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Substance Abuse
Oops, I did it again, I texted pain...and it hurt
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 519164"><p>Sig,</p><p></p><p>I actually think you did absolutely the right thing, even though it hurts like H****.. When we first kicked our son out of the house my first reaction was to kind of wait until he contacted me. My therapist said no, that will create a matter of pride for him and he won't call you no matter what. Knowing my son and our tendancy to get into power struggles I knew she was right. So she told me to stay in contact with him, even if he didn't respond. Not to over do it, but to send him a text every few days or so...... and I did that. I did not hear from him for a week until he got arrested..... but what it did do is keep us somewhat in touch and so he called us when he needed something.</p><p></p><p>True he has taken total advantage of our love and caring, conned us to no end etc. Yet in the process he has also gotten help at times for his substance abuse, he knows we love him and are there for him, and our relationship is better than it was. Don't get me wrong we don't have a great relationship and I don't think we will for a while but I do feel at least the door is open.</p><p></p><p>And we have gotten stronger and have made it clear we will no longer be conned and are careful in what we will help with... that part has been a process. But there is not a power struggle going on between us at this point.</p><p></p><p>So I think you sending the first message, was a natural thing to do on his birthday.... and it would have been kind of a hurtful statement not to somehow wish him Happy Birthday. WIth your second message you opened the door further for more contact, if he so chooses. How clearly he is not ready for that and that is his choice.... but you have left the door open and I think that is a good thing.</p><p></p><p>I would not text him again for awhile..... but at some point it might be good to text him "I am thinking about you" or "Remember when"... something not asking him for anything nor offering him anything.. Just something to keep that door open a crack.</p><p></p><p>I think if you continue to stay silent, he will not feel like he can contact you. He is young man, trying to separate and prove something, and he does not want to have to let you know how much he misses or needs you.</p><p></p><p>So in the case the "don't dial pain" I think means, letting go of the expectation of a response... but doesnt mean you shouldnt text him now and then.</p><p></p><p>I have found in my text convos with my son... and we have had some good ones... I am willing to text as long as he is willing to text... so he is always the one to stop responding. I have gotten ok with that most of the time..... and it gives me a clue as to how he is doing.</p><p></p><p>Hugs.... I know so well how hard this is.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 519164"] Sig, I actually think you did absolutely the right thing, even though it hurts like H****.. When we first kicked our son out of the house my first reaction was to kind of wait until he contacted me. My therapist said no, that will create a matter of pride for him and he won't call you no matter what. Knowing my son and our tendancy to get into power struggles I knew she was right. So she told me to stay in contact with him, even if he didn't respond. Not to over do it, but to send him a text every few days or so...... and I did that. I did not hear from him for a week until he got arrested..... but what it did do is keep us somewhat in touch and so he called us when he needed something. True he has taken total advantage of our love and caring, conned us to no end etc. Yet in the process he has also gotten help at times for his substance abuse, he knows we love him and are there for him, and our relationship is better than it was. Don't get me wrong we don't have a great relationship and I don't think we will for a while but I do feel at least the door is open. And we have gotten stronger and have made it clear we will no longer be conned and are careful in what we will help with... that part has been a process. But there is not a power struggle going on between us at this point. So I think you sending the first message, was a natural thing to do on his birthday.... and it would have been kind of a hurtful statement not to somehow wish him Happy Birthday. WIth your second message you opened the door further for more contact, if he so chooses. How clearly he is not ready for that and that is his choice.... but you have left the door open and I think that is a good thing. I would not text him again for awhile..... but at some point it might be good to text him "I am thinking about you" or "Remember when"... something not asking him for anything nor offering him anything.. Just something to keep that door open a crack. I think if you continue to stay silent, he will not feel like he can contact you. He is young man, trying to separate and prove something, and he does not want to have to let you know how much he misses or needs you. So in the case the "don't dial pain" I think means, letting go of the expectation of a response... but doesnt mean you shouldnt text him now and then. I have found in my text convos with my son... and we have had some good ones... I am willing to text as long as he is willing to text... so he is always the one to stop responding. I have gotten ok with that most of the time..... and it gives me a clue as to how he is doing. Hugs.... I know so well how hard this is. TL [/QUOTE]
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Oops, I did it again, I texted pain...and it hurt
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