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ODD, the teen years
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<blockquote data-quote="hopeful" data-source="post: 97132" data-attributes="member: 4311"><p>We are experiencing the same situation. The variation being that at 14 she "ranaway" (she had disappeared on a regular basis prior to this, 5 days being the longest - I always called the cops, once they picked her up the 5 day time, because the last we heard she was sitting at a busstop coming home and then disappeared)to live with a friend and his father "she wanted to be with people who liked her for who she was". After two years of trauma like I described above (including drugs, sex and alcohol) I was bankrupt. I had lost my job earlier that year due to downsizing and the pressure of all of it was too much, additionally, her older brother had come to the family and admitted to a drug problem (he is in recovery and doing well!) so I fell apart. She was gone for two months, lost about 10 pounds, did god knows what and in Canada if she is 14 I can do nothing about it. I went to the top of the social services system and demanded they help us, reluctantly they did, due mostly to her conduct disorder clinician speaking up regularly. She called to come home 3 weeks ago. She is abiding by the rules, checking in and coming home, the partying has stopped except the occasionally pot smoking (I suspect, she is careful to try and conceal this) and we are slowly rebuilding. She wants to go back to school but this is a challenge, she is two years behind and her reputation precedes her. After the psyc program we will go to the appropriate Special Education program and get her caught up. </p><p></p><p>My dilema has been and always will be... no matter how I educate, teachers and community orgs they always come back with "whats happening at home, do you have drug,alcohol, abuse issues?" I have to retell my story, our hard work, love and devotion to a cynical audience and it is exhausting. I feel so shamed as a parent. When her brother admitted his problem I thought I was going to die. I feel/felt like such a loser. I know I have gone the whole 10 yards and think in the end it will be okay but societies view of childrens mental health issues being "the parents fault" is really hard to handle. I've met many really good families, parents, together and alone, who are doing the right things, working hard, educating and improving and we are all tarnished with this brush. It is a spirit drain. </p><p></p><p>Yes, we got a divorce, and yes her father is an absentee parent but we did not abuse, traumatize or neglect her. We worked hard most of her life together and then seperately to make her feel safe, loved and respected. No one seems to address the impact that she has on us! I cried every morning until she was 11 because just getting her to school was so challenging. We had healthy boundaries, consequences and escalated everything as much as we could. She mostly didn't care... In grade 8 she made friends for the first time in her life and they were not the kind of kids that I wanted in our life. Thats when the terror began. </p><p></p><p>She really seems to want to change that now. I like to think it is because of all the hard work we did, that somehow our morals, values and vision were instilled and that she will be okay. Thats where I am now... lol whew...</p><p></p><p>Anyhow, thanx for listening.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hopeful, post: 97132, member: 4311"] We are experiencing the same situation. The variation being that at 14 she "ranaway" (she had disappeared on a regular basis prior to this, 5 days being the longest - I always called the cops, once they picked her up the 5 day time, because the last we heard she was sitting at a busstop coming home and then disappeared)to live with a friend and his father "she wanted to be with people who liked her for who she was". After two years of trauma like I described above (including drugs, sex and alcohol) I was bankrupt. I had lost my job earlier that year due to downsizing and the pressure of all of it was too much, additionally, her older brother had come to the family and admitted to a drug problem (he is in recovery and doing well!) so I fell apart. She was gone for two months, lost about 10 pounds, did god knows what and in Canada if she is 14 I can do nothing about it. I went to the top of the social services system and demanded they help us, reluctantly they did, due mostly to her conduct disorder clinician speaking up regularly. She called to come home 3 weeks ago. She is abiding by the rules, checking in and coming home, the partying has stopped except the occasionally pot smoking (I suspect, she is careful to try and conceal this) and we are slowly rebuilding. She wants to go back to school but this is a challenge, she is two years behind and her reputation precedes her. After the psyc program we will go to the appropriate Special Education program and get her caught up. My dilema has been and always will be... no matter how I educate, teachers and community orgs they always come back with "whats happening at home, do you have drug,alcohol, abuse issues?" I have to retell my story, our hard work, love and devotion to a cynical audience and it is exhausting. I feel so shamed as a parent. When her brother admitted his problem I thought I was going to die. I feel/felt like such a loser. I know I have gone the whole 10 yards and think in the end it will be okay but societies view of childrens mental health issues being "the parents fault" is really hard to handle. I've met many really good families, parents, together and alone, who are doing the right things, working hard, educating and improving and we are all tarnished with this brush. It is a spirit drain. Yes, we got a divorce, and yes her father is an absentee parent but we did not abuse, traumatize or neglect her. We worked hard most of her life together and then seperately to make her feel safe, loved and respected. No one seems to address the impact that she has on us! I cried every morning until she was 11 because just getting her to school was so challenging. We had healthy boundaries, consequences and escalated everything as much as we could. She mostly didn't care... In grade 8 she made friends for the first time in her life and they were not the kind of kids that I wanted in our life. Thats when the terror began. She really seems to want to change that now. I like to think it is because of all the hard work we did, that somehow our morals, values and vision were instilled and that she will be okay. Thats where I am now... lol whew... Anyhow, thanx for listening. [/QUOTE]
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