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Now he is really gone.
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 679039" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I think M is correct. Power play.</p><p>Copa, I found out two years ago from neighbors, that Rain was living in a makeshift tent in the back of our valley, a few hundred yards from our house.</p><p>I was mortified.</p><p>Of course the neighborhood mindset was what a <em>horrible mother I was</em>. Cousins across the road stopping me on my way home expressing concern, and "Why don't you just help your daughter?"</p><p>My stomach is churning just writing this post.</p><p></p><p>We had already tried a number of times to "help" and been stolen from manipulated and lied to.</p><p>The behavior didn't change.</p><p>I am sorry for the stress of it. I too, felt contempt for my daughters situation. It was definitely a ploy to make me break down with the shame if it. It was too late, I had already lost so much, and understood that I was just an opportunity to her.</p><p>She was living this way for all to see, so that I would feel the sting of it. It wasn't enough already that my heart had been ripped out and stomped on, many, many times.</p><p>I had to "create the bubble", it is my invisible protective shield, rhino skin, almost like an altered state. Your green tank. I do not think you are being histrionic. It is devastating to the soul to have our kids grow up and choose this lifestyle. The nearer they are, the harder it is. All we want is for the kids to be okay. Well, then, if this is their choice, what can we do?</p><p>We can stand strong against their pushing, their insistence that we look the other way and let our hearts be trampled on. We can stand our ground and say "No more".</p><p>The firmer we stand, the more they learn.</p><p></p><p>Hopefully, son will see that his ploy will not work.</p><p></p><p>Eventually, my daughter left.</p><p>Then it was a whole different ballgame, wondering where, how, why..........</p><p>I do not think she has a clue of how much her choices affect her parents.</p><p></p><p>Each time I have the reality of this in my face, it is a retraining.I find myself getting a little bit stronger, oh I cry, I stress and worry, but each time the grief lasts a little less. The "bubble" gets tougher.</p><p></p><p>I feel for you Copa, I do so know the pain and frustration of this.</p><p></p><p>I had to look at it as part of a learning process, for she and I.</p><p></p><p>She was trying to force an issue, and I decided that I would not back down.</p><p>It is a battle of the hardest kind.</p><p>I kept it in the forefront of my mind, that it would not last forever, and that by my being tough and not backing down, I was really and truly "helping" her. Showing her that it was unacceptable.</p><p></p><p>We are not cold hearted people. We have been around the block a few times with these kids, and understand the necessity of them finding their purpose and meaning of life, and that progress does not happen, when they live with us.</p><p></p><p>I was reading ADads question about the western concept of encouraging kids to leave the nest and strike out on their own. We have a number of ethnicities here, including Hawaiian, who live as extended families. I have no problem with my adult children living at home. The thing is, there are rules, contribute to the house, work together, no drugs, no STEALING.</p><p>This works for some families.</p><p>With my d cs, it very quickly erodes from pushing the limits to outrageous destructive behaviors to themselves and <em>everybody else. </em></p><p></p><p>It is unacceptable.</p><p></p><p>Unacceptable. It is a word I use often. It helps me stand my ground.</p><p>I love you, but your lifestyle is unacceptable in my home.</p><p>I love you, but you cannot stay here.</p><p>It has helped me turn the "Woe is me, this situation, my daughters...." into a stronger position. </p><p>I cannot stay in the lamentation stage, it is too damaging.</p><p></p><p>Stay in your big green tank, Copa, I think that is your bubble.</p><p></p><p>You are going to be alright. Let M handle this.</p><p>Keep posting here and let us know how you are doing.</p><p>As a mother who has been through and still going through this, I understand the sorrow and frustration and anger.</p><p></p><p>You can do this. <em>It is a chess game</em>, but you have the upper hand, you have played it before, and you know the moves. You see it for what it is and you are stronger. </p><p>The less you allow your son to roll over you, the more he learns he cannot, the closer he gets to understanding he needs to find his way.</p><p></p><p>You got this Copa, and we are here for you.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 679039, member: 19522"] I think M is correct. Power play. Copa, I found out two years ago from neighbors, that Rain was living in a makeshift tent in the back of our valley, a few hundred yards from our house. I was mortified. Of course the neighborhood mindset was what a [I]horrible mother I was[/I]. Cousins across the road stopping me on my way home expressing concern, and "Why don't you just help your daughter?" My stomach is churning just writing this post. We had already tried a number of times to "help" and been stolen from manipulated and lied to. The behavior didn't change. I am sorry for the stress of it. I too, felt contempt for my daughters situation. It was definitely a ploy to make me break down with the shame if it. It was too late, I had already lost so much, and understood that I was just an opportunity to her. She was living this way for all to see, so that I would feel the sting of it. It wasn't enough already that my heart had been ripped out and stomped on, many, many times. I had to "create the bubble", it is my invisible protective shield, rhino skin, almost like an altered state. Your green tank. I do not think you are being histrionic. It is devastating to the soul to have our kids grow up and choose this lifestyle. The nearer they are, the harder it is. All we want is for the kids to be okay. Well, then, if this is their choice, what can we do? We can stand strong against their pushing, their insistence that we look the other way and let our hearts be trampled on. We can stand our ground and say "No more". The firmer we stand, the more they learn. Hopefully, son will see that his ploy will not work. Eventually, my daughter left. Then it was a whole different ballgame, wondering where, how, why.......... I do not think she has a clue of how much her choices affect her parents. Each time I have the reality of this in my face, it is a retraining.I find myself getting a little bit stronger, oh I cry, I stress and worry, but each time the grief lasts a little less. The "bubble" gets tougher. I feel for you Copa, I do so know the pain and frustration of this. I had to look at it as part of a learning process, for she and I. She was trying to force an issue, and I decided that I would not back down. It is a battle of the hardest kind. I kept it in the forefront of my mind, that it would not last forever, and that by my being tough and not backing down, I was really and truly "helping" her. Showing her that it was unacceptable. We are not cold hearted people. We have been around the block a few times with these kids, and understand the necessity of them finding their purpose and meaning of life, and that progress does not happen, when they live with us. I was reading ADads question about the western concept of encouraging kids to leave the nest and strike out on their own. We have a number of ethnicities here, including Hawaiian, who live as extended families. I have no problem with my adult children living at home. The thing is, there are rules, contribute to the house, work together, no drugs, no STEALING. This works for some families. With my d cs, it very quickly erodes from pushing the limits to outrageous destructive behaviors to themselves and [I]everybody else. [/I] It is unacceptable. Unacceptable. It is a word I use often. It helps me stand my ground. I love you, but your lifestyle is unacceptable in my home. I love you, but you cannot stay here. It has helped me turn the "Woe is me, this situation, my daughters...." into a stronger position. I cannot stay in the lamentation stage, it is too damaging. Stay in your big green tank, Copa, I think that is your bubble. You are going to be alright. Let M handle this. Keep posting here and let us know how you are doing. As a mother who has been through and still going through this, I understand the sorrow and frustration and anger. You can do this. [I]It is a chess game[/I], but you have the upper hand, you have played it before, and you know the moves. You see it for what it is and you are stronger. The less you allow your son to roll over you, the more he learns he cannot, the closer he gets to understanding he needs to find his way. You got this Copa, and we are here for you. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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