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Parent Emeritus
One last post and I will leave you alone ;)
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748087" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Busy. I hope this IS NOT your last post. This is what we're here for.</p><p></p><p>All of the above.</p><p> I think you've been on pins and needles. Afraid even to breathe, so as to not say or do the wrong thing. </p><p></p><p>This is no way to live.</p><p></p><p>I agree with everybody above. But I think first you need to acknowledge to yourself how you feel. And it seems to me you feel angry, you feel you've been mistreated, you are afraid, you feel like you've been unjustly silenced. You feel there's no way to win; no right thing to do. And there are a whole lot of other feelings. I would feel enraged that I was in this situation where I can't speak up to protect my grandson and my daughter for fear that I would lose them entirely.</p><p></p><p>I think honoring your feelings, understanding what they are, getting them out in some way is essential FIRST. Not to her. But in relation to yourself. Whether it is at an Al Anon group, or through expressive writing (Julia Cameron's book, the Artist's Way talks about "morning pages" which is a way to get out onto the page what you feel..) Posting.</p><p>You see. When I was reading the options of how to respond to her, when she next calls, I visualized saying something like this: <em>I love you so much. I know that you feel frustrated with me that I don't understand about the vaccines. It's just that I don't know what to say. I just want everything to be okay with us. I love you so much. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I am not saying to tell her this. I wrote that because it felt to me what is at the heart of the matter. All of the other feelings--the anger, frustration, confusion--at bottom, is love, and hurt. </p><p></p><p>Beneath the anger and fear and frustration. Is the deepest love. And I find that in all of my dealings with my son there is always this, at root. It may be hidden by anger, fear, frustration, etc. but it's always just plain old love.</p><p>I think what Eliza means here, is that we cannot control the result. What we do has to be heartfelt, coming from what we need. Whether it is to express love or to set limits. It begins with us.</p><p>This is a tough one. Because things have gotten out of control. Clearly, she is out of control with you. She is not hearing you. She is not listening to you. She is not giving you space. She is threatening you with retaliation.</p><p></p><p>Now. This could be stress. It could be mental illness. It could be the result of domination and control by Lee. Whatever the reason, this should not be happening, <em>to you. And you are the one who is responsible to stop it.</em></p><p></p><p>As Eliza says, (to paraphrase) <em>we can't control what anybody wants to do to us, and in fact does to us</em>. We can only remove ourselves from this. Get out of the way. Don't listen. Not be there.</p><p></p><p>So. The issue is not how you respond to her. it is listening to yourself. It is how you respond to yourself. But that requires first. Stopping. And reframing the question.</p><p>What's the "best way to talk" to you? To hear yourself, your needs. </p><p></p><p><em>What do you need to hear? From you? What do you need to do ? (Not with her). What do you need to say? </em></p><p></p><p>Do you need a break? Do you need to write her a letter (not necessarily mail it)? Do you need support in the form of therapy or Al Anon? </p><p></p><p>I think all of this is traumatizing. She is battering you. You have been her victim. </p><p></p><p>How can you change this? What do you need to walk this back to health?</p><p></p><p>I agree with Eliza. This is not about her. It's about you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748087, member: 18958"] Busy. I hope this IS NOT your last post. This is what we're here for. All of the above. I think you've been on pins and needles. Afraid even to breathe, so as to not say or do the wrong thing. This is no way to live. I agree with everybody above. But I think first you need to acknowledge to yourself how you feel. And it seems to me you feel angry, you feel you've been mistreated, you are afraid, you feel like you've been unjustly silenced. You feel there's no way to win; no right thing to do. And there are a whole lot of other feelings. I would feel enraged that I was in this situation where I can't speak up to protect my grandson and my daughter for fear that I would lose them entirely. I think honoring your feelings, understanding what they are, getting them out in some way is essential FIRST. Not to her. But in relation to yourself. Whether it is at an Al Anon group, or through expressive writing (Julia Cameron's book, the Artist's Way talks about "morning pages" which is a way to get out onto the page what you feel..) Posting. You see. When I was reading the options of how to respond to her, when she next calls, I visualized saying something like this: [I]I love you so much. I know that you feel frustrated with me that I don't understand about the vaccines. It's just that I don't know what to say. I just want everything to be okay with us. I love you so much. [/I] I am not saying to tell her this. I wrote that because it felt to me what is at the heart of the matter. All of the other feelings--the anger, frustration, confusion--at bottom, is love, and hurt. Beneath the anger and fear and frustration. Is the deepest love. And I find that in all of my dealings with my son there is always this, at root. It may be hidden by anger, fear, frustration, etc. but it's always just plain old love. I think what Eliza means here, is that we cannot control the result. What we do has to be heartfelt, coming from what we need. Whether it is to express love or to set limits. It begins with us. This is a tough one. Because things have gotten out of control. Clearly, she is out of control with you. She is not hearing you. She is not listening to you. She is not giving you space. She is threatening you with retaliation. Now. This could be stress. It could be mental illness. It could be the result of domination and control by Lee. Whatever the reason, this should not be happening, [I]to you. And you are the one who is responsible to stop it.[/I] As Eliza says, (to paraphrase) [I]we can't control what anybody wants to do to us, and in fact does to us[/I]. We can only remove ourselves from this. Get out of the way. Don't listen. Not be there. So. The issue is not how you respond to her. it is listening to yourself. It is how you respond to yourself. But that requires first. Stopping. And reframing the question. What's the "best way to talk" to you? To hear yourself, your needs. [I]What do you need to hear? From you? What do you need to do ? (Not with her). What do you need to say? [/I] Do you need a break? Do you need to write her a letter (not necessarily mail it)? Do you need support in the form of therapy or Al Anon? I think all of this is traumatizing. She is battering you. You have been her victim. How can you change this? What do you need to walk this back to health? I agree with Eliza. This is not about her. It's about you. [/QUOTE]
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