Sorry it isn't going well this week. Somehow it seems to be worse when a holiday is involved.
Often you have read here and I'm sure in your independent studies
that expecting quick results is setting yourself up for pain. I
personally believe that the parents have to evolve into their own
point of acceptance. Your wife is struggling in a Mom way this
week. Most of us have said or done similar things and/or asked
similar questions because we just can't believe that "our" kids
no longer feel as they used to. It takes awhile to accept that.
When easy child/difficult child was invited to leave a fine program in Orlando I was
beyond heartsick. I said to one of the counselors who had a particular connection with our son, "thank you for all you have
done for difficult child, my husband and I are just so eager to get our son
back". He sat down next to me on the sofa and reached for my
hand. He said "Mrs. difficult child you and your husband have loved and provided for difficult child every day of his 15 years. That son is gone. Do
not expect to ever get your son back. He can end up being a fine
man someday but he will never, ever be the boy you raised so don't expect it." I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed in the shower
after we were home and difficult child was happily in his bed. I decided that the counselor just didn't know our kid as well as we did.
Our son loved us to death (and still does), our son never said a
bad word to us or about us, our son was gifted in academics and
in athletics, our son had impeccable manners.
That counselor was right. None of us here have ever gotten
"our" sons back. They are gone and the trick is to try to keep the wonderful memories...and then...try to help the new kid in your kids skin get as well as possible. Even if he never smokes
again...your little boy will never be home again.
I'm sorry. DDD
