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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 175706" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome, Sabrah.</p><p></p><p>We're one of those families with multiple difficult children. </p><p></p><p>With us, we noticed some similar characteristics which COULD have been imitative or could have been familial. There were also other problems which were quite different with each child. For example, easy child was always a ball of greased lightning, here there and everywhere. Never still, into everything, always active, rejecting physical contact.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 would cling like a koala whenever he could, but when active would also be into everything. However, unlike easy child, he needed either simple instructions or to be led by the hand where easy child could cope with complex information and long sequences in her head. difficult child 1 hated people looking at him.</p><p></p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 was very bright, able to handle very complex information in long sequences, was quieter than easy child and difficult child 1, enjoyed a cuddle, but was very strong-willed and independent. Later on she began to show a stubborn streak that wouldn't let her accept information she disagreed with. She also began forgetting schoolwork she'd previously known well. No behavioural problems back then. Many more, now.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3's problems were different again. Initially we thought he was our perfect child. Strong-willed like both sisters, highly intelligent, but non-verbal. Quite happy to be the centre of attention (like his sisters; unlike difficult child 1). Never shy, never had stage-fright.</p><p></p><p>You see the similarities? The differences?</p><p></p><p>We took them to the same doctors, because I wanted anything familial to be ignored unless it was part of a medical condition which needed to be recorded. The end result is in the sig. easy child has never been diagnosed with anything, but we suspect a small amount of ADHD. Her partner we suspect to be borderline Aspie. easy child 2/difficult child 2's partner has ADHD as a diagnosis, may possibly also be borderline Aspie.</p><p></p><p>For a long time we thought easy child 2/difficult child 2 had nothing wrong with her other than a desire for attention, and that she was copying difficult child 1's bad behaviour. I admit we were very hard on her. But when I look back, especially seeing how she is now (which is definitely very different to both boys, although the obsessiveness we see in her is similar to difficult child 3) I can see the beginnings of the almost out-of-control Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) she now exhibits.</p><p></p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 has also been very good at 'normalising' her obsessions. We could see it more at home. For example, she was obsessed with the feel of fur fabric and anything silky, so she bought some cowprint fur fabric and made a cover for her school folder. It looked fabulous, it was very stylish and distinctive - and she got to carry it in her arms to every class, which meant she was cuddling fur fabric (indulging her sensuality and her obsession) in front of everybody, and nobody noticed.</p><p></p><p>Don't be too sure that your 9 year old has nothing wrong. It's an easy mistake to make.</p><p></p><p>A strong suggestion - get the 9 year old into therapy somewhere/somehow. If he's merely being reactive and is cashing in on his sister's problems, then he still need counselling and cognitive behaviour therapy to overcome any anger, jealousy and learned behaviour issues. And if there is more - he still needs therapy to realise that help is there and he doesn't have to physically react.</p><p>You say medications help him stay focussed better - that is a big sign that he is also affected by something beyond environment. It's not unusual for siblings to inherit facets of the disorders affecting others in the family.</p><p></p><p>Example again in my kids - difficult child 1 and difficult child 3 are on very similar doses of medications. In fact I think difficult child 3 has just passed difficult child 1 in quantity, even though difficult child 1 is almost twice his little brother's size and age. And when they were on risperdal, difficult child 3 was on two to three times the dosage of his big brother.</p><p>difficult child 1 takes Zoloft. difficult child 3 can't tolerate it.</p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 is on the same stims as her brothers, but takes one sixth their dose. Yet without it she's silly, giggly, impulsive, immature ("blonde", in short) - we want to throttle her. We call them her "brunette pills". </p><p></p><p>My view - if you find something that helps, use it. Anyone who thinks it's bad parenting - forget about them. They don't matter, they are beneath contempt if they're not going to have compassion or consideration. What is far more important is your relationship with your kids and your help that you give them as you work towards giving them as good a chance in life as you can.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 175706, member: 1991"] Welcome, Sabrah. We're one of those families with multiple difficult children. With us, we noticed some similar characteristics which COULD have been imitative or could have been familial. There were also other problems which were quite different with each child. For example, easy child was always a ball of greased lightning, here there and everywhere. Never still, into everything, always active, rejecting physical contact. difficult child 1 would cling like a koala whenever he could, but when active would also be into everything. However, unlike easy child, he needed either simple instructions or to be led by the hand where easy child could cope with complex information and long sequences in her head. difficult child 1 hated people looking at him. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was very bright, able to handle very complex information in long sequences, was quieter than easy child and difficult child 1, enjoyed a cuddle, but was very strong-willed and independent. Later on she began to show a stubborn streak that wouldn't let her accept information she disagreed with. She also began forgetting schoolwork she'd previously known well. No behavioural problems back then. Many more, now. difficult child 3's problems were different again. Initially we thought he was our perfect child. Strong-willed like both sisters, highly intelligent, but non-verbal. Quite happy to be the centre of attention (like his sisters; unlike difficult child 1). Never shy, never had stage-fright. You see the similarities? The differences? We took them to the same doctors, because I wanted anything familial to be ignored unless it was part of a medical condition which needed to be recorded. The end result is in the sig. easy child has never been diagnosed with anything, but we suspect a small amount of ADHD. Her partner we suspect to be borderline Aspie. easy child 2/difficult child 2's partner has ADHD as a diagnosis, may possibly also be borderline Aspie. For a long time we thought easy child 2/difficult child 2 had nothing wrong with her other than a desire for attention, and that she was copying difficult child 1's bad behaviour. I admit we were very hard on her. But when I look back, especially seeing how she is now (which is definitely very different to both boys, although the obsessiveness we see in her is similar to difficult child 3) I can see the beginnings of the almost out-of-control Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) she now exhibits. easy child 2/difficult child 2 has also been very good at 'normalising' her obsessions. We could see it more at home. For example, she was obsessed with the feel of fur fabric and anything silky, so she bought some cowprint fur fabric and made a cover for her school folder. It looked fabulous, it was very stylish and distinctive - and she got to carry it in her arms to every class, which meant she was cuddling fur fabric (indulging her sensuality and her obsession) in front of everybody, and nobody noticed. Don't be too sure that your 9 year old has nothing wrong. It's an easy mistake to make. A strong suggestion - get the 9 year old into therapy somewhere/somehow. If he's merely being reactive and is cashing in on his sister's problems, then he still need counselling and cognitive behaviour therapy to overcome any anger, jealousy and learned behaviour issues. And if there is more - he still needs therapy to realise that help is there and he doesn't have to physically react. You say medications help him stay focussed better - that is a big sign that he is also affected by something beyond environment. It's not unusual for siblings to inherit facets of the disorders affecting others in the family. Example again in my kids - difficult child 1 and difficult child 3 are on very similar doses of medications. In fact I think difficult child 3 has just passed difficult child 1 in quantity, even though difficult child 1 is almost twice his little brother's size and age. And when they were on risperdal, difficult child 3 was on two to three times the dosage of his big brother. difficult child 1 takes Zoloft. difficult child 3 can't tolerate it. easy child 2/difficult child 2 is on the same stims as her brothers, but takes one sixth their dose. Yet without it she's silly, giggly, impulsive, immature ("blonde", in short) - we want to throttle her. We call them her "brunette pills". My view - if you find something that helps, use it. Anyone who thinks it's bad parenting - forget about them. They don't matter, they are beneath contempt if they're not going to have compassion or consideration. What is far more important is your relationship with your kids and your help that you give them as you work towards giving them as good a chance in life as you can. Marg [/QUOTE]
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