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OMG, I am so tired of his twisted sense of reality--long rant
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<blockquote data-quote="Fran" data-source="post: 380967" data-attributes="member: 3"><p>I hear you feeling so weary. It's exhausting just trying to survive difficult child intensity but it's worse when he is taking advantage of your relationship when husband is away. I agree that his lack of social skills creates problems but he is downright mean and rude to you regardless of the situation. He isn't always angry or upset when he tells you "no" and goes off and especially when he is physically intimidating. If the threats and physical abuse isn't rechanneled or stopped, you are going to have an event that will require police intervention or hospitalization for you. </p><p>I see a mom who is trying very hard to treat her son with kindness and nurturing but having a son who is very dismissive of you. Maybe less effort on your part to accommodate his rudeness and more expectation of some sense of civility. I'm pretty sure "serving" him soup feeds his sense that you are there in service of the king. Dinner is served at the table. He may eat or not but you aren't going to serve him at his throne. He can eat it cold or heat it himself. Eventually, if he doesn't eat with the family at dinner time, then there is no food later. It really has to be done with less emotion. He feeds off or your emotional outbursts. There is a dynamic there that isn't really healthy for you or for him. Treat him as close to what you would treat anyone in his age group. There is no reason to expect him to ignore the dinner instructions. They are reasonable. If he doesn't like vegetables, then he can dig through the soup and eat the bits he wants. Why are you treating him like he is 2? He didn't say he didn't like them?! so he is just acting like a fool. </p><p>What does your son need? He seems to need some boundaries, less emotion and much less accommodation to his rudeness(I didn't say to not accommodate his weaknesses) . If he wants XYZ(dessert or whatever) he must sit at the table. Do to get. If he wants xyz, he must speak in a civilized way at the dinner table. </p><p>Can you, in a moment of cooperation from difficult child, encourage him to help you problem solve. How can you help him to learn to sit at the dinner table and be pleasant? Maybe his distorted thinking and his sense of entitlement(vs. self absorption) will not allow this and he will continue to be a difficult and unpleasant person in your home. </p><p>AS kids/teens/adult tend to be self absorbed but the self entitlement is a learned behavior. </p><p></p><p>He expects you to go off. He gets some sort of pleasure from the emotional outbursts and you may be playing into his hand. I would be doing some self reflection as to why I was allowing myself to behave in a way that I don't like. Early on, I decided that I did not care for who I was becoming in the effort to survive gfgdom. I would feel like I was losing myself in his emotional turmoil. I really did squeeze a lot of the emotion out of it and tried to treat him and have him treat me the way I would expect someone who wasn't a family member treat. Polite, distanced and not a target for bad behavior. </p><p>This isn't to say that there were not some explosive moments from me. I tried very hard to keep them in check because I was teaching him my behavior would reflect his instead of the other way around. </p><p>At a certain age, I did speak to difficult child about "civilized people eat at the table" or "civilized people showered and brushed teeth". I tried to set up what the acceptable behavior was for him to manage in the world. It takes a long time for the teachings to dawn on difficult children. It's slow and gradual. </p><p>You might want to set up some sort of long term goal, set some steps to get to that goal and track his progress or lack of. It helps me to channel my frustration into productive energy. </p><p>My difficult child is still a work in progress. I am not pretending that I have some sort of magic key. I am really addressing how I handled me and improved our home to continue to be a solid loving healthy place to be regardless of difficult child or his emotions. I no longer give him that power over the family unit. There are days when difficult child causes upheaval but our lives do not revolve around whether difficult child is in a good mood or bad mood. If difficult child(at 14) was not acting appropriate, he did not attend the function we were attending. Do to get. He stayed home and sometimes with someone in attendance. Even easy child's create some havoc in the home. I try to be even handed with how I deal with each of them. </p><p></p><p>Your son and my son are not similar except that they didn't seem to have a clue about how to verbalize their needs without being volatile. You can't be volatile with him. </p><p>Hang in there, the weekend is almost over.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fran, post: 380967, member: 3"] I hear you feeling so weary. It's exhausting just trying to survive difficult child intensity but it's worse when he is taking advantage of your relationship when husband is away. I agree that his lack of social skills creates problems but he is downright mean and rude to you regardless of the situation. He isn't always angry or upset when he tells you "no" and goes off and especially when he is physically intimidating. If the threats and physical abuse isn't rechanneled or stopped, you are going to have an event that will require police intervention or hospitalization for you. I see a mom who is trying very hard to treat her son with kindness and nurturing but having a son who is very dismissive of you. Maybe less effort on your part to accommodate his rudeness and more expectation of some sense of civility. I'm pretty sure "serving" him soup feeds his sense that you are there in service of the king. Dinner is served at the table. He may eat or not but you aren't going to serve him at his throne. He can eat it cold or heat it himself. Eventually, if he doesn't eat with the family at dinner time, then there is no food later. It really has to be done with less emotion. He feeds off or your emotional outbursts. There is a dynamic there that isn't really healthy for you or for him. Treat him as close to what you would treat anyone in his age group. There is no reason to expect him to ignore the dinner instructions. They are reasonable. If he doesn't like vegetables, then he can dig through the soup and eat the bits he wants. Why are you treating him like he is 2? He didn't say he didn't like them?! so he is just acting like a fool. What does your son need? He seems to need some boundaries, less emotion and much less accommodation to his rudeness(I didn't say to not accommodate his weaknesses) . If he wants XYZ(dessert or whatever) he must sit at the table. Do to get. If he wants xyz, he must speak in a civilized way at the dinner table. Can you, in a moment of cooperation from difficult child, encourage him to help you problem solve. How can you help him to learn to sit at the dinner table and be pleasant? Maybe his distorted thinking and his sense of entitlement(vs. self absorption) will not allow this and he will continue to be a difficult and unpleasant person in your home. AS kids/teens/adult tend to be self absorbed but the self entitlement is a learned behavior. He expects you to go off. He gets some sort of pleasure from the emotional outbursts and you may be playing into his hand. I would be doing some self reflection as to why I was allowing myself to behave in a way that I don't like. Early on, I decided that I did not care for who I was becoming in the effort to survive gfgdom. I would feel like I was losing myself in his emotional turmoil. I really did squeeze a lot of the emotion out of it and tried to treat him and have him treat me the way I would expect someone who wasn't a family member treat. Polite, distanced and not a target for bad behavior. This isn't to say that there were not some explosive moments from me. I tried very hard to keep them in check because I was teaching him my behavior would reflect his instead of the other way around. At a certain age, I did speak to difficult child about "civilized people eat at the table" or "civilized people showered and brushed teeth". I tried to set up what the acceptable behavior was for him to manage in the world. It takes a long time for the teachings to dawn on difficult children. It's slow and gradual. You might want to set up some sort of long term goal, set some steps to get to that goal and track his progress or lack of. It helps me to channel my frustration into productive energy. My difficult child is still a work in progress. I am not pretending that I have some sort of magic key. I am really addressing how I handled me and improved our home to continue to be a solid loving healthy place to be regardless of difficult child or his emotions. I no longer give him that power over the family unit. There are days when difficult child causes upheaval but our lives do not revolve around whether difficult child is in a good mood or bad mood. If difficult child(at 14) was not acting appropriate, he did not attend the function we were attending. Do to get. He stayed home and sometimes with someone in attendance. Even easy child's create some havoc in the home. I try to be even handed with how I deal with each of them. Your son and my son are not similar except that they didn't seem to have a clue about how to verbalize their needs without being volatile. You can't be volatile with him. Hang in there, the weekend is almost over. [/QUOTE]
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OMG, I am so tired of his twisted sense of reality--long rant
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