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General Parenting
Once again...Feeling like a bad parent
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<blockquote data-quote="InsaneCdn" data-source="post: 594638" data-attributes="member: 11791"><p>You need to get all THREE of you to the therapist... together.</p><p>husband will not do it YOUR way. But he might listen to therapist.</p><p>And it is absolutely vital that the two of you get on the same page.</p><p>That does not mean being on husband's page either.</p><p> </p><p>But for perspective... there was a time when I would have been more like your husband, and my husband more like you.</p><p>What we found out is... "punishments" do not work - period. NOT EVER. Not with my difficult child, anyway (and only marginally with almost-easy child K2).</p><p>What relationship is there between "missing therapist" and "taking away electronics"? NONE. For difficult child... there is no link, and you will never be able to build a link in his brain that will relate the "punishment" to the "crime".</p><p>All you're doing is destroying the relationship.</p><p> </p><p>husband isn't helping. difficult child isn't in position to negotiate, as in... therapist should have been non-negotiable, and husband should have been there to make sure it happened. Other things, there may be room for negotiation but it has to be "before" things happen, not after. difficult child and you agree that a goal is to help him learn to sleep by himself? Come up with a plan, and some incentives... ahead of time, and specific to the goal. And yes, he gets to help negotiate what the targets, and incentives, are. But... "negotiating" to get back electronics by working on a different goal? Ummm... all he's doing is getting good at triangulation.</p><p></p><p>It's more important to find out what makes difficult child tick. WHY does he think/act/react/behave this way. What are the triggers... and what are the real dxes. You need to work on positive ways to move him toward desired goals - not "punishments" when he messes up.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="InsaneCdn, post: 594638, member: 11791"] You need to get all THREE of you to the therapist... together. husband will not do it YOUR way. But he might listen to therapist. And it is absolutely vital that the two of you get on the same page. That does not mean being on husband's page either. But for perspective... there was a time when I would have been more like your husband, and my husband more like you. What we found out is... "punishments" do not work - period. NOT EVER. Not with my difficult child, anyway (and only marginally with almost-easy child K2). What relationship is there between "missing therapist" and "taking away electronics"? NONE. For difficult child... there is no link, and you will never be able to build a link in his brain that will relate the "punishment" to the "crime". All you're doing is destroying the relationship. husband isn't helping. difficult child isn't in position to negotiate, as in... therapist should have been non-negotiable, and husband should have been there to make sure it happened. Other things, there may be room for negotiation but it has to be "before" things happen, not after. difficult child and you agree that a goal is to help him learn to sleep by himself? Come up with a plan, and some incentives... ahead of time, and specific to the goal. And yes, he gets to help negotiate what the targets, and incentives, are. But... "negotiating" to get back electronics by working on a different goal? Ummm... all he's doing is getting good at triangulation. It's more important to find out what makes difficult child tick. WHY does he think/act/react/behave this way. What are the triggers... and what are the real dxes. You need to work on positive ways to move him toward desired goals - not "punishments" when he messes up. [/QUOTE]
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Once again...Feeling like a bad parent
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