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Our 12y/o son so abusive to me
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<blockquote data-quote="BloodiedButUnbowed" data-source="post: 728650" data-attributes="member: 13303"><p>Hi Dot,</p><p></p><p>Welcome to our community. In case you are using your real first name as your username, you may want to email the mods to change it to something less identifiable. We are a friendly and tight knit group here but this is still the internet, and it's always possible someone who knows you in real life may stumble on this site/your post. FYI....</p><p></p><p>I can relate in many ways to your situation. I am married to a woman with two sons from a previous marriage. We are not their residential parents. </p><p></p><p>When I came into their lives, the oldest boy was 13 and the youngest was 11. I built a relationship of genuine love with them, but their adolescence has been horrible. I came to this board in 2015 after the eldest - who is also a very large young man - strangled my wife, and this year the youngest made a very serious suicide attempt (swallowed 50 calcium channel blockers), died for a few minutes, was revived and then spent the next several months inpatient recovering from the physical trauma. He recently exited a partial hospitalization program to address his psychiatric needs. He now has an IEP and attends a special school for children with his issues. It seems to be helping him and for that we are very grateful. As far as the oldest, he refuses to see or speak with us. We have barely spoken to him since he turned 16. He has severe social anxiety, does not go to school (is enrolled in a for profit online HS but does very little work), is allowed to do as he pleases by his custodial parent, and we suspect he's involved in substance abuse on some level. We don't see younger son much anymore either. My wife's divorce from their father was very bitter and is still high conflict, which has taken a devastating toll on my wife's relationship with her children.</p><p></p><p>Although I did not come into these children's lives until recently, from what I am told the oldest was always a difficult, argumentative child who could not follow the rules of society and didn't mind getting physical if it meant that he would get his way as a result. He was kicked out of preschool because he couldn't follow directions, bullied other kids in elementary school, began failing classes in middle school, and essentially, won't listen to anybody. He was sent to therapy but needed much more intensive help to learn how to function in society. At some point when he was still in middle school, perhaps he could have been sent to a military school or other similar situation where he would have finally internalized self-control and self-discipline. But what happened instead is that he grew big, strong, and dangerous, uses his physical strength and size to intimidate and at times, attack his family, and unfortunately is not held accountable by his dad, with whom he lives. He can do as he pleases and that is what he does. </p><p></p><p>Your story sounds disturbingly familiar to me on many levels. My feedback, based on what you have shared, is that your stepson is out of control and growing more dangerous with every pound and inch he gains. He will continue to escalate as my stepson did, unless he is held accountable for his behavior AND you refuse to tolerate it any longer. What he is doing is not normal and should not be tolerated. You are fortunate to have a collaborative relationship with his biological mother. My suggestion is that it is long past time to have a family meeting (if you've already done this, then another one is due) with his biological mother present, frankly discuss the damage both emotional and physical this child is causing to you personally, and come up with a plan of action that includes removing him from your presence when other adults are not around, at minimum. </p><p></p><p>Be aware that my older stepson physically and emotionally abused his little brother. How much that played into his recent suicide attempt we're not sure, but we believe it to be a factor. This child's actions are affecting his siblings, and you need to protect them as well.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry if any of this sounded harsh - this has been my experience.</p><p></p><p>Best of luck. I do recommend that this child be taken to a different environment, be it another relative or perhaps a boarding/military school, so that the family dynamic can re-set, so his siblings can live normally as they should, and so he can learn how to manage himself appropriately in society. This is not said judgmentally. Quite frankly those who cannot manage in society typically end up in jail eventually.</p><p></p><p>Keep us posted.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BloodiedButUnbowed, post: 728650, member: 13303"] Hi Dot, Welcome to our community. In case you are using your real first name as your username, you may want to email the mods to change it to something less identifiable. We are a friendly and tight knit group here but this is still the internet, and it's always possible someone who knows you in real life may stumble on this site/your post. FYI.... I can relate in many ways to your situation. I am married to a woman with two sons from a previous marriage. We are not their residential parents. When I came into their lives, the oldest boy was 13 and the youngest was 11. I built a relationship of genuine love with them, but their adolescence has been horrible. I came to this board in 2015 after the eldest - who is also a very large young man - strangled my wife, and this year the youngest made a very serious suicide attempt (swallowed 50 calcium channel blockers), died for a few minutes, was revived and then spent the next several months inpatient recovering from the physical trauma. He recently exited a partial hospitalization program to address his psychiatric needs. He now has an IEP and attends a special school for children with his issues. It seems to be helping him and for that we are very grateful. As far as the oldest, he refuses to see or speak with us. We have barely spoken to him since he turned 16. He has severe social anxiety, does not go to school (is enrolled in a for profit online HS but does very little work), is allowed to do as he pleases by his custodial parent, and we suspect he's involved in substance abuse on some level. We don't see younger son much anymore either. My wife's divorce from their father was very bitter and is still high conflict, which has taken a devastating toll on my wife's relationship with her children. Although I did not come into these children's lives until recently, from what I am told the oldest was always a difficult, argumentative child who could not follow the rules of society and didn't mind getting physical if it meant that he would get his way as a result. He was kicked out of preschool because he couldn't follow directions, bullied other kids in elementary school, began failing classes in middle school, and essentially, won't listen to anybody. He was sent to therapy but needed much more intensive help to learn how to function in society. At some point when he was still in middle school, perhaps he could have been sent to a military school or other similar situation where he would have finally internalized self-control and self-discipline. But what happened instead is that he grew big, strong, and dangerous, uses his physical strength and size to intimidate and at times, attack his family, and unfortunately is not held accountable by his dad, with whom he lives. He can do as he pleases and that is what he does. Your story sounds disturbingly familiar to me on many levels. My feedback, based on what you have shared, is that your stepson is out of control and growing more dangerous with every pound and inch he gains. He will continue to escalate as my stepson did, unless he is held accountable for his behavior AND you refuse to tolerate it any longer. What he is doing is not normal and should not be tolerated. You are fortunate to have a collaborative relationship with his biological mother. My suggestion is that it is long past time to have a family meeting (if you've already done this, then another one is due) with his biological mother present, frankly discuss the damage both emotional and physical this child is causing to you personally, and come up with a plan of action that includes removing him from your presence when other adults are not around, at minimum. Be aware that my older stepson physically and emotionally abused his little brother. How much that played into his recent suicide attempt we're not sure, but we believe it to be a factor. This child's actions are affecting his siblings, and you need to protect them as well. I am sorry if any of this sounded harsh - this has been my experience. Best of luck. I do recommend that this child be taken to a different environment, be it another relative or perhaps a boarding/military school, so that the family dynamic can re-set, so his siblings can live normally as they should, and so he can learn how to manage himself appropriately in society. This is not said judgmentally. Quite frankly those who cannot manage in society typically end up in jail eventually. Keep us posted. [/QUOTE]
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