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Substance Abuse
Our 15 yo son is in Juvi and we are afraid to take him back home
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<blockquote data-quote="Discouraged Dad" data-source="post: 410773" data-attributes="member: 11276"><p>Wow, I appreciate all the energy and information. The whole spiralling out of control with our difficult child has really sucked the energy out of all of us. It is amazing how daunting everything seems. I feel paralyzed at times because even though I know it is not getting any better, I feel terrible that I can't connect with and help him. </p><p> </p><p>One of my concerns with reporting it as domestic assault is that even though he often goes into a rage, he has at most pushed me. He can easily escalate from quiet, to full on yelling, swearing, threatening "How would it f*ing feel if your wife had a knife stuck in her gut!" or "I can f*ing burn this house down with everyone in it and I would be happy!" He has kicked and broken our bedroom door in to confront us, kicked holes in the hallway and his bedroom walls, slammed and broken dishes, etc. He usually threatens and then tries to intimidate or provoke me by raising his fists or some object. I have never hit him and he has never hit me or my wife (yet). He has slightly pushed and threatened. However he has never hit or directly threatened something like "I am going to kill you". He always seems to phrase it in a way that somehow lessens it. He yelled at his mom, " I could easily kill your husband and bury him in the back yard. How would that make you feel?" Thats the hard part because it would seem to be so much clearer to me if he would cross some line and punch me or say "I am going to kill you when I get out". Then it might seem clearer (without any second guessing). Yes, there is that guilt from not being a "good enough" parent to make him happy and behave properly. I know this is not the case but never the less the guilt is there deep down. </p><p> </p><p>Thus, I feel like if I call this domestic violence center, they are going to ask " has he directly assaulted you or your wife". Then, I am going to say wellllll, no, BUT he has done everything else besides this and I believe he is very close to this next step. Yes, he and his younger brother have hit, punched, kicked each other at times, but that is well within the normal range for most brothers. Yes, he has threatened a court employee, a teacher, other kids, claimed to have killed someone, been expelled from school, claimed to have dealt and appears to be planning again to deal drugs, run away twice, etc, etc. I know breaking things is considered domestic assault, but I guess I am assuming that they will say that he has not hit us yet so they can not help us.</p><p> </p><p>I totally agree with you that all of us have to go through some type of therapy to make sure we all understand it is not Ok to be treated this way. I am sure I will be surprized when I find out how much our other kids have been harrassed and threatened that we do not know about yet. </p><p> </p><p>I have talked to some people, but I have not thought about Victim's Services or Domestic Violence centers because my wife and I have not been punched or stabbed yet. Of course, our difficult child says we are the worst parents and tells everyone who will listen that he has not done anything wrong and we don't care about him, don't listen to him, punish him for nothing, etc, etc. I am sure he will claim we neglect or treat him badly. That abandonment issue seems ridiculous, but it still seems like a very real possibility. My wife works on staff at a school. Do you know if an educator could lose her job over it? </p><p> </p><p>I really appreciate all the information and support. We are now scrambling on trying to get him into a residential treatment center because his drug/alcohol evaluation looks like it will recommend it. We really want/NEED him to go directly from juvi to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I don't know if this is good or bad for the long haul, but it will at least give us more time to find a long term solution and live in relative peace for awhile.</p><p> </p><p>I will talk to the domestic violence center and victims services and see if they can assist.</p><p> </p><p>I was happy to read that you and your son survived those years and are happy and getting along. Thank you for responding.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Discouraged Dad, post: 410773, member: 11276"] Wow, I appreciate all the energy and information. The whole spiralling out of control with our difficult child has really sucked the energy out of all of us. It is amazing how daunting everything seems. I feel paralyzed at times because even though I know it is not getting any better, I feel terrible that I can't connect with and help him. One of my concerns with reporting it as domestic assault is that even though he often goes into a rage, he has at most pushed me. He can easily escalate from quiet, to full on yelling, swearing, threatening "How would it f*ing feel if your wife had a knife stuck in her gut!" or "I can f*ing burn this house down with everyone in it and I would be happy!" He has kicked and broken our bedroom door in to confront us, kicked holes in the hallway and his bedroom walls, slammed and broken dishes, etc. He usually threatens and then tries to intimidate or provoke me by raising his fists or some object. I have never hit him and he has never hit me or my wife (yet). He has slightly pushed and threatened. However he has never hit or directly threatened something like "I am going to kill you". He always seems to phrase it in a way that somehow lessens it. He yelled at his mom, " I could easily kill your husband and bury him in the back yard. How would that make you feel?" Thats the hard part because it would seem to be so much clearer to me if he would cross some line and punch me or say "I am going to kill you when I get out". Then it might seem clearer (without any second guessing). Yes, there is that guilt from not being a "good enough" parent to make him happy and behave properly. I know this is not the case but never the less the guilt is there deep down. Thus, I feel like if I call this domestic violence center, they are going to ask " has he directly assaulted you or your wife". Then, I am going to say wellllll, no, BUT he has done everything else besides this and I believe he is very close to this next step. Yes, he and his younger brother have hit, punched, kicked each other at times, but that is well within the normal range for most brothers. Yes, he has threatened a court employee, a teacher, other kids, claimed to have killed someone, been expelled from school, claimed to have dealt and appears to be planning again to deal drugs, run away twice, etc, etc. I know breaking things is considered domestic assault, but I guess I am assuming that they will say that he has not hit us yet so they can not help us. I totally agree with you that all of us have to go through some type of therapy to make sure we all understand it is not Ok to be treated this way. I am sure I will be surprized when I find out how much our other kids have been harrassed and threatened that we do not know about yet. I have talked to some people, but I have not thought about Victim's Services or Domestic Violence centers because my wife and I have not been punched or stabbed yet. Of course, our difficult child says we are the worst parents and tells everyone who will listen that he has not done anything wrong and we don't care about him, don't listen to him, punish him for nothing, etc, etc. I am sure he will claim we neglect or treat him badly. That abandonment issue seems ridiculous, but it still seems like a very real possibility. My wife works on staff at a school. Do you know if an educator could lose her job over it? I really appreciate all the information and support. We are now scrambling on trying to get him into a residential treatment center because his drug/alcohol evaluation looks like it will recommend it. We really want/NEED him to go directly from juvi to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I don't know if this is good or bad for the long haul, but it will at least give us more time to find a long term solution and live in relative peace for awhile. I will talk to the domestic violence center and victims services and see if they can assist. I was happy to read that you and your son survived those years and are happy and getting along. Thank you for responding. [/QUOTE]
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Our 15 yo son is in Juvi and we are afraid to take him back home
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