Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Once Upon a Time
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 735310" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I have always always thought our kids are wired more from biology than nurture. Ask adoptive parents like me who met their child's birthparents. If we divorced a bad man that still gives our child fifty percent of the bad man's DNA. This is why I only had one biological child. I shuddered at the mental illness, meanness and hurtfulness of my birthfamily. And Bart has some of their issues. I didn't want to have my DNA spread any more.</p><p></p><p>Now that is simplistic. I loved kids and always wanted to adopt hard to place children. But this fueled it along. Although adopted kids carry other DNA that may not be great the kids were already here. I didn't want to deliberately do it again with my own DNA. My sister's kids except for possibly one, seems okay but I don't know them. I am glad I made the decision made. I digress...</p><p></p><p>Nurture matters. Both Sonic and Jumper have addiction in their genes from birthparents but neither abused drugs. But I call it a lot of luck. The.potential was there and they chose not to test it. I am grateful. The odds would not have been good. I honor them. I don't think this was because of me. The kudos go to them, not me. Or their amazing father. They did it, not us.</p><p></p><p>Our kids come into contact with much more than us....peers are more powerful than.us by age 14. We can't compete with peer pressure. That is where their major influence comes from before they get into trouble. None of us taught our kids the values of messing up and using drugs.it is peers or a girlfriend much more powerful to.than we become. Unless we beat or abused them in other ways what happened when.they were ten isn't why they are off the rails at 18. Many kids have horrificc childhoods for real and dont turn in.to crimimals.</p><p></p><p> And many kids from great homes go wrong.. Wealth is a.nonfactor. I go back to thinking that alot of it is DNA. Impulsivity. Mental illness. Personality disorders. Lack of empathy. Recklessness (I feel this is worst of all).I believe all this is inherited. If our kids get handed challenging DNA it is much harder. But not a given. There is plenty of help.</p><p></p><p>In my case Bart was not impulsive or reckless, only difficult, so it kept him from being a criminal. Sonic and Jumper we're laced with the addiction gene. In fact Jumper had to take the MMPI Personality test before getting hired as a correction officer at the jail. This is an 800 or so questionaire test (I took it twice) that is the closest to figuring out who you are than any known test. There are even lie questions to test of you are being honest in your answers.</p><p>Jumpers test showed no problems at all except a risk of becoming an addict. She doesn't use and only drinks here and there. She says she never smoked pot. IIbelieve her</p><p> She doesn't like and she knows we wouldnt care if she tried. Bu her birth father spent his life in prison for drug crimes, one with a gun. I thought that the test sniffed this out was amazing. Jumper has no history of substance abuse. But if she had been less like us or her grounded, amazing birthmother...more reckless....instead of working at the jail she could be in jail. She tells me that almost all the inmates are drug addicts. She said "If I had been different, they could be me."</p><p></p><p>Do not blame yourself or what the adult child says is your fault they are adults whoake choices. Even most people with depression and anxiety, like me, don't choose to be criminals.</p><p></p><p>We mother's need to take the pressure off ourselves. We taught them right. We gave tjem all we had, including our love. That's all we could have done. We can't jump inside of out adult.kids and force them to value what we taught them. They are separate people from us and peers, teachers, bad experiences, DNA, all shape their actions. We are one ofany forces in their lives.</p><p></p><p>Do not feel guilty. You don't need that and it doesn't help them. We can't really help them if they don't want help</p><p> We can offer suggestions we feel would help. We can take action for crinal behavior under our roof to save ourselves and sometes them too. But sometimes we can only save us. It is up to them. We are NOT the reason they choose to get into trouble and we also can't fix them.</p><p></p><p>Love and light!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 735310, member: 1550"] I have always always thought our kids are wired more from biology than nurture. Ask adoptive parents like me who met their child's birthparents. If we divorced a bad man that still gives our child fifty percent of the bad man's DNA. This is why I only had one biological child. I shuddered at the mental illness, meanness and hurtfulness of my birthfamily. And Bart has some of their issues. I didn't want to have my DNA spread any more. Now that is simplistic. I loved kids and always wanted to adopt hard to place children. But this fueled it along. Although adopted kids carry other DNA that may not be great the kids were already here. I didn't want to deliberately do it again with my own DNA. My sister's kids except for possibly one, seems okay but I don't know them. I am glad I made the decision made. I digress... Nurture matters. Both Sonic and Jumper have addiction in their genes from birthparents but neither abused drugs. But I call it a lot of luck. The.potential was there and they chose not to test it. I am grateful. The odds would not have been good. I honor them. I don't think this was because of me. The kudos go to them, not me. Or their amazing father. They did it, not us. Our kids come into contact with much more than us....peers are more powerful than.us by age 14. We can't compete with peer pressure. That is where their major influence comes from before they get into trouble. None of us taught our kids the values of messing up and using drugs.it is peers or a girlfriend much more powerful to.than we become. Unless we beat or abused them in other ways what happened when.they were ten isn't why they are off the rails at 18. Many kids have horrificc childhoods for real and dont turn in.to crimimals. And many kids from great homes go wrong.. Wealth is a.nonfactor. I go back to thinking that alot of it is DNA. Impulsivity. Mental illness. Personality disorders. Lack of empathy. Recklessness (I feel this is worst of all).I believe all this is inherited. If our kids get handed challenging DNA it is much harder. But not a given. There is plenty of help. In my case Bart was not impulsive or reckless, only difficult, so it kept him from being a criminal. Sonic and Jumper we're laced with the addiction gene. In fact Jumper had to take the MMPI Personality test before getting hired as a correction officer at the jail. This is an 800 or so questionaire test (I took it twice) that is the closest to figuring out who you are than any known test. There are even lie questions to test of you are being honest in your answers. Jumpers test showed no problems at all except a risk of becoming an addict. She doesn't use and only drinks here and there. She says she never smoked pot. IIbelieve her She doesn't like and she knows we wouldnt care if she tried. Bu her birth father spent his life in prison for drug crimes, one with a gun. I thought that the test sniffed this out was amazing. Jumper has no history of substance abuse. But if she had been less like us or her grounded, amazing birthmother...more reckless....instead of working at the jail she could be in jail. She tells me that almost all the inmates are drug addicts. She said "If I had been different, they could be me." Do not blame yourself or what the adult child says is your fault they are adults whoake choices. Even most people with depression and anxiety, like me, don't choose to be criminals. We mother's need to take the pressure off ourselves. We taught them right. We gave tjem all we had, including our love. That's all we could have done. We can't jump inside of out adult.kids and force them to value what we taught them. They are separate people from us and peers, teachers, bad experiences, DNA, all shape their actions. We are one ofany forces in their lives. Do not feel guilty. You don't need that and it doesn't help them. We can't really help them if they don't want help We can offer suggestions we feel would help. We can take action for crinal behavior under our roof to save ourselves and sometes them too. But sometimes we can only save us. It is up to them. We are NOT the reason they choose to get into trouble and we also can't fix them. Love and light! [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Once Upon a Time
Top