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<blockquote data-quote="barneysmom" data-source="post: 392342" data-attributes="member: 1872"><p>OverwhelmedMa, welcome! Can I borrow your username? I think it would fit many of us here.</p><p></p><p>You are brave to take on your daughter's issues. I can address some of your questions, and others will be along too as you've got a lot going on. </p><p></p><p>To start with, what were some of the characteristics of her bio-mom? Likely she had some mental health issues which affected your daughter even at a young age (she was with her bio-mom for about a year, right?) and even in utero (not saying drugs -- even stress can affect the fetus). A good mental health history would be important -- on your husband's side too (talking genetics from both parents here). </p><p></p><p>Physical health too -- make sure she gets a good physical every year. Both of my sons were found to be anemic at one time -- not saying she is -- just that sometimes surprising physical issues crop up which can help explain things, like the anemia did for my son's lassitude, irritability and failing grades). Does she have any chronic complaints like stomach problems, constipation, allergies etc? Is there a family history of any specific physical ailments? Those can be helpful indicators of what's going on in general. </p><p></p><p>How is her appetite? Is she picky about food? Hoard food? Is she sensitive to tags on her shirt, or other sensations that drive her wild?</p><p></p><p>Prison guard method -- this bombed for us; it was recommended for one of our sons and he ending up poking himself with pins alone in his room (with all the furniture moved out of it). Conventional behavior plans often don't work for our kids. </p><p></p><p>Book -- The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. There is a newer edition out since I purchased it, but either will do. This book can explain many of your questions about how to handle the rages.</p><p></p><p>How to take care of easy child -- separate them if you can, explain that you will protect easy child, that none of this is easy child's fault, acknowledge easy child's anger or sadness and don't try to talk easy child out of it, easy child may need to talk to a therapist too. Save up a little energy to spend time with easy child, even a quick game of Uno goes a long way.</p><p></p><p>Self-mutilation -- could that be anxiety instead of a more deliberate type of self-mutilation? My younger son is a picker and had sores on his arms for awhile -- looked like cigarette burns. For him it was anxiety, but now that I think of it, part of it could be anger -- anger at himself, and at the world. </p><p></p><p>She will need help understand why her bio-mom is out of the picture. That could (does) account for some of her rage. Don't be surprised that she takes it out on you -- the mom always gets it. You may even be threatening to her because you are loving and caring toward her, and this feels risky and unfamiliar to her. </p><p></p><p>And finally the most important part -- take good care of yourself even though you are living in a nightmare. You are still YOU. Do stuff you like, read or listen to music, whatever you like. Eat well and get enough sleep (easy to say -- I'm terrible at this). See your friends -- don't talk about the kid. They won't get it, and you'll feel even more isolated.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting and asking questions and getting lots of support.</p><p></p><p>Jo</p><p></p><p>P.S. With the holidays coming, keep it real low-key. Don't even mention Christmas unless you have to. Holidays are notorious for destabilizing our kids.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="barneysmom, post: 392342, member: 1872"] OverwhelmedMa, welcome! Can I borrow your username? I think it would fit many of us here. You are brave to take on your daughter's issues. I can address some of your questions, and others will be along too as you've got a lot going on. To start with, what were some of the characteristics of her bio-mom? Likely she had some mental health issues which affected your daughter even at a young age (she was with her bio-mom for about a year, right?) and even in utero (not saying drugs -- even stress can affect the fetus). A good mental health history would be important -- on your husband's side too (talking genetics from both parents here). Physical health too -- make sure she gets a good physical every year. Both of my sons were found to be anemic at one time -- not saying she is -- just that sometimes surprising physical issues crop up which can help explain things, like the anemia did for my son's lassitude, irritability and failing grades). Does she have any chronic complaints like stomach problems, constipation, allergies etc? Is there a family history of any specific physical ailments? Those can be helpful indicators of what's going on in general. How is her appetite? Is she picky about food? Hoard food? Is she sensitive to tags on her shirt, or other sensations that drive her wild? Prison guard method -- this bombed for us; it was recommended for one of our sons and he ending up poking himself with pins alone in his room (with all the furniture moved out of it). Conventional behavior plans often don't work for our kids. Book -- The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. There is a newer edition out since I purchased it, but either will do. This book can explain many of your questions about how to handle the rages. How to take care of easy child -- separate them if you can, explain that you will protect easy child, that none of this is easy child's fault, acknowledge easy child's anger or sadness and don't try to talk easy child out of it, easy child may need to talk to a therapist too. Save up a little energy to spend time with easy child, even a quick game of Uno goes a long way. Self-mutilation -- could that be anxiety instead of a more deliberate type of self-mutilation? My younger son is a picker and had sores on his arms for awhile -- looked like cigarette burns. For him it was anxiety, but now that I think of it, part of it could be anger -- anger at himself, and at the world. She will need help understand why her bio-mom is out of the picture. That could (does) account for some of her rage. Don't be surprised that she takes it out on you -- the mom always gets it. You may even be threatening to her because you are loving and caring toward her, and this feels risky and unfamiliar to her. And finally the most important part -- take good care of yourself even though you are living in a nightmare. You are still YOU. Do stuff you like, read or listen to music, whatever you like. Eat well and get enough sleep (easy to say -- I'm terrible at this). See your friends -- don't talk about the kid. They won't get it, and you'll feel even more isolated. Keep posting and asking questions and getting lots of support. Jo P.S. With the holidays coming, keep it real low-key. Don't even mention Christmas unless you have to. Holidays are notorious for destabilizing our kids. [/QUOTE]
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