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One last post and I will leave you alone ;)
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748092" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This has become a very useful thread for me. Thank you everybody. Again. I realize I am trying to manage my own feelings through control and manipulation of my son. For me the feelings become so intense that I am willing to cave, to literally surrender, defeat myself, in order that he come back here, in order that the feelings in me stop.</p><p></p><p>What this is is a real disordering of how I perceive reality. Because NOTHING out there really has any effect inside one. Only our thoughts and actions effect our inside; only these can make the pain go away.</p><p></p><p>It seems to me that Eliza changed her way of knowing the world, and by inference, herself, and that I could do that too. She holds the OUTSIDE world as OUTSIDE. She chooses whether or not to take it in:</p><p>And conversely, she owns her inside world, her own thoughts and feelings. Inside is her terrain. While she may not control her immediate reactions, feelings, she accepts that POTENTIALLY she has control here.</p><p></p><p>She holds the INSIDE world as hers, as personal space. She does not cede it to her daughter or any other person. She insulates herself from being triggered, by arranging her life in such a way that such is minimized. She has tools to identify and deal with triggers, as they occur. And then she goes on her merry way. She does NOT surrender to the trigger. Nor does she define herself by it. Triggers lose their power, because she does not allow them to ignite her.She takes responsibility for what happens to her in this life. That seems to be based on primarily accepting reality. A spade is a spade. It's not a heart. She does not keep trying to persuade the spade to change into a heart. (This is so helpful. Apparently, I believe I have powers to transform the suits in decks of cards.)</p><p></p><p>Thank you ladies.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748092, member: 18958"] This has become a very useful thread for me. Thank you everybody. Again. I realize I am trying to manage my own feelings through control and manipulation of my son. For me the feelings become so intense that I am willing to cave, to literally surrender, defeat myself, in order that he come back here, in order that the feelings in me stop. What this is is a real disordering of how I perceive reality. Because NOTHING out there really has any effect inside one. Only our thoughts and actions effect our inside; only these can make the pain go away. It seems to me that Eliza changed her way of knowing the world, and by inference, herself, and that I could do that too. She holds the OUTSIDE world as OUTSIDE. She chooses whether or not to take it in: And conversely, she owns her inside world, her own thoughts and feelings. Inside is her terrain. While she may not control her immediate reactions, feelings, she accepts that POTENTIALLY she has control here. She holds the INSIDE world as hers, as personal space. She does not cede it to her daughter or any other person. She insulates herself from being triggered, by arranging her life in such a way that such is minimized. She has tools to identify and deal with triggers, as they occur. And then she goes on her merry way. She does NOT surrender to the trigger. Nor does she define herself by it. Triggers lose their power, because she does not allow them to ignite her.She takes responsibility for what happens to her in this life. That seems to be based on primarily accepting reality. A spade is a spade. It's not a heart. She does not keep trying to persuade the spade to change into a heart. (This is so helpful. Apparently, I believe I have powers to transform the suits in decks of cards.) Thank you ladies. [/QUOTE]
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