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Other parents/friends of mine do not understand my child.... HELP PLZ
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 743948" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Hi Megs. Grown up, late-diagnosed Aspie girl here. I'll share my perspective, which may or may not apply to your daughter. Take whatever is useful! </p><p></p><p>First, if she has two girls she counts as friends, she is doing great! I didn't make my first friend until my junior year of high school. So your daughter has a great base, in my opinion. My only experience playing with another child at that age would have been a sibling or cousin at a family event, where they were expected to include me. </p><p></p><p>Second, on the games, I will say games were REALLY hard for me to understand. Not the rules - I am REALLY good with rules - but the give and take of it. I understood the rules and the objective. The objective was to win. If I did not win, it meant I must have done something wrong. And I must be somehow inferior. And there must be something others got that I didn't. (This was often the case, so I just learned to assume it, even when not true.) Losing a game thus brought about not just momentary disappointment but a deep sense of SHAME. It was another reminder that I was inferior. On the flip side, if someone else did not follow the rules, it was extremely upsetting. Because, you know, rules. You follow them. Autism loves order. Rule breaking is UPSETTING. I can see your daughter seeing the "rule breaking" of exposing her hiding place as very upsetting, and she may not yet be able to understand the difference between "intentional" and "accidental" in cases like this. She may just see the result - my hiding place was exposed, and therefore I lost - and be very upset by it. </p><p></p><p>I think no one told me, and I wasn't able to grasp until much older, that the real point of games was not to win, but to have fun playing with each other. I wasn't operating on that principle. I was following a set of rules to achieve an outcome. When I didn't achieve that outcome, I was upset. I needed to be explicitly told "Games are about having fun, and it doesn't matter who wins and who loses. Your relationship with this person is much more important than winning the game." To be honest, I still don't much enjoy playing games with humans, because they put two parts of my brain - the part that still struggles with navigating social interactions and the part that wants to achieve an objective - in direct conflict with each other. I love computer games, especially strategy or puzzle games (like the old Civilization and Myst games). But when they made Civilization into an online multi-player game with humans, it totally ruined it for me. I want to play against a computer, where I can be as ruthless as I want without feeling bad, I don't have to navigate anyone else's feelings while I'm playing, and I don't take it personally (and therefore feel shame) if I lose. </p><p></p><p>I agree with Tired and SWOT. Overprotecting her and trying to get others around her to adapt to her is not going to work, long term. She needs to be told, directly and explicitly, how to behave, and why the way she reacted was wrong. Not in an angry or punishing way, but in a loving and teaching way. SWOT is right -she won't eventually learn by example and watching. She needs to be told. Understanding other people's emotions and perspectives, and demonstrating empathy, are skills your daughter can learn. Recognizing and managing her own emotions, and avoiding going into total meltdown mode by redirecting behaviors, are also skills that can be learned. She just may not learn in the same way and on the same schedule as others. Expect more "teachable moments" like this as she grows up. </p><p></p><p>I really liked this recent article about Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) in girls, and why it's so often undiagnosed. It really speaks to my experience: <a href="http://www2.philly.com/philly/health/invisible-women-lost-girls-to-be-female-on-the-autism-spectrum-20181106.html" target="_blank">http://www2.philly.com/philly/health/invisible-women-lost-girls-to-be-female-on-the-autism-spectrum-20181106.html</a> </p><p></p><p>It is TOUGH being an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) girl. Girls, in my experience, expect more out of their friends than boys do, and it's harder to figure out the "rules" and keep up. But your daughter sounds like she is doing great, overall. She has friends. A lot of this kind of thing goes on even between neurotypical kids. She is absolutely capable of learning and growing in her social skills, and you should expect it of her. Just give her plenty of time, space and grace along the way. I think she'll be ok!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 743948, member: 23349"] Hi Megs. Grown up, late-diagnosed Aspie girl here. I'll share my perspective, which may or may not apply to your daughter. Take whatever is useful! First, if she has two girls she counts as friends, she is doing great! I didn't make my first friend until my junior year of high school. So your daughter has a great base, in my opinion. My only experience playing with another child at that age would have been a sibling or cousin at a family event, where they were expected to include me. Second, on the games, I will say games were REALLY hard for me to understand. Not the rules - I am REALLY good with rules - but the give and take of it. I understood the rules and the objective. The objective was to win. If I did not win, it meant I must have done something wrong. And I must be somehow inferior. And there must be something others got that I didn't. (This was often the case, so I just learned to assume it, even when not true.) Losing a game thus brought about not just momentary disappointment but a deep sense of SHAME. It was another reminder that I was inferior. On the flip side, if someone else did not follow the rules, it was extremely upsetting. Because, you know, rules. You follow them. Autism loves order. Rule breaking is UPSETTING. I can see your daughter seeing the "rule breaking" of exposing her hiding place as very upsetting, and she may not yet be able to understand the difference between "intentional" and "accidental" in cases like this. She may just see the result - my hiding place was exposed, and therefore I lost - and be very upset by it. I think no one told me, and I wasn't able to grasp until much older, that the real point of games was not to win, but to have fun playing with each other. I wasn't operating on that principle. I was following a set of rules to achieve an outcome. When I didn't achieve that outcome, I was upset. I needed to be explicitly told "Games are about having fun, and it doesn't matter who wins and who loses. Your relationship with this person is much more important than winning the game." To be honest, I still don't much enjoy playing games with humans, because they put two parts of my brain - the part that still struggles with navigating social interactions and the part that wants to achieve an objective - in direct conflict with each other. I love computer games, especially strategy or puzzle games (like the old Civilization and Myst games). But when they made Civilization into an online multi-player game with humans, it totally ruined it for me. I want to play against a computer, where I can be as ruthless as I want without feeling bad, I don't have to navigate anyone else's feelings while I'm playing, and I don't take it personally (and therefore feel shame) if I lose. I agree with Tired and SWOT. Overprotecting her and trying to get others around her to adapt to her is not going to work, long term. She needs to be told, directly and explicitly, how to behave, and why the way she reacted was wrong. Not in an angry or punishing way, but in a loving and teaching way. SWOT is right -she won't eventually learn by example and watching. She needs to be told. Understanding other people's emotions and perspectives, and demonstrating empathy, are skills your daughter can learn. Recognizing and managing her own emotions, and avoiding going into total meltdown mode by redirecting behaviors, are also skills that can be learned. She just may not learn in the same way and on the same schedule as others. Expect more "teachable moments" like this as she grows up. I really liked this recent article about Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) in girls, and why it's so often undiagnosed. It really speaks to my experience: [URL]http://www2.philly.com/philly/health/invisible-women-lost-girls-to-be-female-on-the-autism-spectrum-20181106.html[/URL] It is TOUGH being an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) girl. Girls, in my experience, expect more out of their friends than boys do, and it's harder to figure out the "rules" and keep up. But your daughter sounds like she is doing great, overall. She has friends. A lot of this kind of thing goes on even between neurotypical kids. She is absolutely capable of learning and growing in her social skills, and you should expect it of her. Just give her plenty of time, space and grace along the way. I think she'll be ok! [/QUOTE]
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