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ok i give......i need some serious advice
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 133214" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I hear you about the boyfriend, Jen. So the next best thing - let her see him when she wants, but UNDER YOUR ROOF. Be polite to him as you would to a house guest, don't treat him like a naughty child and try to not think about S - E - X. Just as kids hate to think about their parents "doing IT". And if ever a kid tries to shock you by talking about their sex life in front of you, you have the ultimate weapon - describe their conception, in great detail. Or just threaten to. Or even get husband in to re-enact it (or threaten to).</p><p>Kids like to think they invented sex, it really breaks that romantic notion when confronted with the reality that their grandparents must have been doing it too.</p><p></p><p>The ultimate scare tactic for a kid, is to be caught by her parents, mid-grapple with her boyfriend, and have the parents say, "Don't forget to put the trash out when you're done, will you?"</p><p>And on a protective note - I agree with the need for the depo shot, BYW, if you can't trust a kid to be Pill-compliant - you also need to protect your daughter from UTIs. When a girl becomes sexually active, there are certain adult responsibilities that go hand in hand with this, and one of them is looking after her health and her partner's health. Hygiene is important, for both; if he is not clean enough, it increases her risk of various infections. A Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) (urinary tract infection) can be prevented with good hygiene, drinking plenty of fluids and EMPTYING HER BLADDER COMPLETELY WITHIN FIFTEEN MINUTES OF SEX. It's something the doctors forget to tell a woman, a lot of the time.</p><p>So walking past a teen couple making out, and saying, "Don't forget to empty your bladder when you're done, I don't want to have to rush to the emergency room in 36 hours just because YOU didn't look after yourself," can be a real turn-off.</p><p>And for a guy, having her parents so apparently OK with it can really rattle his confidence. No longer is he having to "take her away from all this repression," but instead has to accept that some people are perhaps more experienced and more welcoming that he can handle. it's like the kids throw themselves at the door, only to find it is already open wide.</p><p></p><p>If a girl is going to have sex with a guy, it's her decision. Unless you put a chastity belt on her (and I think they are illegal now in most countries) then you can not prevent. All you can do is equip her, to the best of your ability, and ensure that wherever they go, they are safe.</p><p></p><p>I grew up with an attitude of "not under my roof, kid," pervading all my friends and family. The outcome was a high rate of relationships consummated in the back seat of cars (sometimes with onlookers); in student digs (loaded with fleas and other vermin); on rough ground somewhere in the cold (one friend said she got splinters in her back from the floor in the abandoned warehouse); on a sandy beach (sand - need I say more?).</p><p>A couple "in congress" are at risk of attack, they are vulnerable in so many ways. husband & I decided that we did not want our daughters to increase their vulnerability; they certainly weren't going to be put off by it because they didn't really realise at the time. Instead, we never prevented it "under our roof". We did try for a while then realised how ridiculous it was, having one or other of us lying on the floor outside the girls' bedroom. I mean, as soon as we left the house to go to work, or as soon as THEY left the house to catch a train, they were out of our sight and able to sneak off somewhere.</p><p></p><p>As far as sex is concerned though, we do have rules - serial monogamy. No cheating allowed, because we have to deal with the outraged cuckold and we don't deserve to be dragged in to THAT one.</p><p></p><p>And about being kind to the boyfriend - it keeps her at home. There is NO excuse for having to get away from the house if he is welcome. it also gives him a chance to learn about how your family functions, and to even become a part of it (which gives you a chance to maybe influence him for the better).</p><p></p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2's ex-boyfriend was a sad case. He had no normal family, his mother is - I don't know what, other than a rotten mother who seemed to forget she had a son to look after. Somewhere inside that boy was the five year old kid still waiting for mummy to come home and make his dinner. Unfortunately, he put easy child 2/difficult child 2 on the mummy pedestal, and then began to blame her for what was wrong in his life. Until he is able to sort out his own mind and his relationship with his mother, he will not be able to have a stable relationship, I predict. easy child 2/difficult child 2 never wants to see him again, which is going to be difficult since difficult child 1 wants her ex-boyfriend, his best friend, at his wedding.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with this one. It's not easy to step back and refuse to engage, but if you succeed it can be so freeing. You're also getting your child faster onto the path of independence. yes, they will make mistakes, but as long as you can still talk to each other enough to show her the way through, it is better than you doing it all for her and her screaming at you in resentment.