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ODD-Does it EVER get better??
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 400781" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am SO sorry that things have gotten to this point. Evaluations and medication and therapy might have helped or might not. ODD does get better but only when the underlying cause is treated - can be anything from food allergies to mental illness to a personality disorder. By the teen years treatment depends on the child's willingness to work on the problems. At this point, the evaluations and waiting list are a moot point. They are not going to happen because he is "happy" at his friend's house. The single dad will wise up at some point and see he has been used and duped and his son has also.</p><p> </p><p>Sadly, sometimes we get all the evaluations and accommodations and help that anyone could ask for and it doesn't make any difference in the results. The real world WILL impose rules on him in ways a parent cannot. At this point it is your son's CHOICES that are at fault, and the cause is sort of irrelevant because anything you ask for/suggest/want will result in him doing the opposite. Sadly this never works to get them into healthy habits - don't you wish "I want you to go smoke weed and meth and crack and heroin" would make him go and avoid drugs and eat organic foods and make healthy choices? If only it were that easy.</p><p> </p><p>Are YOU seeing a therapist? Was he violent at home when he didn't get his way? Physically or verbally? You would benefit from working through this with a therapist and possibly from counselling from a domestic violence center. Parents CAN be abused - and from the sound of it both you and your husband were. This needs special treatment - please, PLEASE seek it out. It is SO HARD to admit your child abused you, but if you are able to work through that you will be stronger and HAPPIER than you ever dreamed you can be. My son abused us very badly, esp my daughter and I. Getting help wasn't easy but it was one of the best things for us. </p><p> </p><p>I am very sure that at NO time did you wake up and ask yourself "How can I mess my kid up the most today?". Work on forgiving yourself for your mistakes and being the parent your younger child needs you to be. You did the best you could with what you had and knew - and when you knew/had better you did better. That is ALL that you can demand from yourself - and it is okay to forgive yourself for mistakes. When your son was in kindergarten there was a LOT in the news about entire towns who put every boy or evey child of a single parent on medication for adhd or whatever. So it wasn't entirely nuts to think that the school was wanting to medicate him simply to make him fit the mold. Now you likely know it might have helped, but you will NEVER be sure. Don't torture yourself over it - there are a LOT of people who have done everything humanly possible in the way of testing, medications, therapies, placements, etc... and they STILL have kids who are behaving like your son.</p><p> </p><p>PLEASE work to be gentle with yourself, to let go of the guilt as much as possible. Those of us who did everything in the way of testing and have kids who still are difficult children doing difficult child things also torture ourselves thinking we could have/ should have done something to make this different. It is HARD to realize we just are not that powerful. It isn't up to us to change this, and largely we did not create or cause it. If we could have made it better for our kids, we would have. But we couldn't, and you couldn't either. </p><p> </p><p>A therapist can really help with this. You can learn to detach and let him be responsible for his own choices and life. it isn't easy, but it is possible. You CAN have a happy life, and come to be at peace with yourself. REad up on detachment here as it will help. The Serentiy Prayer is also very helpful (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.). As your child is using drugs (using alcohol almost always goes with that), check out some AlAnon and/or NarcAnon meetings. The support you get there will be incredible and eye opening. Addiction is a family problem and this is one good way to begin to heal from it. Even though he isn't living iwth you, attending meetings can help you come to peace with the past and the future. It can also help you to be a better parent to your younger child. It may even be helpful for your younger child to attend AlaTeen meetings - meetings for kid with a family member who is hooked on a substance. Your younger child can learn that it isn't/wasn't his fault, and that he doesn't have to make those choices and can choose to not continue the patterns of behavior that come from addiction in the family.</p><p> </p><p>LOTS of hugs. In many ways what you are dealing with is harder than what many of us are dealing with. You are at the point where all you can do is watch from the sidelines - and that is HARD.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 400781, member: 1233"] I am SO sorry that things have gotten to this point. Evaluations and medication and therapy might have helped or might not. ODD does get better but only when the underlying cause is treated - can be anything from food allergies to mental illness to a personality disorder. By the teen years treatment depends on the child's willingness to work on the problems. At this point, the evaluations and waiting list are a moot point. They are not going to happen because he is "happy" at his friend's house. The single dad will wise up at some point and see he has been used and duped and his son has also. Sadly, sometimes we get all the evaluations and accommodations and help that anyone could ask for and it doesn't make any difference in the results. The real world WILL impose rules on him in ways a parent cannot. At this point it is your son's CHOICES that are at fault, and the cause is sort of irrelevant because anything you ask for/suggest/want will result in him doing the opposite. Sadly this never works to get them into healthy habits - don't you wish "I want you to go smoke weed and meth and crack and heroin" would make him go and avoid drugs and eat organic foods and make healthy choices? If only it were that easy. Are YOU seeing a therapist? Was he violent at home when he didn't get his way? Physically or verbally? You would benefit from working through this with a therapist and possibly from counselling from a domestic violence center. Parents CAN be abused - and from the sound of it both you and your husband were. This needs special treatment - please, PLEASE seek it out. It is SO HARD to admit your child abused you, but if you are able to work through that you will be stronger and HAPPIER than you ever dreamed you can be. My son abused us very badly, esp my daughter and I. Getting help wasn't easy but it was one of the best things for us. I am very sure that at NO time did you wake up and ask yourself "How can I mess my kid up the most today?". Work on forgiving yourself for your mistakes and being the parent your younger child needs you to be. You did the best you could with what you had and knew - and when you knew/had better you did better. That is ALL that you can demand from yourself - and it is okay to forgive yourself for mistakes. When your son was in kindergarten there was a LOT in the news about entire towns who put every boy or evey child of a single parent on medication for adhd or whatever. So it wasn't entirely nuts to think that the school was wanting to medicate him simply to make him fit the mold. Now you likely know it might have helped, but you will NEVER be sure. Don't torture yourself over it - there are a LOT of people who have done everything humanly possible in the way of testing, medications, therapies, placements, etc... and they STILL have kids who are behaving like your son. PLEASE work to be gentle with yourself, to let go of the guilt as much as possible. Those of us who did everything in the way of testing and have kids who still are difficult children doing difficult child things also torture ourselves thinking we could have/ should have done something to make this different. It is HARD to realize we just are not that powerful. It isn't up to us to change this, and largely we did not create or cause it. If we could have made it better for our kids, we would have. But we couldn't, and you couldn't either. A therapist can really help with this. You can learn to detach and let him be responsible for his own choices and life. it isn't easy, but it is possible. You CAN have a happy life, and come to be at peace with yourself. REad up on detachment here as it will help. The Serentiy Prayer is also very helpful (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.). As your child is using drugs (using alcohol almost always goes with that), check out some AlAnon and/or NarcAnon meetings. The support you get there will be incredible and eye opening. Addiction is a family problem and this is one good way to begin to heal from it. Even though he isn't living iwth you, attending meetings can help you come to peace with the past and the future. It can also help you to be a better parent to your younger child. It may even be helpful for your younger child to attend AlaTeen meetings - meetings for kid with a family member who is hooked on a substance. Your younger child can learn that it isn't/wasn't his fault, and that he doesn't have to make those choices and can choose to not continue the patterns of behavior that come from addiction in the family. LOTS of hugs. In many ways what you are dealing with is harder than what many of us are dealing with. You are at the point where all you can do is watch from the sidelines - and that is HARD. [/QUOTE]
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