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OMG, his plan is to return here...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 657566" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>When you are feeling stronger, this will be a good place, that core of guilt place, to begin the healing you need to do, now. Everything changes all the time, everything does. You are remembering the awful way it felt last time. We have posted on the site about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. <em>We have that. All the parents come to the ends of their coping skills and trying to find some way to do this, we have PTSD. It hits when we find out things have changed. </em>The horrible feelings of failure, that desperate, circling feeling that there must be something we could do when everything we have done didn't work and the bad thing happened and our child was not safe ~ that all comes back.</p><p></p><p>And I think that place is where you are now.</p><p></p><p>But those feelings you are feeling are from another time, blackgnat. They are from a time that is over and done, and they cannot help or teach or soothe you, now. But sometimes, if we can name where we are, we can disregard those things that are not going to help us cope <em>now.</em></p><p></p><p><em>This is a tool-box thing to know. </em>Recovering Enabler named this place: FOG. Just to know I am in the FOG, just to know where I am, helps me recover my sane mind, my place to stand up from.</p><p></p><p>You can do this, blackgnat. You are doing it.</p><p></p><p>Good, good job.</p><p></p><p>"That is just FOG."</p><p>"That is just my guilt."</p><p>"That is just my suffering."</p><p></p><p>That is what Child of Mine means when she tells us to just sit with the feeling. Name it if you can, and just be there, having it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And sometimes the things that seem almost impossibly coincidental can be seen as everyday miracles. You did not arrange these things to escape your son. Your conscience is clear. Bless yourself and do it.</p><p></p><p>And remember to bless yourself again and again as you do it. There is nothing about what we are trying to do, about what we are somehow trying to put right with and for our children, that is easy or simple or clear.</p><p></p><p>Hearts in our throats, we are flying by the seats of our pants.</p><p></p><p>But I will say this: Your son's intention is to get back into your home. He will use your mother love, will hurt you with that courageous thing that is now a vulnerability, to get that thing that he wants.</p><p></p><p>Not his fault. Integrity is the first thing to go, in addiction. Empathy goes next. (That is just a Cedarism. I don't know that it's true.)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Or you could be blocking it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>YES.</p><p></p><p>That would be giving in to those feelings that you will be a bad person if you do not help him. You are a good person, blackgnat; a good mother. What is bad here is the situation your son is in, and that you love him so much that it tears you apart to know he suffers.</p><p></p><p>But that is the truth of it. Helping him in this way will not help him. You will suffer <em>but you can do this, blackgnat.</em> We can learn to just see that we suffer. That's it. Just see and acknowledge and bless yourself for the strength it takes to get through it, to know what you know about suffering now and still, somehow, cherish your own life.</p><p></p><p>A cup of hot tea or a glass of wine or a warm, beautifully scented bath and a deep, solid hug to hold you over will be better for you than a good shaking. If you can do the tea or wine or bath part?</p><p></p><p>We have those good, solid, centering hugs in such abundance for you, blackgnat.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When other parents have done for my children what I have had to battle with myself not to do, I feel so ashamed. Their stepping up for my child leaves me doubting the validity of detachment parenting, and I become aware again of how awful it feels to turn away from someone who needs ~ desperately needs ~ help.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening, sorry you have to know what this feels like, too.</p><p></p><p>But detachment parenting does seem to have been the right thing for both my children. Though it feels like betrayal and looks that way too, to relatives or friends or the strangers they tell about me, about who I am, about how they would not be in their positions had I been a better mother...well, I just have to sit with that.</p><p></p><p>Hearts in our mouths, flying by the seats of our pants.</p><p></p><p>Mostly crying.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No. I thought you were asking about the girlfriend mother. Your difficult child tells you what he tells you now because he knows what it will do to you to hear it. He knows, and he is doing it with intent. Stay steady state in the face of it, blackgnat.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for the pain of it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Because we are all in the rabbit hole now, just as Albatross posted for us yesterday. Nothing is as it seems, and the Red Queen is on her way.</p><p></p><p>I am encouraged by your ability to name what you are feeling, blackgnat. I love that you are able to do this now. That is huge.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That's okay, blackgnat. It's not ridiculous, it's really hard. How can we know how to do this when there is no way to do this? There is not one person I know of who can say they know how to parent a child out of an addiction or a mental illness.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing, what is happening to you and your son and your family, blackgnat.</p><p></p><p>You display courage and heart and honesty.</p><p></p><p>Those are good tools.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I did too, back in the beginning. Seemed able to see clearly and know I was right and feel strong. But I lost those things. I think it has to do with losing and losing over time. We lose, not our self-confidence so much, but our whole concept of self as people who could deal correctly with our lives or our children.</p><p></p><p>A vulnerable position for us to be in, for us to have been in.</p><p></p><p>And just for the record here, I will say that there were people in our lives who took advantage of that vulnerability, of that kind of lostness, to practically wet themselves sinking their knives.</p><p></p><p>So be wise, and be wary.</p><p></p><p>I sound like a terrible person here, I get that.</p><p></p><p>But it happened, to me.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>These are fine sentiments, easily spoken but hard to live. She does not know what you know, blackgnat. </p><p></p><p>Pray that she never does.