Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Offer Has Been Made
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="mrsammler" data-source="post: 393639"><p>Lisa,</p><p></p><p>I thank you for your forebearance and patience in reply to my post. And I do understand the legal complexities and need to ensure that, if an extraction is done, it must be legally and administratively airtight and irreversible. I get that. I suppose my dominant message is one of nearly overwhelming frustration, which you obviously share, at the horror of this situation for your grandchildren.</p><p></p><p>A brief bit of background about me so that you can understand where I'm coming from. Many in this forum have spoken honestly and even with humor about their own backgrounds as difficult children at one time, and it is incredibly heartening to learn that they were able, quite obviously via reading their posts here, to overcome that time in their lives and become sober, mature, and responsible adults. When I was 18 and 19, I went badly haywire and got into drugs and decadence and a kind of strange fascination with what I'll call the underworld--i.e., southern collegiate and then (after I had lost a whopping scholarship and flunked out of college) home-town druggieness and hard partying and decadence. For about 2 years I worried my parents sick and fell from a great height--top of my class, National Merit Scholar, varsity tennis player at an expensive private college on full scholarship--to a great depth--hometown loser, pot-smoker and buyer, partier, skirt-chaser and wastrel. I embarrassed my parents enormously and lost every shred of my former prospect and luster as promising young man in my town. But I was never violent, never a thief, never an addict, never heartless in my conduct toward others except in terms of trashing my reputation and that of my family. All the while I was doing this, I knew full well that I was plummeting, that I was a disgrace, and I felt awful about it, constantly, although I put up a brave, even cheerful and roguish front. But after a year and a half of this murk and mire, I "came to" and enlisted in the Army, and that utterly saved me--it taught me discipline and restored my sense of pride and belief in my own capabilities, and when I finished my 3-year enlistment I returned to the same private college where I had gone haywire (my father called it "returning to the scene of the crime") and made straight-As, again on full academic scholarship, and while life has had its ups and downs since then, my life has been something I can feel OK about, for the most part, ever since. I write this in the living room of my condo in a high rise in Chicago, overlooking the river near the heart of the Loop. Not a perfect life, by any means, but I have emerged from the abyss of my life in '81-'82, thanks in large part to the maturation of my Army years, largely untorn and mostly contented.</p><p></p><p>A year and a half ago I was laid off from a cushy corporate job in the Loop at exactly the same time that my younger sister pled with me to come help her--read: protect her and her younger son--deal with her older 17-year-old son, whose violence and drug-obsession and decadence and amorality were making her life a living hell. I rented out my condo and moved in with her family of 3 (her husband had died suddenly of cancer in '06, so there was no man in the house) and for 15 months I helped her deal with what was once my favorite nephew, who was/is now an outright sociopath. No doubt about it--like your Katie, he has every earmark in dramatic abundance. It was a transformative experience for me: I learned to accept hopelessness about a person I had formerly loved. I had multiple fistfights with him. The police came and went many times; I never pressed charges at having been assaulted, and they never accepted his attempts to charge me for having defended myself and my sister and younger nephew from his many attempted assaults. It was horrific. And I learned one inarguable truth from it all: with a psychopath, it never ends. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. All you can do is vacate the tunnel and never look back. The psychopath will never change, and yes, it can only end in 1 of 3 ways: the graveyard, the prison, or the trailer park. There is no fourth way.</p><p></p><p>I have been clear of that experience for 5 months now. The emotional hangover is huge--it has taken me all of this time, even contentedly reemployed and back in Chicago since early July, to get even remotely free of the nearly constant worrying and concern about the situation I left behind there. (It didn't end well--my sister remains in huge denial and is a complete and indulgent enabler, a rich woman who coddles the very monster in her house who devours her and her younger son's lives. I had to leave, and the leaving was not pretty--she and I will probably never speak again.)