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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 394672"><p>Your story is similar to mine in many ways although my son does not have Aspergers... he has other issues. My son is also 19... and you may want to check out the boards on substance abuse and parent emeritus as several of us can relate to your situation. </p><p></p><p>So I would say from your post that probably the most immediate issue is his drug use. That is probably causing some of his behavior and the stealing and the general I don't care attitude. Whatever he says my guess is he is doing more than he admits. The new friends etc. all sound like fellow drug users.</p><p></p><p>I agree there is not a whole lot you can do without his willingness. Unfortunately with our system once they are 18 they make the decisions. I also think you are right to not enable him, because in my experience (and observation) enabling them only helps them get further and deeper into the drug use.</p><p></p><p>Does your son have a lawyer? If so I would try and talk to them and let him know about your concern and his need for help. If he doesn't have a lawyer that may be an area you want to help. Legal problems can have impact later on and so it might be worth helping him there.</p><p></p><p>The court system is very faulty and problematic and can vary a lot from state to state. However if you work it, it can help. In our case our son (also 19) did a whole bunch of petty stupid crimes, all with "friends". The court kept letting him go, until finally it was too much and they revoked his bail and he went to jail. Like you son, I think he thought jail was inevitable and somehow would be a badge of honor or something. Who knows. Two weeks in jail and all he wanted was to do whatever he could to get out of jail. It was awful for me to have my son in jail, but it may have been the needed turning point. My son is now in rehab for his drug use......and of course I don't yet know where that journey is going to take him. I had found the rehab place we thought he should go. It was out of state and our lawyer was concerned the court would not go for that. He thought they would prefer drug court but the problem for us is to do that he would have had to live at home. Like you we have a younger child and we felt him being at home was no longer an option. So I wrote the court a letter saying why I thought out of state rehab was our best choice. I have to say it was a good letter. My son also wrote a heart felt letter to the judge which also helped.</p><p></p><p>So I guess my concrete advice is make sure your son has a lawyer, go to court to watch and see what happens. It is helpful for the court if they know there is caring family involved. Tell the lawyer what you want to have happen, that you are concerned about his drug use. They may do something like put him on probation. That would not be a bad thing... then you are not the heavy hammer the court is. If he does end up spending time in jail that might not be a bad thing, it might wake him up to the fact he really does not want to do that. </p><p></p><p>Good luck. I know how heartbreaking this is.... and check out the other two boards on this forum.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 394672"] Your story is similar to mine in many ways although my son does not have Aspergers... he has other issues. My son is also 19... and you may want to check out the boards on substance abuse and parent emeritus as several of us can relate to your situation. So I would say from your post that probably the most immediate issue is his drug use. That is probably causing some of his behavior and the stealing and the general I don't care attitude. Whatever he says my guess is he is doing more than he admits. The new friends etc. all sound like fellow drug users. I agree there is not a whole lot you can do without his willingness. Unfortunately with our system once they are 18 they make the decisions. I also think you are right to not enable him, because in my experience (and observation) enabling them only helps them get further and deeper into the drug use. Does your son have a lawyer? If so I would try and talk to them and let him know about your concern and his need for help. If he doesn't have a lawyer that may be an area you want to help. Legal problems can have impact later on and so it might be worth helping him there. The court system is very faulty and problematic and can vary a lot from state to state. However if you work it, it can help. In our case our son (also 19) did a whole bunch of petty stupid crimes, all with "friends". The court kept letting him go, until finally it was too much and they revoked his bail and he went to jail. Like you son, I think he thought jail was inevitable and somehow would be a badge of honor or something. Who knows. Two weeks in jail and all he wanted was to do whatever he could to get out of jail. It was awful for me to have my son in jail, but it may have been the needed turning point. My son is now in rehab for his drug use......and of course I don't yet know where that journey is going to take him. I had found the rehab place we thought he should go. It was out of state and our lawyer was concerned the court would not go for that. He thought they would prefer drug court but the problem for us is to do that he would have had to live at home. Like you we have a younger child and we felt him being at home was no longer an option. So I wrote the court a letter saying why I thought out of state rehab was our best choice. I have to say it was a good letter. My son also wrote a heart felt letter to the judge which also helped. So I guess my concrete advice is make sure your son has a lawyer, go to court to watch and see what happens. It is helpful for the court if they know there is caring family involved. Tell the lawyer what you want to have happen, that you are concerned about his drug use. They may do something like put him on probation. That would not be a bad thing... then you are not the heavy hammer the court is. If he does end up spending time in jail that might not be a bad thing, it might wake him up to the fact he really does not want to do that. Good luck. I know how heartbreaking this is.... and check out the other two boards on this forum. [/QUOTE]
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