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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 695391" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Jackie and welcome to the forum. First of all, I wanted to write that I am glad your son has found a job that he enjoys, that in itself is a <em>big relief</em>. D cs working their way to self sufficiency is a <em>huge</em> plus.</p><p> This makes me wonder, if you have told him repeatedly, does that mean he IS smoking at your house, or that you are reminding him? Your house, your rules..........</p><p> I have experienced this, the stress in my own home. My two have a younger sibling and looking back, it was unfair to him. Our homes should be our sanctuaries, not a place where adult children move in and wreak havoc. I am sorry you went through this, it is hard.</p><p> Wonderful! So, how is his money management? Is he saving money to eventually move out? Does he pay any rent (you could have him pay his fair portion, I think it is a good thing to teach adult children to help with household expenses and pay their way). This could be one step to take towards his further self sufficiency. You could put some of it away to help him with finding his own place, if you didn't need it to help with the house bills.</p><p> That is the big question for <em>all of us</em>. We are all subject to unforeseen circumstances. I do think it is good to mull over the possibilities a bit to try and prepare yourself and what your reactions would be to the what ifs......</p><p> That is a big one. The only control we have is over our reactions to circumstances. You have control over yourself and what you allow in your home.</p><p> Depends on your relationship with him and how willing he is to listen. For most of us here, we have learned that our d cs have a hard time following our advice,<em> more resent it than anything. </em>I think it is a part of growing up and spreading their wings. They are going to do it their way.That is what makes it hard having them continue to live in our homes. They are going to do things their way, and often times, that boils down to ignoring house rules.</p><p> You do have a right to be comfortable in your own home, 100%. Our homes are our sanctuaries.</p><p> This is the thing. I don't know how old his sibling is, but if he/she is a minor, it is important to remain firm with rules and boundaries for siblings sake and feeling secure in their home, as well as setting an example of not putting up with rule breaking. There are boundaries and rules <em>everywhere we go</em>. An adult child living in the home, breaking rules is <em>disrespectful</em>. When I visit my mom, who is very clean and organized, down to shutting lights off in order (this one then that one......lol) I do it. It is because it is her home and I respect her. My sibs may joke a bit amongst ourselves about her O C D-ness, but we follow her rules.</p><p> It seems it may not just be smoking at home that bothers you, the self medicating and frequent use seems to be in the picture as well. So, if he does it somewhere else, but comes home high, would that be an issue?</p><p> Thinking this through is important because if we set rules and they are broken it is confusing as all heck when the consequences are not followed through on. I can understand why you are unclear on this, given the issues you have had with your son and concern for his mental health, as well as the gains he has made with holding down a full time job, and helping out at home. I am not opposed to adult children living at home, as long as they follow rules and contribute to the home. Rents are ridiculously high where I live and there are many multi-generational households here. What is difficult, is when there are problems with drugs and partying, younger siblings observing and learning. This, I have experienced. I have also seen pot use escalate to a point where if my d c is not high, she has <em>uncontrollable mood swings</em>. That is scary. The pot nowadays, as others have mentioned, is really, really strong. I smoked as a teen, but the stuff people are smoking now is way more potent and often mixed with other substances. Risky.</p><p>If there are still underlying mental issues with your son, is it self medicating, or just numbing a problem that may just rear its ugly head in the future? Only time will tell.</p><p>It is totally up to you what you decide. The good folks here have been through just about everything, so their response is from the heart and from their own unique experience.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you are open minded to opinions. None of us here are experts, just parents who have been through, or are on similar journeys. It is completely up to you, what you decide.</p><p>Having written that, I will say that through my own experience, having drug using d cs in the home was a hellish ride. My son grew up with the chaos of it, and it robbed him of his right to a peaceful home environment. HE is my focus now. Peace in my home is my focus.</p><p>My adult children are older than your son. I can see why you are extending your home to him, all we wish for our children is to be healthy and successful. But, being able to live at home as an adult is a <em>privilege, not a given. </em>From my own experience, rules that are broken, become repeatedly broken and adult d cs begin to have<em> expectations of entitlement.</em> Be very careful about drawing lines and allowing them to be crossed. It can become a slow escalating vicious cycle and your peace of home and mind is lost in the maelstrom of it. What may seem benign now, in the long run can be the beginning of trouble down the road. Measure the inches taken over the boundaries, they can become miles quickly, without even realizing it as it happens. Having firm boundaries and sticking to the consequences is really important for your own peace of mind, self respect, an example to your other child, but most of all to your son in question. IF we don't have enough respect for ourselves and the house rules we set to enforce them, then our d cs will not respect us, or our rules. I think it is important to figure out what you are willing to put up with. It is your home. You matter. How you feel in your own home matters. Your home.</p><p>You have extended your home to your son.</p><p>Is he grateful and appreciative?</p><p>He should be, and show it by respecting you and your requests of him.</p><p>If he cannot, then with a full time job he should be looking at launching and finding his own place.