</p><p></p><p>That was only 15 months of exposure to a family psychopath. My own period of waywardness was only about a year and a half, and it was stupid, foolish, immature waywardness--not psychopathy. So I can not begin to imagine what these decades have been like for you. You have nothing but my awed respect for what you have endured, and my complete compassion.</p><p></p><p>If my sister would let me, I would fly back to NC tomorrow and "airlift" her younger son out of there and bring him here to live with me in Chicago. I can afford it and I would love to do it. Even though he lives in affluence, he needs to be rescued. But she won't let me, and in fact despises me for "calling out" her older son's psychopathy and addressing it directly and candidly. So my hands are tied there, and all I can do is observe it all sadly, from a distance.</p><p></p><p>Is there a family member with some financial means who can help you? It's always embarrassing to ask for financial help, but what you need it is a war chest for a good lawyer. Given that, you could simply wrest the children from Katie and let your attorney tell your story to a judge--there's not a judge in the land who wouldn't bend spoons to see things your way. And Katie and M can not possibly hire an attorney--and in fact I very much doubt that they have the will and grit to put up a fight in the face of a potent and well-armed legal challenge regarding custody of your grandchildren.</p><p></p><p>What you need, I think, is a lump of cash to fund such an effort. Is there a comfortable benefactor in your family or among your friends, or a church emergency fund overseen by an understanding clergyman? If not, can you see an attorney, preferably gratis if it's a friend of the family or community, who can offer some free legal advice?</p><p></p><p>Forgive me for rambling. I wanted you to know that I understand some of this fairly well, via my own story and that of my sister and her story. And that one can emerge from this sort of crisis whole and healthy, either on one's own or with the help of others. You don't have to feel so alone--which is, of course, the great merit of this forum. But I mean financially and materially alone--it doesn't have to be like that. Most families and/or communities will circle the wagons around people like you in circumstances like these, if you can find the right people to ask.</p><p></p><p>Again, godspeed to you. Believe me, if I were your brother, I'd've already been there to help, with a lawyer in tow. Find the help you need, and then deploy it. Frankly, Katie and M need to know that they can and will be defeated, and on the very front that they can least afford to contest: financially. In court. Dealing with lawyers.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mrsammler, post: 393639"] Lisa, I thank you for your forebearance and patience in reply to my post. And I do understand the legal complexities and need to ensure that, if an extraction is done, it must be legally and administratively airtight and irreversible. I get that. I suppose my dominant message is one of nearly overwhelming frustration, which you obviously share, at the horror of this situation for your grandchildren. A brief bit of background about me so that you can understand where I'm coming from. Many in this forum have spoken honestly and even with humor about their own backgrounds as difficult children at one time, and it is incredibly heartening to learn that they were able, quite obviously via reading their posts here, to overcome that time in their lives and become sober, mature, and responsible adults. When I was 18 and 19, I went badly haywire and got into drugs and decadence and a kind of strange fascination with what I'll call the underworld--i.e., southern collegiate and then (after I had lost a whopping scholarship and flunked out of college) home-town druggieness and hard partying and decadence. For about 2 years I worried my parents sick and fell from a great height--top of my class, National Merit Scholar, varsity tennis player at an expensive private college on full scholarship--to a great depth--hometown loser, pot-smoker and buyer, partier, skirt-chaser and wastrel. I embarrassed my parents enormously and lost every shred of my former prospect and luster as promising young man in my town. But I was never violent, never a thief, never an addict, never heartless in my conduct toward others except in terms of trashing my reputation and that of my family. All the while I was doing this, I knew full well that I was plummeting, that I was a disgrace, and I felt awful about it, constantly, although I put up a brave, even cheerful and roguish front. But after a year and a half of this murk and mire, I "came to" and enlisted in the Army, and that utterly saved me--it taught me discipline and restored my sense of pride and belief in my own capabilities, and when I finished my 3-year enlistment I returned to the same private college where I had gone haywire (my father called it "returning to the scene of the crime") and made straight-As, again on full academic scholarship, and while life has had its ups and downs since then, my life has been something I