</p><p></p><p>It's very zen. It's also very "Explosive Child". Read the book. it probably explains things better than I can.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 133214, member: 1991"] I hear you about the boyfriend, Jen. So the next best thing - let her see him when she wants, but UNDER YOUR ROOF. Be polite to him as you would to a house guest, don't treat him like a naughty child and try to not think about S - E - X. Just as kids hate to think about their parents "doing IT". And if ever a kid tries to shock you by talking about their sex life in front of you, you have the ultimate weapon - describe their conception, in great detail. Or just threaten to. Or even get husband in to re-enact it (or threaten to). Kids like to think they invented sex, it really breaks that romantic notion when confronted with the reality that their grandparents must have been doing it too. The ultimate scare tactic for a kid, is to be caught by her parents, mid-grapple with her boyfriend, and have the parents say, "Don't forget to put the trash out when you're done, will you?" And on a protective note - I agree with the need for the depo shot, BYW, if you can't trust a kid to be Pill-compliant - you also need to protect your daughter from UTIs. When a girl becomes sexually active, there are certain adult responsibilities that go hand in hand with this, and one of them is looking after her health and her partner's health. Hygiene is important, for both; if he is not clean enough, it increases her risk of various infections. A Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) (urinary tract infection) can be prevented with good hygiene, drinking plenty of fluids and EMPTYING HER BLADDER COMPLETELY WITHIN FIFTEEN MINUTES OF SEX. It's something the doctors forget to tell a woman, a lot of the time. So walking past a teen couple making out, and saying, "Don't forget to empty your bladder when you're done, I don't want to have to rush to the emergency room in 36 hours just because YOU didn't look after yourself," can be a real turn-off. And for a guy, having her parents so apparently OK with it can really rattle his confidence. No longer is he having to "take her away from all this repression," but instead has to accept that some people are perhaps more experienced and more welcoming that he can handle. it's like the kids throw themselves at the door, only to find it is already open wide. If a girl is going to have sex with a guy, it's her decision. Unless you put a chastity belt on her (and I think they are illegal now in most countries) then you can not prevent. All you can do is equip her, to the best of your ability, and ensure that wherever they go, they are safe. I grew up with an attitude of "not under my roof, kid," pervading all my friends and family. The outcome was a high rate of relationships consummated in the back seat of cars (sometimes with onlookers); in student digs (loaded with fleas and other vermin); on rough ground somewhere in the cold (one friend said she got splinters in her back from the floor in the abandoned warehouse); on a sandy beach (sand - need I say more?). A couple "in congress" are at risk of attack, they are vulnerable in so many ways. husband & I decided that we did not want our daughters to increase their vulnerability; they certainly weren't going to be put off by it because they didn't really realise at the time. Instead, we never prevented it "under our roof". We did try for a while then realised how ridiculous it was, having one or other of us lying on the floor outside the girls' bedroom. I mean, as soon as we left the house to go to work, or as soon as THEY left the house to catch a train, they were out of our sight and able to sneak off somewhere. As far as sex is concerned though, we do have rules - serial monogamy. No cheating allowed, because we have to deal with the outraged cuckold and we don't deserve to be dragged in to THAT one. And about being kind to the boyfriend - it keeps her at home. There is NO excuse for having to get away from the house if he is welcome. it also gives him a chance to learn about how your family functions, and to even become a part of it (which gives you a chance to maybe influence him for the better). easy child 2/difficult child 2's ex-boyfriend was a sad case. He had no normal family, his mother is - I don't know what, other than a rotten mother who seemed to forget she had a son to look after. Somewhere inside that boy was the five year old kid still waiting for mummy to come home and make his dinner. Unfortunately, he put easy child 2/difficult child 2 on the mummy pedestal, and then began to blame her for what was wrong in his life. Until he is able to sort out his own mind and his relationship with his mother, he will not be able to have a stable relationship, I predict. easy child 2/difficult child 2 never wants to see him again, which is going to be difficult since difficult child 1 wants her ex-boyfriend, his best friend, at his wedding. Good luck with this one. It's not easy to step back and refuse to engage, but if you succeed it can be so freeing. You're also getting your child faster onto the path of independence. yes, they will make mistakes, but as long as you can still talk to each other enough to show her the way through, it is better than you doing it all for her and her screaming at you in resentment. It's very zen. It's also very "Explosive Child". Read the book. it probably explains things better than I can. Marg [/QUOTE]
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