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<blockquote data-quote="InsaneCdn" data-source="post: 546822" data-attributes="member: 11791"><p>Oh, Lisa.</p><p>There are SO many variables... which of course isn't unusual for estranged family members.</p><p></p><p>The biggest challenge is to be true to yourself, while trying to see where her feelings are coming from.</p><p>The little stuff IS what usually trips up these situations.</p><p>And none of it is actually little. Each one will be it's own "iceberg".</p><p></p><p>I'm not in your shoes. But... gut feel? (I'm thinking out loud here, so by the time I get to the bottom, the first points might make less sense... )</p><p></p><p>Only tackle ONE issue at a time, and pick carefully.</p><p>See if there is a way to walk the edges, try and define the surface issue, and then drill a wee bit.</p><p>Like... the whole calls/visits thing.</p><p>It's probably easier to deal with... because you DID try. She may have no idea how often you tried. It is easy to see where the reality (no calls/visits) can hurt, but no hurt was intended. You didn't want to push too far, didn't want to set things off on a wrong foot for other reasons. Neither side was wrong. The communication just fell "between the cracks", and it's time to re-build the bridge (even if it's just a brick at a time, or even Celtic haggis-hurling-style communication <wink>).</p><p></p><p>In some ways, the shopping/couponing thing hangs off the communication issue. If you can't communicate, how can you include? Is she easy to include, or a total pain? If it works not bad, then there's ways to rebuild that, too. </p><p></p><p>Those are logical. I can see both sides. Neither side is intentional. And both of these issues really only involve the two of you. Any communication issues with her sisters is between her and the sisters... not a reflection of you.</p><p></p><p>Which, if I've followed the issues correctly, leaves just one... the whole caregiver-for-easy child issue.</p><p>This is harder. Because it really isn't YOUR issue. It's easy child's issue. You did whatever you could for easy child, and followed her wishes and comfort level. You were the logical care-giver, on many fronts. And any even-halfway-easy child-kid would know that. But a difficult child... doesn't see things that way. They really don't understand the difference between their skills and your skills - and trying to explain that gets taken as a put-down. They really don't understand the cost-benefit analysis either - and trying to explain that gets taken as a put-down. And on it goes. Know what I mean?? This is a ticking bomb. You don't have enough bridges built yet to deal with it. </p><p></p><p>Maybe on this one, you need to side-step. She gave you an "out" to do so. She wants to keep it to letters for now. Not a bad idea, really. Both of you have time then to think and write and re-think and re-write. Keeps the baggage more in the background. She puts the "trust" thing on your side of the equation, but really, that's difficult child-speak for not really trusting themselves. Don't take it personal, but look for the tiny thread of wisdom. And then... explain that the whole easy child/caregiver issue isn't really something you can deal with on paper right now?</p><p></p><p>I don't know... just rambling, maybe something will help...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="InsaneCdn, post: 546822, member: 11791"] Oh, Lisa. There are SO many variables... which of course isn't unusual for estranged family members. The biggest challenge is to be true to yourself, while trying to see where her feelings are coming from. The little stuff IS what usually trips up these situations. And none of it is actually little. Each one will be it's own "iceberg". I'm not in your shoes. But... gut feel? (I'm thinking out loud here, so by the time I get to the bottom, the first points might make less sense... ) Only tackle ONE issue at a time, and pick carefully. See if there is a way to walk the edges, try and define the surface issue, and then drill a wee bit. Like... the whole calls/visits thing. It's probably easier to deal with... because you DID try. She may have no idea how often you tried. It is easy to see where the reality (no calls/visits) can hurt, but no hurt was intended. You didn't want to push too far, didn't want to set things off on a wrong foot for other reasons. Neither side was wrong. The communication just fell "between the cracks", and it's time to re-build the bridge (even if it's just a brick at a time, or even Celtic haggis-hurling-style communication <wink>). In some ways, the shopping/couponing thing hangs off the communication issue. If you can't communicate, how can you include? Is she easy to include, or a total pain? If it works not bad, then there's ways to rebuild that, too. Those are logical. I can see both sides. Neither side is intentional. And both of these issues really only involve the two of you. Any communication issues with her sisters is between her and the sisters... not a reflection of you. Which, if I've followed the issues correctly, leaves just one... the whole caregiver-for-easy child issue. This is harder. Because it really isn't YOUR issue. It's easy child's issue. You did whatever you could for easy child, and followed her wishes and comfort level. You were the logical care-giver, on many fronts. And any even-halfway-easy child-kid would know that. But a difficult child... doesn't see things that way. They really don't understand the difference between their skills and your skills - and trying to explain that gets taken as a put-down. They really don't understand the cost-benefit analysis either - and trying to explain that gets taken as a put-down. And on it goes. Know what I mean?? This is a ticking bomb. You don't have enough bridges built yet to deal with it. Maybe on this one, you need to side-step. She gave you an "out" to do so. She wants to keep it to letters for now. Not a bad idea, really. Both of you have time then to think and write and re-think and re-write. Keeps the baggage more in the background. She puts the "trust" thing on your side of the equation, but really, that's difficult child-speak for not really trusting themselves. Don't take it personal, but look for the tiny thread of wisdom. And then... explain that the whole easy child/caregiver issue isn't really something you can deal with on paper right now? I don't know... just rambling, maybe something will help... [/QUOTE]
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