can feel OK about, for the most part, ever since. I write this in the living room of my condo in a high rise in Chicago, overlooking the river near the heart of the Loop. Not a perfect life, by any means, but I have emerged from the abyss of my life in '81-'82, thanks in large part to the maturation of my Army years, largely untorn and mostly contented. A year and a half ago I was laid off from a cushy corporate job in the Loop at exactly the same time that my younger sister pled with me to come help her--read: protect her and her younger son--deal with her older 17-year-old son, whose violence and drug-obsession and decadence and amorality were making her life a living hell. I rented out my condo and moved in with her family of 3 (her husband had died suddenly of cancer in '06, so there was no man in the house) and for 15 months I helped her deal with what was once my favorite nephew, who was/is now an outright sociopath. No doubt about it--like your Katie, he has every earmark in dramatic abundance. It was a transformative experience for me: I learned to accept hopelessness about a person I had formerly loved. I had multiple fistfights with him. The police came and went many times; I never pressed charges at having been assaulted, and they never accepted his attempts to charge me for having defended myself and my sister and younger nephew from his many attempted assaults. It was horrific. And I learned one inarguable truth from it all: with a psychopath, it never ends. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. All you can do is vacate the tunnel and never look back. The psychopath will never change, and yes, it can only end in 1 of 3 ways: the graveyard, the prison, or the trailer park. There is no fourth way. I have been clear of that experience for 5 months now. The emotional hangover is huge--it has taken me all of this time, even contentedly reemployed and back in Chicago since early July, to get even remotely free of the nearly constant worrying and concern about the situation I left behind there. (It didn't end well--my sister remains in huge denial and is a complete and indulgent enabler, a rich woman who coddles the very monster in her house who devours her and her younger son's lives. I had to leave, and the leaving was not pretty--she and I will probably never speak again.) That was only 15 months of exposure to a family psychopath. My own period of waywardness was only about a year and a half, and it was stupid, foolish, immature waywardness--not psychopathy. So I can not begin to imagine what these decades have been like for you. You have nothing but my awed respect for what you have endured, and my complete compassion. If my sister would let me, I would fly back to NC tomorrow and "airlift" her younger son out of there and bring him here to live with me in Chicago. I can afford it and I would love to do it. Even though he lives in affluence, he needs to be rescued. But she won't let me, and in fact despises me for "calling out" her older son's psychopathy and addressing it directly and candidly. So my hands are tied there, and all I can do is observe it all sadly, from a distance. Is there a family member with some financial means who can help you? It's always embarrassing to ask for financial help, but what you need it is a war chest for a good lawyer. Given that, you could simply wrest the children from Katie and let your attorney tell your story to a judge--there's not a judge in the land who wouldn't bend spoons to see things your way. And Katie and M can not possibly hire an attorney--and in fact I very much doubt that they have the will and grit to put up a fight in the face of a potent and well-armed legal challenge regarding custody of your grandchildren. What you need, I think, is a lump of cash to fund such an effort. Is there a comfortable benefactor in your family or among your friends, or a church emergency fund overseen by an understanding clergyman? If not, can you see an attorney, preferably gratis if it's a friend of the family or community, who can offer some free legal advice? Forgive me for rambling. I wanted you to know that I understand some of this fairly well, via my own story and that of my sister and her story. And that one can emerge from this sort of crisis whole and healthy, either on one's own or with the help of others. You don't have to feel so alone--which is, of course, the great merit of this forum. But I mean financially and materially alone--it doesn't have to be like that. Most families and/or communities will circle the wagons around people like you in circumstances like these, if you can find the right people to ask. Again, godspeed to you. Believe me, if I were your brother, I'd've already been there to help, with a lawyer in tow. Find the help you need, and then deploy it. Frankly, Katie and M need to know that they can and will be defeated, and on the very front that they can least afford to contest: financially. In court. Dealing with lawyers. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Offer Has Been Made
Top