</p><p>Keep posting, it really helps to write things out and get different perspectives.</p><p>Take care.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 695391, member: 19522"] Hi Jackie and welcome to the forum. First of all, I wanted to write that I am glad your son has found a job that he enjoys, that in itself is a [I]big relief[/I]. D cs working their way to self sufficiency is a [I]huge[/I] plus. This makes me wonder, if you have told him repeatedly, does that mean he IS smoking at your house, or that you are reminding him? Your house, your rules.......... I have experienced this, the stress in my own home. My two have a younger sibling and looking back, it was unfair to him. Our homes should be our sanctuaries, not a place where adult children move in and wreak havoc. I am sorry you went through this, it is hard. Wonderful! So, how is his money management? Is he saving money to eventually move out? Does he pay any rent (you could have him pay his fair portion, I think it is a good thing to teach adult children to help with household expenses and pay their way). This could be one step to take towards his further self sufficiency. You could put some of it away to help him with finding his own place, if you didn't need it to help with the house bills. That is the big question for [I]all of us[/I]. We are all subject to unforeseen circumstances. I do think it is good to mull over the possibilities a bit to try and prepare yourself and what your reactions would be to the what ifs...... That is a big one. The only control we have is over our reactions to circumstances. You have control over yourself and what you allow in your home. Depends on your relationship with him and how willing he is to listen. For most of us here, we have learned that our d cs have a hard time following our advice,[I] more resent it than anything. [/I]I think it is a part of growing up and spreading their wings. They are going to do it their way.That is what makes it hard having them continue to live in our homes. They are going to do things their way, and often times, that boils down to ignoring house rules. You do have a right to be comfortable in your own home, 100%. Our homes are our sanctuaries. This is the thing. I don't know how old his sibling is, but if he/she is a minor, it is important to remain firm with rules and boundaries for siblings sake and feeling secure in their home, as well as setting an example of not putting up with rule breaking. There are boundaries and rules [I]everywhere we go[/I]. An adult child living in the home, breaking rules is [I]disrespectful[/I]. When I visit my mom, who is very clean and organized, down to shutting lights off in order (this one then that one......lol) I do it. It is because it is her home and I respect her. My sibs may joke a bit amongst ourselves about her O C D-ness, but we follow her rules. It seems it may not just be smoking at home that bothers you, the self medicating and frequent use seems to be in the picture as well. So, if he does it somewhere else, but comes home high, would that be an issue? Thinking this through is important because if we set rules and they are broken it is confusing as all heck when the consequences are not followed through on. I can understand why you are unclear on this, given the issues you have had with your son and concern for his mental health, as well as the gains he has made with holding down a full time job, and helping out at home. I am not opposed to adult children living at home, as long as they follow rules and contribute to the home. Rents are ridiculously high where I live and there are many multi-generational households here. What is difficult, is when there are problems with drugs and partying, younger siblings observing and learning. This, I have experienced. I have also seen pot use escalate to a point where if my d c is not high, she has [I]uncontrollable mood swings[/I]. That is scary. The pot nowadays, as others have mentioned, is really, really strong. I smoked as a teen, but the stuff people are smoking now is way more potent and often mixed with other substances. Risky. If there are still underlying mental issues with your son, is it self medicating, or just numbing a problem that may just rear its ugly head in the future? Only time will tell. It is totally up to you what you decide. The good folks here have been through just about everything, so their response is from the heart and from their own unique experience. I am glad you are open minded to opinions. None of us here are experts, just parents who have been through, or are on similar journeys. It is completely up to you, what you decide. Having written that, I will say that through my own experience, having drug using d cs in the home was a hellish ride. My son grew up with the chaos of it, and it robbed him of his right to a peaceful home environment. HE is my focus now. Peace in my home is my focus. My adult children are older than your son. I can see why you are extending your home to him, all we wish for our children is to be healthy and successful. But, being able to live at home as an adult is a [I]privilege, not a given. [/I]From my own experience, rules that are broken, become repeatedly broken and adult d cs begin to have[I] expectations of entitlement.[/I] Be very careful about drawing lines and allowing them to be crossed. It can become a slow escalating vicious cycle and your peace of home and mind is lost in the maelstrom of it. What may seem benign now, in the long run can be the beginning of trouble down the road. Measure the inches taken over the boundaries, they can become miles quickly, without even realizing it as it happens. Having firm boundaries and sticking to the consequences is really important for your own peace of mind, self respect, an example to your other child, but most of all to your son in question. IF we don't have enough respect for ourselves and the house rules we set to enforce them, then our d cs will not respect us, or our rules. I think it is important to figure out what you are willing to put up with. It is your home. You matter. How you feel in your own home matters. Your home. You have extended your home to your son. Is he grateful and appreciative? He should be, and show it by respecting you and your requests of him. If he cannot, then with a full time job he should be looking at launching and finding his own place. Keep posting, it really helps to write things out and get different perspectives. Take care. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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