Dear Jaypee
I have thought of you many times, and I had hoped you would check-in.
To me both of your sons are doing spectacularly better: no overt abuse; living in actual homes with other people; working or between jobs. And I feel certain there are other improvements too.
Rather than enabling, I see you trying to be flexible, seeking balance, offering some help so that they once again carry the ball. I think part of our healing is coming to tolerate when there are transitions from really good, stable, and improving--to who knows what? I think we panic. I think this is PTSD. I think we fear the bottom will fall out yet again. And then, what do we do? Attack ourselves...it's our fault...we're not doing it right...again.
For many of us, this comes from childhood. It's a learned behavior to take the blame, ourselves, for something that has nothing at all to do with us. But once we are aware we can breathe deeply, center ourselves, and step back. Once again put the responsibility completely on the adult child, which is where it belongs.
You did nothing wrong. Not one thing. If there's no place to help our kids at all, who are we, what are we?
