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General Parenting
Observing 4 teenagers this past weekend....
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 368279" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I disagree completely about the ruler across the knuckles. A large part of the arthritis in my knuckles comes from that ruler administered during my 6 years of private school. Some of the teachers didn't wait for misbehavior. They used the ruler if your penmanship was messy, you gave a wrong answer, mispronounced a word when reading out loud, etc... It didn't damage my self esteem but it sure did damage my hands. I connected with some of the classmates from those years a while back. Every single one of us had problems with our hands that our docs said was at least partially from that ruler on the knuckles. </p><p></p><p>I think that having everyone win a ribbon or trophy for playing a sport is hogwash. Ditto for not using red pens, praising kids for just being, etc.... I think it HURTS their self esteem. Kids are not stupid. They know when they have worked for something and when they haven't. Giving them praise and awards for every little thing seems like it is telling them that they are not able to really accomplish something so they have to be praised for nothing or they would never get praise. Or they get so much praise they feel that they have to do everything right the first time or they will disappoint you. This leads to perfectionism that can be crippling and to many other problems.</p><p></p><p>I hope that sooner or later parents will stop being their kids' friends. Friends come and go, some people have hundreds of them in a lifetime. Parents are far fewer. You get 2, maybe a few more if step parents are added to the mix. in my opinion it is a far more special relationship than "friend", but it is hard work and a lot of the time you only know you are doing a good job if your kid is mad at you for not letting them do something or for making them do something. </p><p></p><p>I think the mutton-dressed-as-lamb fashion is also part of the problem. It is one more way that the boundaries get ignored or simply don't exist. Past generations could tell in a glance who the parent was and who the kid was. Regardless of the styles of the time, kids dressed one way and parents another. Now it is much harder to tell. I can remember the day I got my first pair of pantyhose. I also remember buying my first makeup. It was the summer between sixth and seventh grade. I bet many of you can remember firsts like that too. They were milestones, big deals that we knew happened because we were becoming more mature and were able to handle more responsibility.</p><p></p><p>Kids have very little reason to want to grow up. Grownups have to have jobs and pay their own way. Many kids are getting all the privileges of adulthood - adult clothes, makeup, alcoholic drinks, coffee, R rated movies, tvs in their rooms, cell phones, their own computers, etc... with very little or NO responsibilities accompanying them. </p><p></p><p>It is time for this societal trend where almost anything is accepted to swing back the other way. We don't have to go to Puritan standards, but there MUST be SOME standards and rules or societies collapse. Self esteem has gone down in each of the last several generations and we have become so worried about it that we have lost sight of the fact that people SHOULD feel bad about doing certain things. Any parent who wants to demand decent behavior from a child, or who wants to give a child consequences or punishment for bad behavior is told to "wipe the slate clean" and give the child another chance. Over and over and over. Regardless of the behavior, how dangerous it is, and how many people could or did get hurt by it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 368279, member: 1233"] I disagree completely about the ruler across the knuckles. A large part of the arthritis in my knuckles comes from that ruler administered during my 6 years of private school. Some of the teachers didn't wait for misbehavior. They used the ruler if your penmanship was messy, you gave a wrong answer, mispronounced a word when reading out loud, etc... It didn't damage my self esteem but it sure did damage my hands. I connected with some of the classmates from those years a while back. Every single one of us had problems with our hands that our docs said was at least partially from that ruler on the knuckles. I think that having everyone win a ribbon or trophy for playing a sport is hogwash. Ditto for not using red pens, praising kids for just being, etc.... I think it HURTS their self esteem. Kids are not stupid. They know when they have worked for something and when they haven't. Giving them praise and awards for every little thing seems like it is telling them that they are not able to really accomplish something so they have to be praised for nothing or they would never get praise. Or they get so much praise they feel that they have to do everything right the first time or they will disappoint you. This leads to perfectionism that can be crippling and to many other problems. I hope that sooner or later parents will stop being their kids' friends. Friends come and go, some people have hundreds of them in a lifetime. Parents are far fewer. You get 2, maybe a few more if step parents are added to the mix. in my opinion it is a far more special relationship than "friend", but it is hard work and a lot of the time you only know you are doing a good job if your kid is mad at you for not letting them do something or for making them do something. I think the mutton-dressed-as-lamb fashion is also part of the problem. It is one more way that the boundaries get ignored or simply don't exist. Past generations could tell in a glance who the parent was and who the kid was. Regardless of the styles of the time, kids dressed one way and parents another. Now it is much harder to tell. I can remember the day I got my first pair of pantyhose. I also remember buying my first makeup. It was the summer between sixth and seventh grade. I bet many of you can remember firsts like that too. They were milestones, big deals that we knew happened because we were becoming more mature and were able to handle more responsibility. Kids have very little reason to want to grow up. Grownups have to have jobs and pay their own way. Many kids are getting all the privileges of adulthood - adult clothes, makeup, alcoholic drinks, coffee, R rated movies, tvs in their rooms, cell phones, their own computers, etc... with very little or NO responsibilities accompanying them. It is time for this societal trend where almost anything is accepted to swing back the other way. We don't have to go to Puritan standards, but there MUST be SOME standards and rules or societies collapse. Self esteem has gone down in each of the last several generations and we have become so worried about it that we have lost sight of the fact that people SHOULD feel bad about doing certain things. Any parent who wants to demand decent behavior from a child, or who wants to give a child consequences or punishment for bad behavior is told to "wipe the slate clean" and give the child another chance. Over and over and over. Regardless of the behavior, how dangerous it is, and how many people could or did get hurt by it. [/QUOTE]
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