Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
ok i give......i need some serious advice
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 132816" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Jen,</p><p></p><p>back down on a lot of things. You're getting nowhere anyway, so the more you try to assert authority - and fail - the worse it gets. Better to not engage, than engage and lose.</p><p></p><p>School issues - leave them with school. Tell the school that you're done, her refusal to do schoolwork is not a home issue, it is difficult child's problem and not yours. While ever you're nagging her to do stuff, it's not her that's achieving anything, it's your nagging. So nothing she therefore does, is worth anything (to her).</p><p></p><p>Of course, this can cut both ways - if she is to remain in the house and expect you to feed her and clothe her, she has certain rules to comply with. You choose those rules, as long as they're compatible with the expectations you would have of a flatmate. These rules are based on consideration for others in the house - taking turns with various tasks such as laundry, cooking; making sure you tell whoever is cooking diner that you will be home (or not); contributing financially (or if unable to, then doing chores to make up for it); putting dirty laundry where it has been requested to be put or accepting that laundry otherwise won't get done. You get the picture.</p><p></p><p>If she goes out and you have heard nothing about whether she will be home for dinner, then don't include her in your plans. If her laundry doesn't get put where it's supposed to, then don't wash it. Stop doing things for her, unless she does things for you.</p><p></p><p>Academically - sit down with her and ask her what she wants to do in life. What is she aiming for? Then workshop with her, how to get where she wants to be. Wanna be a rock star? Then go audition for "Idol". In the meantime, work at it, practice, get lessons, go to auditions, write some music, learn an instrument, find a band... get my drift? Wanna be a fashion designer? Then get out that pencil and draw. Learn to sew. Draft patterns. Make a few test garments, see if friends want to buy them.</p><p></p><p>Whatever she says she wants to do, accept it as her serious choice and work with her on how to achieve it.</p><p>Wanna be an axe murderer? OK honey, but it is a limited field, there are not many in the world who achieved more than one or two murders. You might need a fall-back option here. But first, you need to learn how to sharpen an axe. Maybe get in some practice on chopping wood. Get on the computer and do a Google search, find out if there are any countries which still practice beheading as death sentence, apply to those countries as an executioner to get some practice in.</p><p>Hmm, maybe we need to re-think this one.</p><p></p><p>You get my drift Jen? Humour her, because some of the first suggestions are going to be deliberately ridiculous. But the process of thinking it through may make her laugh - make you both laugh, and I think you both need it. </p><p></p><p>When my middle two kids finished school I made it clear - do a course, or get a job. I didn't care what course, I didn't care what job. What I wanted from them was to learn a work ethic. So easy child 2/difficult child 2 found a French course. difficult child 1 did a course working with animals, then the next year did a Japanese course. He couldn't get paid work so I got him a volunteer job.</p><p></p><p>If your difficult child wants to throw in the towel with school, make it clear that she can't plan on lying around all day, she has to be productive. But she can choose.</p><p></p><p>Maybe giving her some choice, some sense of control back in her life, might help her see a sense of direction. I get the feeling that at the moment she's lost her way.</p><p></p><p>And don't worry about the hair. It's done now. Let her work it out for herself, that it looks ugly. Unless it looks good - in which case, tell her.</p><p></p><p>But you are parenting an individual who has her own strong views. If you clash, chances are you will lose. And that's not good.</p><p></p><p>It's better to steer, than push.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 132816, member: 1991"] Jen, back down on a lot of things. You're getting nowhere anyway, so the more you try to assert authority - and fail - the worse it gets. Better to not engage, than engage and lose. School issues - leave them with school. Tell the school that you're done, her refusal to do schoolwork is not a home issue, it is difficult child's problem and not yours. While ever you're nagging her to do stuff, it's not her that's achieving anything, it's your nagging. So nothing she therefore does, is worth anything (to her). Of course, this can cut both ways - if she is to remain in the house and expect you to feed her and clothe her, she has certain rules to comply with. You choose those rules, as long as they're compatible with the expectations you would have of a flatmate. These rules are based on consideration for others in the house - taking turns with various tasks such as laundry, cooking; making sure you tell whoever is cooking diner that you will be home (or not); contributing financially (or if unable to, then doing chores to make up for it); putting dirty laundry where it has been requested to be put or accepting that laundry otherwise won't get done. You get the picture. If she goes out and you have heard nothing about whether she will be home for dinner, then don't include her in your plans. If her laundry doesn't get put where it's supposed to, then don't wash it. Stop doing things for her, unless she does things for you. Academically - sit down with her and ask her what she wants to do in life. What is she aiming for? Then workshop with her, how to get where she wants to be. Wanna be a rock star? Then go audition for "Idol". In the meantime, work at it, practice, get lessons, go to auditions, write some music, learn an instrument, find a band... get my drift? Wanna be a fashion designer? Then get out that pencil and draw. Learn to sew. Draft patterns. Make a few test garments, see if friends want to buy them. Whatever she says she wants to do, accept it as her serious choice and work with her on how to achieve it. Wanna be an axe murderer? OK honey, but it is a limited field, there are not many in the world who achieved more than one or two murders. You might need a fall-back option here. But first, you need to learn how to sharpen an axe. Maybe get in some practice on chopping wood. Get on the computer and do a Google search, find out if there are any countries which still practice beheading as death sentence, apply to those countries as an executioner to get some practice in. Hmm, maybe we need to re-think this one. You get my drift Jen? Humour her, because some of the first suggestions are going to be deliberately ridiculous. But the process of thinking it through may make her laugh - make you both laugh, and I think you both need it. When my middle two kids finished school I made it clear - do a course, or get a job. I didn't care what course, I didn't care what job. What I wanted from them was to learn a work ethic. So easy child 2/difficult child 2 found a French course. difficult child 1 did a course working with animals, then the next year did a Japanese course. He couldn't get paid work so I got him a volunteer job. If your difficult child wants to throw in the towel with school, make it clear that she can't plan on lying around all day, she has to be productive. But she can choose. Maybe giving her some choice, some sense of control back in her life, might help her see a sense of direction. I get the feeling that at the moment she's lost her way. And don't worry about the hair. It's done now. Let her work it out for herself, that it looks ugly. Unless it looks good - in which case, tell her. But you are parenting an individual who has her own strong views. If you clash, chances are you will lose. And that's not good. It's better to steer, than push. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
ok i give......i need some serious advice
Top