</p><p></p><p>Other moms, people trying so sincerely to comfort us when there is no comfort to be found ~ all these people are innocent humans caught up in something they don't understand, just like we are.</p><p></p><p>Forgive her, wish her well, bless yourself, and let go.</p><p></p><p>Bless yourself for the hardness of this, for the hurt and the puzzlement, and let go.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 657566, member: 17461"] When you are feeling stronger, this will be a good place, that core of guilt place, to begin the healing you need to do, now. Everything changes all the time, everything does. You are remembering the awful way it felt last time. We have posted on the site about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. [I]We have that. All the parents come to the ends of their coping skills and trying to find some way to do this, we have PTSD. It hits when we find out things have changed. [/I]The horrible feelings of failure, that desperate, circling feeling that there must be something we could do when everything we have done didn't work and the bad thing happened and our child was not safe ~ that all comes back. And I think that place is where you are now. But those feelings you are feeling are from another time, blackgnat. They are from a time that is over and done, and they cannot help or teach or soothe you, now. But sometimes, if we can name where we are, we can disregard those things that are not going to help us cope [I]now.[/I] [I]This is a tool-box thing to know. [/I]Recovering Enabler named this place: FOG. Just to know I am in the FOG, just to know where I am, helps me recover my sane mind, my place to stand up from. You can do this, blackgnat. You are doing it. Good, good job. "That is just FOG." "That is just my guilt." "That is just my suffering." That is what Child of Mine means when she tells us to just sit with the feeling. Name it if you can, and just be there, having it. And sometimes the things that seem almost impossibly coincidental can be seen as everyday miracles. You did not arrange these things to escape your son. Your conscience is clear. Bless yourself and do it. And remember to bless yourself again and again as you do it. There is nothing about what we are trying to do, about what we are somehow trying to put right with and for our children, that is easy or simple or clear. Hearts in our throats, we are flying by the seats of our pants. But I will say this: Your son's intention is to get back into your home. He will use your mother love, will hurt you with that courageous thing that is now a vulnerability, to get that thing that he wants. Not his fault. Integrity is the first thing to go, in addiction. Empathy goes next. (That is just a Cedarism. I don't know that it's true.) Or you could be blocking it. YES. That would be giving in to those feelings that you will be a bad person if you do not help him. You are a good person, blackgnat; a good mother. What is bad here is the situation your son is in, and that you love him so much that it tears you apart to know he suffers. But that is the truth of it. Helping him in this way will not help him. You will suffer [I]but you can do this, blackgnat.[/I] We can learn to just see that we suffer. That's it. Just see and acknowledge and bless yourself for the strength it takes to get through it, to know what you know about suffering now and still, somehow, cherish your own life. A cup of hot tea or a glass of wine or a warm, beautifully scented bath and a deep, solid hug to hold you over will be better for you than a good shaking. If you can do the tea or wine or bath part? We have those good, solid, centering hugs in such abundance for you, blackgnat. When other parents have done for my children what I have had to battle with myself not to do, I feel so ashamed. Their stepping up for my child leaves me doubting the validity of detachment parenting, and I become aware again of how awful it feels to turn away from someone who needs ~ desperately needs ~ help. I am sorry this is happening, sorry you have to know what this feels like, too. But detachment parenting does seem to have been the right thing for both my children. Though it feels like betrayal and looks that way too, to relatives or friends or the strangers they tell about me, about who I am, about how they would not be in their positions had I been a better mother...well, I just have to sit with that. Hearts in our mouths, flying by the seats of our pants. Mostly crying. No. I thought you were asking about the girlfriend mother. Your difficult child tells you what he tells you now because he knows what it will do to you to hear it. He knows, and he is doing it with intent. Stay steady state in the face of it, blackgnat. I am sorry for the pain of it. Because we are all in the rabbit hole now, just as Albatross posted for us yesterday. Nothing is as it seems, and the Red Queen is on her way. I am encouraged by your ability to name what you are feeling, blackgnat. I love that you are able to do this now. That is huge. That's okay, blackgnat. It's not ridiculous, it's really hard. How can we know how to do this when there is no way to do this? There is not one person I know of who can say they know how to parent a child out of an addiction or a mental illness. It is a hard thing, what is happening to you and your son and your family, blackgnat. You display courage and heart and honesty. Those are good tools. I did too, back in the beginning. Seemed able to see clearly and know I was right and feel strong. But I lost those things. I think it has to do with losing and losing over time. We lose, not our self-confidence so much, but our whole concept of self as people who could deal correctly with our lives or our children. A vulnerable position for us to be in, for us to have been in. And just for the record here, I will say that there were people in our lives who took advantage of that vulnerability, of that kind of lostness, to practically wet themselves sinking their knives. So be wise, and be wary. I sound like a terrible person here, I get that. But it happened, to me. These are fine sentiments, easily spoken but hard to live. She does not know what you know, blackgnat. Pray that she never does. Other moms, people trying so sincerely to comfort us when there is no comfort to be found ~ all these people are innocent humans caught up in something they don't understand, just like we are. Forgive her, wish her well, bless yourself, and let go. Bless yourself for the hardness of this, for the hurt and the puzzlement, and let go. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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OMG, his plan is to return here...
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