately, is NOT in control of their actions anywhere near as much as we think. But the "defiant" component of the name makes us think that the child is being deliberately obnoxious, just to be ornery. And that is just not so. The first time it was suggested to me that difficult child 3 was ODD, I was very angry. I looked it up and found a few parameters that didn't fit but I had to accept, he sure fit the description. However, I could see he wasn't being nasty on purpose, he was just at the end of his tether. Trouble was, so was his teacher and she had begun the year with more patience than most. The oppositionality becomes most obvious when we clash heads with our kids, when we meet their oppositionality with our own stubbornness in response. We deal with it by using "I can be stubborn too" and then wonder why this doesn't stop it, it only makes it worse. Some kids do learn by being told. But other kids need to be set an example, and when the classic strict parenting is used on them, they use it as a template for their own behaviour and we find ourselves on the receiving end - not good, coming from a child. We can continue using equal and opposite force with our kids like a tug of war, or we can stop the competition and let go the rope. It's a game that rapidly goes nowhere when there is nobody on the other end of the rope. Or alternatively, you can stop pulling, and suddenly go in the same direction they are going. This can throw them off balance and tey isinctiviely cling for support, then (if you're lucky) let you lead. Once you have tem letting you lead, even if it is where they want to go, they are more likely to let you begin to steer in a subtly different direction. It is a little more complex than this, because your own parenting instinct has to come in at some point because YOU are the person who knows your children best. But it is a different approach which teaches the children to use their own stubbornness positively, rather than to fight everybody else. Whatever the diagnosis, it doesn't matter too much at thispoint, you can do what you feel needs to be done. A diagnosis is important for school and to get services, but to parent - your child today with a diagnosis is the same child yesterday without one, your methods that work will not change. A diagnosis can help you have more clues, but if you are already studying your child, what you observe will not change. Keep us posted in how you get on. Sorry you need to be here, glad to have you on board. Marg [/QUOTE]
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